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Michael Jackson: The Video Game??!
Matt - 08/01/00


Since I started this site, I've seen a lot of very unnecessary, odd, and downright vile examples of pop-culture on my quest to bring you more useless knowledge. However, I think what we're about to discuss here might take the cake. We've talked a great deal about old video games...good ones, bad ones, really bad ones, and so on. But never, never have I seen one that could literally bring entire nations to it's knees with pleas to 'stop the insanity'. Never have I seen a video game...starring Michael Jackson!

Yes, it's true. Michael Jackson. In a video game. Based on and titled Moonwalker, this game let you do what no one in their right minds would want to do - actually be Michael Jackson. Now if that isn't the scariest fucking thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is. In fact, I'm pretty sure that bad people in this lifetime are reincarnated in the next as Michael Jackson impersonators. It's only fair.

Playing as Michael, it's your job to kidnap dozens of children...uh, I mean it's your job to rescue dozens of kidnapped children. This woulda been great PR for Michael if the game came out after everyone found out he was smuggling babies into his shower.

You get special "dance" power-ups & moves, and some zany Michael Jackson music tracks that play in background, but aside from that, Moonwalker is your standard action game. Then again, the fact that you play as Michael Jackson does make it a rather unique experience...but how many gamers could honestly play this game around their friends? I don't think I could even brag to myself about owning this game without someone coming in the house to punch me.

Why This Game Does Nothing To Help Michael's Dubious Reputation:

1.- Now, I know this is going to sound lude, and it's going to look like I'm searching for comedy, but it's there, plain as day. When you save one of the little kids, they absolutely, positively, appear to be giving Michael oral sex. I'm sorry, but there's no other way to describe it. Michael's standing next to them pelvis-first while the kid is jiggling like a Jell-O mold. Other titles for this game could've been 'Michael Jackson's Child-Poon-Stalker', or more directly, 'Jackson's Illegal Actions'.

2.- Whenever one of the male bad guys attacks Michael, usually by touching him, Jackson makes a noise that in no way indicates anything other than extreme pleasure. In fact, Michael actually makes an impressive cooing noise whenever he gets touched by the bad guys. You're telling me Michael actually okay'ed this game? It plays on every bad 'rumor' about him possible!

3.- When Michael kicks or punches, glittery stardust flows from his limbs as if he was, you got it, a fairy.

To reiterate, playing this game strictly enforces the idea that Michael Jackson is a fairy who beds little children and enjoys getting touched by old men wearing purple suits. And that's just in stage one!!!!

This game was available via the Sega Master System and Genesis systems, and it also was an arcade game. It didn't do too well in the arcades because, let's face it, nobody would willingly portray anything resembling a fanship for Michael in a public forum.

Now it's also available on X-Entertainment.Com. That's right - it's time for you to live out your most perverse, sick and twisted dream possible - the opportunity to submerge yourself in the world of pixelated prissyness and actually become Michael Jackson!

It's actually a fun game - this is a high quality download too, great sound and graphics, and best of all...you don't need any sort of emulator to play it. Just gotta unzip it after the short download, run it, and you're set. The A-S-D buttons let you make Michael do a lot of weird, effemine things, while the arrows keys help guide Jackson through his quest for more young souls!

Download: You can download the actual Michael Jackson: Moonwalker game by simply clicking HERE. It's 620 KB.

There's More! Not only is this game filled with every Jackson stereotype imaginable - it's also got Michael's pet chimp, Bubbles! Yep. Bubbles makes his appearance, and at times, Michael dances. It's absolutely frigging amazing.

The Best Part: On most of the levels lies Michael's greatest power to defeat his enimies. If you initiate a certain move, or walk a certain path at the right time, a falling star falls from the sky. Catch a falling star in your pocket, and you'll turn into a Michael Jackson Super-Powered ROBOT.

Bazam!


Special X-E Michael Jackson Fest BONUS: Thriller

I'm by no means a Jackson fan. However, back in the early 80s, most were. And back in the early 80s, I lived with three older brothers and three older sisters who were at least somewhat into music, meaning that I've seen this scary fucking video more times in my life than I can count.

And it continues to scare me to this day. It's full of monsters, Michael, and a narration rap by Vincent fucking Price. That's enough to warrant sleeping completely under the covers with Gary Larson's monster snorkel for months. Remember that weird, bald, blue monster in the video? I hated that fucking guy. My sister Carolyn used to torment me with him -- she'd seen the video so many times that she could actually time when he was going to appear. So when she noticed the video was on, she'd change the channel and call me in the room. When her little mind clock went off, she's switch back to the Thriller video just in time for the blue guy to make his 'Argh!' face, sending me through a spiral of fear, tears, and an everlasting hatred for musicians that double as literal chameleons.

Depending on how popular young suicide is on the given year, this video often beats out Nirvana's Smell Like Teen Spirit as the #1 MTV video of all time...that is, till they find an artist who'll bring 'em more money if they go in the number one spot.

So, here's some clips! These are all Quicktime .mov files, kinda large for their length, but with more quality than you could ever want for something involving Michael Jackson...

Clip 1 -- Michael turns into a werewolf, somehow ending up far less scary.

Clip 2 -- Wild dance!

Clip 3 -- Wild dance part two! This time with knee-clapping action!

Well, there's my Michael Jackson fill. I'm good for the next 47,000 years.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com