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The Forbidden Episode Of Lassie! With Radioactive Timmy!!!
Matt - 08/03/00


It's too early for this.

I never watched Lassie reruns much growing up, nor did I indulge myself with those shitty color 'new' episodes of Lassie they ran on the UPN network on Saturday afternoons. I've always been of the mind that dogs should stay where they belong - starring opposite Tom Hanks on the silver screen. At least that way, if you see them, you're paying to see them. They're not just thrust upon you when you're too lazy to look for the remote control.

That was my train of thought. Until, of course, I saw an episode of Lassie where Timmy becomes radioactive.

Yes, you heard right - The Forbidden Episodes of Lassie, which were shown on Nick at Nite several years ago, let us bear witness to some of the strangest, utterly evil episodes of Lassie the world have ever seen. So let's take a look at this one. Of course, the download follows the review..


Lassie: Episode XXVII -- 'Radioactive Timmy'

It didn't take long for me to realize why I never watched much Lassie in my life. It's the most boring fucking show on the planet. Everybody talks liek each word is a sentence in itself, and the dialogue between me and the mailman when I sign for a package of GI Joe figures is about 40 times more interesting that anything Timmy and his asshole friend could be talking about.

Yes, his asshole friend. I don't know his name. I don't care what his name is. Neither should you, so we'll call him 'Bobby'. The scene opens with Timmy showing Bobby his pet guinea pig, 'Alexander'. Bobby protests, since he's a bit older...he wants to do something else. Not this 'kid stuff'. He says there's nothing 'special' about that pig, and they need to go out and find something 'special'.

Bobby's a real cocksucker. Poor, unassuming Timmy just wants to sit there and explain why Alexander is 'special' (he cites Alex's 'special' diet and 'special' furry coat as literal examples) ....but no..Bobby needs to surround himself with the decadence and opulence of the many deserted fields of the Lassie universe. When was this show filmed? 1412? From where I'm sitting, it looks like the only settlement in a 4,000 mile radius is Timmy's parents' house.

In case you're wondering where Lassie is - the dog's here. She's doing absolutely nothing of note besides barking once every few minutes. The show should've been called 'Family That Happens To Own A Dog Named Lassie', because it's misleading to think this ever-growing insane plot has anything to do with the dog.

Anyway, back to Timmy and Bobby's quest to find something special. They locate what appears to be a missle, but is really just your typical, everyday space capsule. Things get a little weird here...the boys pick up the capsule, only to scream, throw it down, and run half a mile away a second later for no apparent reason. After questioning their testicle size, they decide to give it another go, but run away again when Bobby discovers a 'monster' inside. What they don't see is that the monster is just a harmless guinea pig, who runs off into the wilderness, much to Lassie's shigrin.

They take the space capsule back home, but notice two evil army men telling Timmy's parents that it's a lost capsule, and if it's found - not to touch it. The army man also explains about the guinea pig being inside. Bobby decides to sacrifice Timmy's pet Alexander to save their asses, and they return to leave the capsule to avoid the hellish torment that surely awaits them should they get caught.

Now it's time for a SPECIAL BONUS!

OLD COMMERCIALS!

Yep, they're in the RealPlayer file too. I love old commercials. You look back on these ridiculous promos and it's really hard to tell how anyone was sold on buying anything. You'll get your chance to see three of 'em here - an old Carefree gum commercial which is simply too odd to even begin to explain...a Little Caesars pizza commercial featuring the word 'cheese' 47 times, and, of course, a commercial that helps you rid your dog of fleas. This is being aired during Lassie, after all...

Back to the show...

I've noticed an interesting phenomenon with this program. We'll call it the Lassie Phenomenon. It seems that, while the dog is well trained, they can't keep it from barking all the time...so it looks like whomever that little kid actor who portrays Timmy was told by the director to ad lib a 'Be quiet Lassie' whenever the dog barked inappropriately. It seems flawless, but if you watch enough episodes, it becomes increasingly funny to see how many times the kid tells Lassie to shut the fuck up.

Back at the ranch, the army guys and Timmy's family realize what's happened: Timmy has replaced the missing guinea pig with his own. After some more chatting, the army guys casually work into the conversation the fact that there's a severe chance that Timmy has been completely saturated in...you guessed it...deadly radiation!

After searching for Timmy and Bobby for what seems to be years, they find him and run one of those radiation meters on him - he's absolutely off the charts. Now this is officially the best tv show I've ever seen. Especially since the army guy directs Timmy's mom to 'stay away from him!'....

Timmy gets a anti-contamination bath, and all is back to normal. His guinea pig is probably dead, but no one seems to care that much. After all, we've all gotta die sometime. His dad hopes that Timmy learned his lesson - and I quote - hiding the truth can ruin important, expensive government experiments. Take note kids.

Then, for some reason, they tell Timmy how proud they are of him. Why, I don't really know. He lied, he snuck around, and he killed a guinea pig. Surely this isn't deserving of praise. But that's okay - because Timmy won't accept the praise. He says that Lassie did all the work! WHAT THE FUCK?! Lassie did absolutely nothing in the entire episode! She barked like twice...that's it! How is fucking LASSIE responsible for anything?

Ergh.

Don't take my word for it, download it for yourself. Relive the magic that is esoteric old television. It's a Realplayer file, 9 MB, 27 minutes long! Click here to download!

PS - here's a little did you know for you guys: on the show, Lassie was a girl. In real life, Lassie was a boy. So what'd they do? Stuck a patch of fur over the poor dog's crotch during filming. Real pleasant, huh? Woof.

Strangely enough, that's actually not Lassie in the above photo. Even stranger...that's not Alex Trebec either!

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com