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Nintendo games you never knew existed! Evil Dead! Battle Beasts! Wilford Brimley?!
Matt - 08/06/00

Have you ever had a dream about a magical Nintendo game that never existed? I have. Many times. I can't tell you how many times I've waken from sleep, sweating with excitement over the false fantasy that Count Chocula had finally made the big leagues and gotten his own video game. But whereas I simply took my little dreams and swept them under the rug with my other assorted fantasies, there's others who actually went out and turned their video game hopes into legit realities.

And that brings us to a little thing called homemade Nintendo games. Some geniuses take old games, doll them up, and create entirely new games with incredible casts of characters! These are games that were never put out by a major company, but as you'll soon see...they definitely should've been...

Yes - you can download and play these using a NES emulator. Details on that can be found in this article. Let's take a look...

The Wilford Brimley Battle Game!

To say that Wilford Brimley deserves a video game is an understatement. The guy deserves medals and monuments...children named after him...the works. When all those musicians go to accept their little awards, they should can the god-thanking and just give praise to Wilford instead. After all - none of us would be who were are if we didn't have him to tell us about the whole grain goodness of Quaker Oats. What's more - Wilford also starred in the second Star Wars Ewok Adventure movie!

In this game, which appears to be only one level long with no clear ending, you've gotta help Wilford rid the streets in front of the Quaker Oat building from an assorted bunch of hooligans who say 'barf!' when you punch them. It's not exactly a brain-heightening experience, but Wilford's always gone for more of a direct approach. You can also beat up the bad guys with sticks...or if you're a Wilford-hater, let Brimley himself get beat up by sticks! Truly, the game's got something for everyone.

Wilford on his video game: 'Listen...remember that little show called 'Our House'? Well, I had to put up with Shannen Doherty for years on that one. And she didn't even have a chest to distract me back then. Point is...I survived that, and if you suckers think a few pixelated bullies with sticks are going to stop me, well, I've got your itinerary for tomorrow all set: Rent Cocoon, and slice your fucking wrists open. Wankers. PS - I do cartoon voices now. Movin' on up!'

Download: Click Here!

Transformers: Unicron Pac-Man!

The similarities between Pac-Man and the Transformers are endless. Think about it...Bumblebee is yellow, Pac-Man is yellow. Bumblebee had no purpose, and unless you consider eating a bunch of dots for eternity a 'purpose', neither did Pac-Man. This is simply a logical progression of evolution.

In this game, you play Unicron, the evil planet-Transformer who likes to make entire colonies and Orson Wells die. Since the only thing that can stop Unicron is the famed Autobot Matrix, you'll have to avoid running into least until you land yourself one of those sweet powerpills. Then, for about ten seconds, Unicron can do whatever the fuck he wants, and not even the Matrix can slow him down. This one's pretty simplistic, but a nice twist on the original...

Download: Click Here!

Battle Beasts Game!

There's a millions reasons why I could say Battle Beasts deserved a video game. They had an interesting wood-water-fire plot...they were popular...the companies would've really cashed in. But let's be more specific about it - they looked really fucking cool. Finally, someone realized that, and we've got ourselves a bona fide Battle Beasts video game.

This one's fashioned directly after Donkey Kong III. Instead of spraying a monkey with bug spray, you're shooting a giant evil Battle Beast with a gun. Why are you doing this? He's holding your friends hostage...and at the beginning of every level, he'll scratch them to make sure you don't forget it. The game even has power-ups! Nice...

Download: Click Here!

Evil Dead: The Video Game

For months now I keep hearing about how there's gonna be some huge Evil Dead/Army of Darkness video game coming out. Well you know what? I've also heard that if you inhale dried out orange peels, you'll start to see your walls melt. The point is, I'm tired of waiting for them to come out with an Evil Dead game, and I'm tired of waiting for my fruit to make me hallucinate. It seems I'm not alone, because someone went out an actually made an Evil Dead game.

That is, if you consider Zelda II with Ash instead of Link and little enemy Ash guys instead of black Jell-O molds an 'Evil Dead' game. Yep, this game is essentially The Adventures of Link dolled up a bit to fit the world of Evil Dead. Hey, the price is cheap enough, I'll take it.

Download: Click Here!

Super Sad Mario Bros. - The Gothic Edition

Let's face it. Mario really doesn't have much to be happy about. His girlfriend is either comatose or being held captive 360 days out of the calendar year...the only things he can eat are mushrooms and flowers...and his brother's a transsexual. Life's not easy for Mario, and that's why he's dressed himself up in Crow gear to take on all the assorted gothic enemies of Super Sad Mario Brothers! This one's pretty cool...instead of fighting little goombas and'll fight sinister little goth chicks and evil monkeys. Also, note how all the clouds are now black to better fit Mario's darker personality.

The best part? Mario's given up on relying on mushrooms to make himself grow. TNow, he does it the old-fashioned way - by drinking Dr. Pepper! Yes, the only way for Mario make that miraculous jump in height is to down a can of the true uncola. That alone is worth the download and a nomination for 'greatest game in history'...

Download: Click Here!

These games represent the true American dream. And if you're not American, they represent the true insert-country-name-here dream too. The dream that anything's possible if you put your mind to it...even a video game starring Wilford Brimley.


- Matt