 As if we didn't know more than any one person should about the freaks that put their lives on tape for MTV's The Real World for what seems like forever now, there's also video tapes available to give you an even closer look. So, if you watched Rachel eating lunch and always wondered what kind of lunch she was eating, these tapes are for you. If, however, you're a normal person who can't possibly sit through another 'private' monologue by Beth A., Beth S. or Beth QZX., I suggest hiding these tapes behind copies of Meet the Deedles when you go to your local video store in the hopes that no one'll ever, ever see them. Somehow, one of these tapes ended up in my collection. I'm not really sure how...I'm certainly not a fan of The Real World...it's just that I lived my live under the false impression that MTV plays, you know, music...and occassionally I'll leave the channel on in the hopes that I can see someone sing instead of seeing some guy who belongs in an Old Navy commercial tell me who can't sing on MTV News. Really, it'd be a great experiment if someone sat down one day and tallied up how many videos are really played on MTV. Then tally up how many of those videos are repeated 4,000 times in the 20 minutes they actually allow for music. Then tally up how many of those 4,000x repeated videos are cut short by Carson Daly pointing to an interesting sign in Times Square. By the time you're through, you might've seen a full video by N'Sync and Sisquo, but most of the time you're going to be staring painfully at things like we're about to discuss...  Yeah, so there were these Real World videos available. This one details the behind-the-scenes action of the many vacations quested by the first three casts. Now, the first three casts were a little better than the later ones...it wasn't until around '97 that 18-25 year-olds on MTV really made you want to blow your brains out. In this video, you'll be privy to insight on some of the most glorious Real World vacations...including..  Jamaica....where poor, unassuming Julie goes topless, Andre stays home, Becky fucks the producer of the show and other shows, and everyone eats a whole lotta jerk chicken.  Mexico...where Dom gets really pissed at Beth for causing such a commotion during the motor bike ride. He'll later pass out drunk in the middle of the street for five hours, but sense and hypocrisy are two words not in the Real World's dictionary.  Hawaii...where Rachel will face her life-long fear of idiotically falling off a rock cliff while holding her nostrils together. Also, Judd will sit on the back of a boat and fake a smile for as long as any human possibly could.  Heather....wait. They went on a vacation to Heather? Apparently! There was a pretty big glitch in this video. Heather's futuristic views on humanity and politics may make her an island to herself, but she's certainly not big enough for people to play volleyball on while desperately trying to avoid eye-contact with the 74 cameras in front of them. But maybe it was an omen because, believe it or not, Heather is the star of our story. Despite having that 'I'll bite your head off' disposition, Heather just can't seem to escape The Real World in all it's incarnations. After all, it was her that went on a 4-day vow of hunger and a ton of depression after one of her teammates dropped the little rubber ball on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. For those who know what I'm talking about, you'll also know that Heather's reaction to that was probably one of the top five greatest moments in television history, just behind the time when Tami slammed the door on Beth's head.  Big, brown, and beautiful, Heather's never-say-die attitude and passion for swimsuits 60 sizes too small have cemented her place in pop-culture...and our hearts. The idea for this video was simple. Take a few cast members from various seasons, don't tell them who the others ones will be, and throw 'em into a highly-decorative backyard setting to let them chat about their respective group's vacations. It seemed like the perfect plan...but the producers didn't count on one thing: love.   See, Heather was the first Real Worlder to show up for this little video installment. The second, was Jon...Real World II alumni and all-around hick goof. You know that friend you had when you were a kid...you got along great, did all the same things...but as the schoolyears progressed, he became a total weirdo and you avoided him at all costs to shun the chance of social suicide by being seen with him? That friend is Jon. Now, while everyone knows that the entertainment value of a guy who'll willingly do the chicken dance in front of the whole free world while wearing a cowboy hat only lasts a few minutes...Heather saw something in this guy. She had been searching for the perfect man all her life...and when Jon entered that backyard, ideas of fate entered Heather's pretty fucking huge head. In other words...Heather was in love. Now, while it might seem like I'm playing all this up - but if you were unfortunate enough to see this video, you'd know that Heather's bubbliness increased ten-fold as soon as Jon arrived. They got along great...smiles all around. It was a safe assumption to say that Heather and Jon were on the road to romance...that is...until the third member of their party showed up. Then all hell broke loose...take a look at this animated sequence:  Oh no! It's RACHEL! Demon spawn/political activist from season three! When Rachel's not off drinking or kissing Puck, she's stealing Heather's love interests. Notice how Jon conveniently forgets Heather's existence as soon as the Freakin' Rican shows up. And...take a look at poor Heather's response...  Vision of a woman crushed. The worst part was, poor Heather had to sit with these two lovebirds for the next half hour trying to conjure up vacation memories while all she could think about was popping the zits on Rachel's forehead with really rusty pliars.   Look at this! Aside from wearing those pants, what did Heather do to deserve this kind of torment? Let's hear some confessionals by the three players and see if we can hopefully clear all this up a bit...  Rachel: 'Ohhh...this whole thing is just blown out of proportion. One minute I'm telling her and Jon about how we used to balance brooms on Pam's forehead while she slept...the next minute Heather's all 'I'm gonna turn you into jerk chicken!' this, and 'I'm gonna beat the Cuban out of you!' that....I really didn't get it. Listen...I've always considered myself a nice person. I never told Cody she was fat...never told Pedro to wear a contamination suit...nothing! Just because Jon and I got a little crush on each other doesn't make me a bad person. Well...I don't know, does it? Maybe it does. The point is...even a necklace as big as the one I'm wearing can't cover up the black hole growing on my neck. I'm innocent.'  Jon: 'Remember how mad I got when Aaron said all that bad stuff about Beth while playing pool? Well, that ain't nothing compared to what's going through my uh..my mind right now. Sure, I may have had a little thing going with Heather for a few minutes...but I mean, what am I supposed to do? Break up with her? Oh, sorry Heather...there's another girl here and I'm pretty sure she can ride on top without collapsing me. C'mon, buckaw, I'm too nice of a cowboy to do something like that. Shit, you know what I just realized? I don't have to tell you that the 'h' in my name is silent...cuz I don't use it! Yeehaw...who says you need college!'  Heather: This shit ain't right. I thought me and Jon had somethin' special, you know, somethin' you take wit you to Jamaica and share jerk chicken wit or some shit. Lidden, I know I ain't no belle of da ball or anything, but the way Jon was lookin' me up and down...that look told me Jon wanted to take a trip down da Hedda express. And I don't appreciate some rich little spoiled brat waltzin' on in here, spoilin' all da fun. Rachel, if you is listenin' out there in Beverly Hills or some fugging spot like that, you best be knowin' that Hedda is comin' out there this summer to get ya. Right after I get mahself some more of dat jerk chicken.' And...for no apparent reason...  Dom: Listen...I don't know Heather and I don't know Rachel. But the one thing I thought I knew was Jon. And all this...decadence...that doesn't sound like the Jon I know. The Jon I know wears Hulk Hogan t-shirts and likes Kool-Aid...he's not the type to get mixed up in some petty love quarrel. But, assuming he was, I think it's pretty clear why he chose Rachel over Heather. See, Jon's a virgin, and let's face it...if he woulda boinked Heather first, for the rest of his life he'd have a really distorted view of what the female anatomy really looks like. It's like a farmgirl seeing a horse's crotch all her life and then hopping in the sack with some regular joe. It's just not safe. PS, I'm sitting on a motorcycle in the middle of a red velvet room...just like I do in the real world!  Jon and Rachel have planted the seeds of their romance, and what the future holds for them, nobody truly holds. But don't you worry about our dear little Heather...she'll be alright. In fact, she's already met somebody new...  Heather: Hi...I uh...like your sunglasses. My name's Hedda. We love you, Hedda. - Matt
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