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The Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon Challenge!
Matt - 08/09/00

The game known as Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon has long been a testament to the fact that, no matter what, everything in the known universe has in some way come into contact with the actor best known for his unnecessary cockshot in Wild Things...Kevin Bacon.

It's hard to imagine exactly why God or Not God or Phoebe Cates chose Kevin to be the glue that binds the world together, but it's a fact. There's not a single person or entity you could name that can't somehow be traced back to Kevin Bacon. In fact, each and every one of you reading this have probably crossed paths with him a thousand times in your life without even realizing it. He's that powerful.

You've really gotta wonder why some higher power gave Kevin this gift. Or how Kevin must feel, knowing that everybody who ever existed it tied to him somehow. It really blows the mind. If I was going to pick somebody who should connect to everything in the universe, I'd probably go with someone with a bit more class and dignity, like Balkie from Perfect Strangers. But since the gods have spoken, let's move on to the challenge...

The Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon Challenge!

Now it's time for the game. It's sort of like the Double Dare Physical Challenge, only there's no slime pools and nobody's going to end up with a free t-shirt. I asked four random people to name four random celebrities, and I'd have to figure out how they all connect to Kevin in six degrees or less. Course, I should've asked sane, normal people to pick the celebrities, because these choices were a little too creative.

Challenge One

Kevin Bacon --> Lieutenant Worf

Christ. I kind of feel too small and irrevelant to take on such an epic task. Let's face it, Kevin and Worf are the two most prominent, important people in the universe. A challenge like this should be saved for the celebrity edition of this game. But oh well...let's see if we can put these two together.

Worf is played by Michael Dorn. Dorn has to go through eight hours of make-up a day to get himself look human. And another 12 to look like Worf. By the time they start rolling the cameras, it's no wonder Worf always looks so pissed off. His lines were usually limited to things like 'I have honor' or 'Can't do that, Captain. It has no honor'. And it's the captain that gives us our first degree. Worf starred opposite Captain Jean-Luc Picard, sexy bald man/mutant mentor played by Patrick Stewart.

Patrick Stewart did a voice in the 1998 movie, Prince of Egypt. It's pretty amazing when you think about it. Stewart is one of the world's most accomplished actors who could run off Shakespeare like the Pledge of Allegiance. But he's always cast in roles usually alloted for the former cast of Step By Step. But it's here that we get our second degree -- Steve Martin also supplied a voice for this movie.

Steve Martin was in the 2000 movie, Novicaine....with Kevin Bacon! Ah! The circle is now complete. We've connected Kevin Bacon to the only person in the world who could possibly understand him, Lt. Worf. Mission accomplished.

Challenge Two

Kevin Bacon --> Mrs. Roper

Okay, I'll admit it. I put this one in myself. It's become real clear to me that a lot of people out there tend to forget just how wonderful and dazzling Mrs. Roper was. She was the original Golden Girl...a 70 year old woman with the libido of the combined inmates of a frat house, dressed like a transvestite jazz musician with more fake jewelry than a religious television evangelist. She's the woman you see standing at a bus stop while driving that causes you to go into a trance and crash into a phone pole. And, like Kevin Bacon, she's slept with Mr. Roper.

Mrs. Roper was played by some woman. I don't know her name and I'm too lazy to look it up. So we're only going to call her Mrs. Roper from now on. She starred in Three's Company along with John Ritter, who played Jack. Jack pretended he was gay so he could sleep with Janet as many times as he wanted. Janet pretended she was straight so her short haircut wouldn't be thought of as a lesbian cliche.

John Ritter starred in the 1980 movie, Hero at Large, with Kevin Bacon. Wow, nailed it in just two degrees! And for those of you who haven't seen Hero at Large, there's a very important reason for you to go out and rent it...

John Ritter wears ridiculously large sunglasses. Mission accomplished.

Challenge Three

Kevin Bacon --> Jim Varney

Yep, that Jim Varney. The same Jim Varney who tormented the entire fucking free world by portraying Ernest and asking Vern stupid questions during Burger King commercials. He'd later go on to do a string of movies so bad they've been banned by entire nations. I picked up to hopefully segway the hatred some of you might have for Kevin. The way I see it, it wouldn't be right if Kevin was the most hated person featured in this article. Sticking Ernest in here is my way of making sure that doesn't happen.

The late Jim Varney starred in an excruciatingly painful movie called Snowboard Academy opposite X-E's number-one son, Corey Haim. Remember when we reviewed the Corey Haim Video Diary? Well, if there was any movie out there that could rival the stupidity of that one, this would be it. Let's put it this way. It takes them only about 25 seconds into the movie to make a joke about snot. Use that as the measuring stick for the rest of the movie, and you're in store for some of the worst punchlines of all time.

Corey Haim starred in one of my favorite movies ever, Prayer of the Rollerboys, back in 1991. This is the movie than made me a Corey fan. He gets to fuck Patricia Arquette and deliver pizzas in one of those cool styrofoam hats. The movie's about a futuristic society plagued by poverty and overrun by a gang of Neo-Nazis on rollerblades. I definitely reccomend checking it out. The only bad part about it is Corey's little brother in the movie...a stupid little fucker played by J.C. Quinn. I guess some good came out of him though, since he's our second degree.

J.C. Quinn starred in the 1998 movie, Digging To China...with Kevin Bacon! There ya go, mission accomplished.

Challenge Four

Kevin Bacon --> Cobra Commander!

It's been awhile since the Commander got some X-E coverage. As a side note, he was a man, and he's currently in 2nd place in our little t-shirt voting. I know this sounds like a tough one, but let's face it...there's no way that Cobra La's two greatest contributions to society can't be matched up. I'm up for the task.

Kevin Bacon was in Sleepers withBruno Kirby. Bruno's lucky he's an actor. With the name Bruno, the only other things he could've been are a meat butcher or a fat bouncer at a gay club.

Bruno Kirby, who surprisingly was in more than one movie, starred in The Harrad Experiments with Don Johnson. Right.

Don Johnson supplied the voice of Lieutenant Falcon in the G.I. Joe Movie, inadvertantly starring opposite...Cobra Commander! Yessssswasssss a man! Success!

Mission Five

Kevin Bacon --> Gizmo!

And why not? Both Kevin Bacon and Gizmo have done nude scenes in their respective careers. Both Kevin Bacon and Gizmo both have names that 3rd graders would make fun of. Both Kevin Bacon and Gizmo know it's never a good idea to eat a lot of fatty foods after midnight. And while they're already connected based on that alone, let's see if the movies can put 'em together too...

Gizmo starred in Gremlins with Zach Galligan. Now, I thought I'd be in a bit of trouble here. I love the Gremlins movies, and I think Zach did a very convincing job of portraying pain when Stripe shot him with that crossbow. But, I figured I'd be hardpressed to find any other movies starring him. I don't think we can really call Zach Galligan a hot property on the Hollywood block. Luckily, there were a lot of bad movies made since Gremlins, and bad movies usually cast bad actors. They go hand-in-hand. Like sex and a Star Trek sound effects CD.

Zach Galligan starred in the 1999 movie, Arthur's Quest, with Clint Howard. I swear I'm not lying. It's a real movie.

Clint Howard starred in 2000's My Dog Skip...with Kevin Bacon! There! I knew the similarities between Kevin and Gizmo were too great for this silly game. Mission accomplished!

You can e-mail me celebrity names of who you want to see Kevin Bacon connected to in a future edition of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Challenge. Try me!

- Matt