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X-E Tackles Napster and Online Music PIRACY!
Matt - 08/09/00

The issue of music piracy has been a topic of hot debate as of late. Everyone's got an opinion. Is the free trading of music online really wrong and unjust? Well, my opinion is just as worthless as the next guy. That's why Admiral Ackbar's hosting a show devoted to the topic...these are people you can trust. Heed their words, and listen well...

Admiral Ackbar: Hello friends, I'm Admiral Ackbar. If you'll recall, I played a squid in Return of the Jedi. To my credit, I've really milked that one role into quite a career for myself. But enough about me...these are my friends, and they'll be our panel for today's discussion.

Admiral Ackbar: Today's topic deals with that whole silly little Napster lawsuit going on. Now personally, I love Napster. I think it's sugar and spice. Also, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who figured this out -- you can beat that whole Metallica rap if you just type in 'Metalica' with one 'L'! Ain't that terrific? Finally, I can listen to Enter Sandman while playing Minesweeper with a clear head. But my opinion is irrevelant...I'm the unbiased *coughMP3sR00L!cough* host of the show. Anyway, let's hear from our first panelist....Samuel L. Jackson!!!

Samuel: Now lidden here, sucka! You see what I'm holding in my hands at this vehhy moment? No sir, it ain't no magical reflective frisbee. Izza recordable CD! Wit did, I mahself am finally able to make mah own mixes of various live Foghat songs! Izza dream come true! Online music sharing is where it's at!

Samuel: I dares any one of ya to challenge my insight! You know what the 'L' stands for in mah name? Shit stands for 'Listen to the man!' My opinion is the opinion!

Mantennae: Ohhhhhh no it's not! Music piracy is the tool of the devil and everything unholy! These artists deserve their paychecks! Look what I'm doing! I'm breaking your alleged 'recordable' CD as a show of protest! Eat that!

Royal Guard: Fuck, man. That was my compilation of every Jefferson Starship live cut since 1975. This fucking sucks.

Mantennae: Naspter bad!

Samuel: Napster good, sucka.

Mantennae: But what of the musicians! What about Madonna? She won't make any money off her new album if it's available on the net for free! NAPSTER BAD!

Samuel: Oh boo hoo. Like dat bitch don't got enough loot. Tell the 'thucka to go sell some t-shirts or somethin'. Napster for life!

Mantennae: Fuck you assface!!!

Samuel: Stick yo face in a dog's crotch and start licking canine dick, sucka!!!

Admiral Ackbar: HEY!!

Admiral Ackbar: Will you two can it with the vulgarity?!! Jesus, you know our advertisers won't stand for that....

Admiral Ackbar: Our wonderful advertisers, that is to say. The same people who bring you nutricious Popeye Spinach! Mmm...spinach...

Samuel: Well if that ain't the biggest load of crap I ever did hear.

Mantennae: Talk about your double-standards!

Ackbar: What double-standards? I haven't cursed once!!

Samuel: Maybe not, but then how do you explain putting a monkey with his goods hangin' out right in camera view?!

Happy Jerk-Off Monkey: Sure, blame the monkey. It's always the monkey, isn't it? Fuckers.

Admiral Ackbar: Alright, alright...enough! There's only one way to settle this whole Napster thing. With a good old-fashioned battle to the death. But since we're not old-fashioned...hell, we're borderline before our time...let's just hold a vote. I'll stay out of the voting...because after all, I am the host. All in favor of online music sharing and downloading, say 'I'!!!

Samuel, Pikachu, & Jigglypuff: I!!!!

Admiral Ackbar: And all opposed, say 'nay'. Twice.

Mantennae, Monkey, Buddha, Royal Guard: Nay. Nay.

Ackbar: Well guys, looks like we have our answer. By a margin of 4-3, it looks like online music sharing is just completely, flat-out WRONG!

Samuel: Oh you hold it right there, sucka! You just go and give me five minutes...and I'll be right back with a tie-breaker!

Ackbar: Just five minutes?

Samuel: What do I look like to you, Ackbar? Some fuggin slowpoke sucka who can't get the job done in less than figh minnets?! Well I can! I'll be right back!

Barbie: You know Ken, I don't think this is going to work.

Ken: What?! Why?!!

Barbie: It's pretty simple. Neither of us has any orifices.

Samuel: Hold it right there!

Barbie: AHHHH! Who are you?! What do you want?!!

Samuel: The name's Sammy J and I'm here to've gotta come with me and save da day!

Admiral Ackbar: And by a 5-4 looks like Napster turned the tide! ONLINE MUSIC SHARING IS A TOTALLY JUST CAUSE! DOWNLOAD EVERYTHING! Whooo!

Admiral Ackbar: Well, that was quite a debate. I'd like to thank our panelists for tonight's show, and of course, all of you at home. Treat each other well. Bathe often. And eat lots of Popeye's Spinach! Goodnight!

The End?

Ken: Well I guess dry sex isn't so bad.

Barbie: Oh give me a break, Ken. This is like trying to make it with an ironing board!

Monkey: ::giggles::

The Final Standpoint: Do I think online music sharing is totally fair? Course not. But Jesus, do you think I'm going to listen to Metallica if I actually have to pay for it? Have you seen what Lars looks like lately? He's the guy who you knocks on your door waving an all-male cosmetic line causing you to hide under the bed till he leaves. And they're not gonna woo any teenybopper girls with their looks, considering that they all could've done Sabretooth and Toad's X-Men stunts and no one would've been the wiser. They're trying to kill off their only source to get new fans! Long live MP3s!

- Matt