previous article | | next article
Mrs. Peltzer's GREMLINS Pest Control Strategies...
Matt - 08/13/00

Having a Gremlin in your home might seem a bit unsettling, but keep your head clear. There are ways to deal with it. With a little luck and some creativity, even you can thwart the evil Gremlin mischief surely awaiting you in the near future.

The first step is to acknowledge the problem. If your son told you there were cocoons growing in the attic, it's best not to let even let the slightest strange noise go unchecked. In fact, if your son told you there were cocoons growing in the attic, you might want to look into getting a new son. Mrs. Peltzer knows there's a Gremlin problem that needs to be dealt with, and she's going to teach us the proper way to handle it.

Obviously, grab the nearest knife. In situations like this, it's always best to assume the worst case scenario. Sure, that noise upstairs might've just been the family dog -- but is that a risk you're willing to take? Follow Mrs. Peltzer's lead... Hear a noise? Grab a knife.

Mrs. Peltzer is giving us a very important lesson here. Don't let the Gremlins see you. Once they set eyes on you, the only way to make it out alive is to chop their heads off. So unless you're very sure of yourself...the old hide-and-seek addage really applies here.

As you can see, Peltzer's methodical plot pays off in a big way. Sure, if you opt for this plan, you may end up with quite a mess. But on the other hand, think of all the stories you can tell your grandkids! 'Here junior, sit on my lap and lemme tell you about the time I butchered a monster using this very blender!' You might not appreciated the mess, but the kids will appreciate the stories. We guarantee it.

Of course, there will be other times when it's perfectly acceptable to simply start stabbing the Gremlins like a crackhead lunatic. We can't give our full reccomendation on this method though, and we need you to understand that Mrs. Peltzer is a trained professional. If you attempt the head-on battle, you do so at your own risk.

However, if you insist on giving that one a try, there is one very important piece of advice we can give you. It's imperative for you to make a face eight times scarier than the Gremlins while attempting to stab them. This confuses them, and amuses those watching who would otherwise be disinterested. Just look at the picture above and follow Mrs. Peltzer's lead.

Here is what's come to be known as Mrs. Peltzer's 'specialty', the ol' lure-the-Gremlin-into-the-microwave-and-watch-him-implode trick. A lot of people like to credit Mrs. Peltzer with creating this widespread practice, but truth be told, it has it's roots back in the Navajo tribes of the early 1700s. Mrs. Peltzer merely perfected the craft.

It's a simple, direct, four-step process. Steps one and two are depicted above. Here's what you need to do:

Step One: Look at the Gremlin. Make sure he's not wearing any metal jewelry or other such materials.

Step Two: Spray bug repellant in the Gremlin's face. If bug repellant isn't available, simply throw all-purpose flour in his eyes. As long as the Gremlin ends up with a white face, you're on the right track.

Step Three: Trap the Gremlin in a microwave. If your microwave isn't as large as Mrs. Peltzer's, don't worry. The Gremlin will still fit.

Step Four: Cook the Gremlin. Again, a potentially messy procedure, but a very effective one. You can opt to eat the remains after this step is complete, but we'll leave that completely up to you, as tastes do differ from region to region.

As far as owning a Mogwi for a pet, we obviously can't reccomend it. Having a cute pet isn't worth the risk that you'll end up in a town covered in Gremlins. Mrs. Peltzer feels owning a Mogwi is a 'shitty idea and grounds for divorce'.

Again, keep this page handy in case you ever need it. Mrs. Peltzer unfortunately has declined our requests to make her e-mail address public for further inquiries, citing that it's 'an even shittier idea'. Oh well. Be careful, especially in the dark and especially after midnight.

- Gremlins Safety Society