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The Masters Of The Universe Chronicles - Episode IV w/ Download!
Matt - 08/15/00

I'm not sure if I want to know what's going on at the bottom of that picture.

Because YOU Demanded It!

Dr. Rocket got his computer all fixed, so with that we herald in the latest episode review & download of The Masters of the Universe! Now, if only we can make him get past his strange infactuation with Japanese pop music, he'd be a model employee.

This'll be the fourth episode we've talked about on X-E. And it's a doozy. In the past, I've watched these things looking for the humorous, nonsensical parts since those are the funnest to talk about. Not with this one. In this episode, I was desperately searching for any semblence of sanity. What I got was some of the strangest stuff in He-Man history. This episode features the first appearance of one of the best character ideas I've ever seen...

FISTO! A character with a giant fist. Who comes up with this stuff? The guys in Masters of the Universe don't have superpowers...they have deformities. Think about it...Fisto's got elephantitis of the hand...Trap Jaw's got no arm at all...Beast Man's a just goes on and on. The show's a lesson in overcoming adversity more than anything else. If these guys can get over the fact that there's something wrong with all of them, so can you.

Fisto's problems run deeper than his giant hand though. In this tale, we learn all about his sordid past of debauchery and evil plots involving spiders and trees. It's a tale of penance. How did Fisto become a hero? Learn all about it in...

The Masters of the Universe

Episode Review IV: Fisto's Forest

* There really isn't much left to the imagination when it comes to Fisto. For some reason, he sounds like he's underwater. He struggles to explain a thought. And he's got a massive hand. A young boy falls from a tree in the beginning of the episode...a giant bear creature is about to attack - but Fisto saves the day! This little device lets us know that yes, Fisto is a good guy. The kid tells Fisto he's almost as heroic as He-Man, but Fisto disagrees. He's a hero, no doubt, but he's no He-Man. Acceptance is the first step, friends. Getting rid of the pirate outfit and giant hand is the second.

* Fisto doesn't have much to do, so he decides to spend the next 20 minutes telling the kid the story about how he went from bad to good. And that cues our flashback scene...everything from here on out happened years ago, when things were different.

* We see a small town near the forest. An old man who looks like Ben Kenobi, a young girl, and her father who looks like He-Man's self-conscious younger brother, are all crying because Fisto cut off their water supply. The father heads off to the forest...but his daughter knows Fisto is too much to handle, so she goes off to the palace to seek help..

* The little girl's name is 'Raina', and everyone agrees to help. Everyone being Prince Adam, Teela, and Cringer. Wouldn't Adam's life be so much easier if he just let Teela know who he really was? Then he wouldn't have to go meet up with evil villains looking like this...

Honestly, if you're a maniacal bad guy with less reasoning skills than a wild bull, do you really think Prince Adam is going to convince you to stop doing such shitty things? If anything, you're going to be insulted that this is what the palace sends to stop you. No soldiers, weapons, battle vehicles...just a guy taking a breather from his ballet class. Sending Prince Adam in only gives the bad guys more of a reason to try harder at causing havoc.

* Meanwhile, Raina's dad gets captured by Fisto and his giant spider. Fisto directs the spider to make a puddle of webbing on the ground, so of course, Teela and Raina walk directly into it. Adam and Cringer are off galavanting somewhere while Fisto starts punching down a tree in Teela's direction. Uh oh..

* He-Man's got the power! Again, why does the guy wait till his friends are in mortal danger before going through his transformation? Why doesn't he just stay as He-Man all the time? What, are the King and Queen going to be dissapointed to learn that their son really isn't a cowardly princess who dresses like a 1st grade schoolgirl at her first boy-girl birthday party?

* Anyway, He-Man and Battle Cat save Teela and Raina. Now they've gotta find Fisto to save Raina's father!

* Here's where things get a little weird. Fisto returns to his headquarters and consults a glowing orb. It's revealed that Fisto is an agent of Skeletor, who has enchanted the forest with an evil spell that allows Fisto full jurisdiction over the trees. Yup. In the glowing orb appears to be some elf who Fisto trapped. I have no fucking clue how to explain this.

* Fisto uses a magic spell to make a tree attack our heroes. Battle Cat digs a tunnel, allowing everyone to escape. While all this action was going on, I noticed that poor, innocent Raina is sporting some pretty brutal headgear. Take a look when you download, it looks like she's wearing a jockstrap on her head.

* Fisto's really a genius. For all his problems getting a sentence out, he's got some creative ways to win. In this case - causing a flood that knocks everyone into a tree prison. The water's rising, they're all trapped...and doom awaits! He-Man's off doing something else, and he has no idea that any of this is going on.

* You knew it was coming, and what MOTU cartoon would be complete without an..

AMAZING SCENE ALERT: Everyone, pay real close attention when you hit the 14:30 mark. He-Man takes a swing on a vine, only to realize it wasn't a vine at was the evil spider's webbing! Here's He-Man's thoughts....

He-Man: Wait a minute...this vine shouldn't be sticking to my hand.

He ain't the Master of the Universe for nothing, folks. Super-sleuth He-Man makes a brilliant deduction! He-Man plays tug-of-war with the spider until Orko telepathically informs him that everyone's about to drown.

* Raina escapes the prison. I should mention that a bit earlier, Fisto managed to get himself trapped under a log, and he's about to face the water torture himself. But Raina rescues him! Fisto doesn't understand it, and neither does anyone else.

* Raina finds He-Man and tells him that there's a whole lotta bullshit going on. They return, and Fisto has a change of heart. He's a good guy now. They free Teela, Orko, and Battle Cat, but it's not time to celebrate just yet. Raina's dad (will we ever learn his name?) is still trapped, and since Fisto isn't being bad anymore, it's a sure bet that Skeletor won't grant him power over the forest.

* Speak of the devil! Skeletor's face appears on the orb, and he announces himself as 'the voice of Skeletor'. Christ. When I call someone, I don't announce myself as 'the voice of Matt', and it's not like anyone else in Eternia sounds like Skeletor anyway. Skeletor gives the evil spider super-strength.

Uh oh...

AMAZING SCENE ALERT #2: To get past the enchanted trees, He-Man catapults himself over 'em using a tree. Apparently, all trees in Eternia aren't only alive, they're made of rubber.

* He-Man does battle with the spider...but it's cut short. He-Man breaks the orb, not only shrinking the spider down to normal bug size, but also freeing the little elf that was trapped inside. It'd be nice if they explained why this elf was trapped in there earlier, but then again, it'd also be nice if they explained who the fuck the elf was. I guess they were too busy focusing on the character development of Raina's father, which got as far as trapping him in a spider web and not giving him a name. Oh well, he's free now. The elf restores peace to the forest, and all is well. Time to flash forward to the present...

* Fisto is about to finish off his story, when He-Man shows up and explains how after Fisto stopped trying to kill everyone, he received a full pardon from the palace. Folks, this is the feelgood moment of the year. He-Man makes a really lame joke about Fisto's giant hand, they all laugh for about four minutes, and the end credits roll. Oh yeah, Teela also tells us today's lesson - do onto others as you would have them do onto you. Makes sense. Fisto treated everyone like shit and they still saved him from drowning. Nice!

Thoughts: I've come to realize that unless you live directly in the palace, you have a really fucked up voice. Raina sounds like a cat with stab wounds, Fisto sounds like he's gargling into a microphone, and we all know what Skeletor sounds like. Still, I guess this did a good job of selling the Fisto action figure. Not that it needed much marketing -- after all, it was one of the only action figures out there with a hand misproportionate to the rest of it's body. That sells itself.

This episode for some reason has made me a Teela fan. She's just about the only one involved that isn't too abnormal. I'm a little upset that we didn't get much Skeletor for this episode, but I guess you can't have everything.

Click Here To Go To The Download Page!

That's the Fisto action figure. Hence the giant fucking hand.

- Matt

()()() Do you have some old video, magazine, dumb toy or whatever else that you want to get rid of and see reviewed on X-E? E-mail me, send it to me, and make mouths happy!