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ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY: 2001 Upcoming Films Previewed
liquorhead - 08/19/00

Why waste your time finding out what this Fall's hot movies are going to be? You've heard it a million times over already. That's easy stuff. X-Entertainment is proud to bring you a special edition of ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY that previews tons of films that are coming out NEXT YEAR! That's right...start saving your ticket money and watch out for these 2001 releases. Don't say we didn't warn you!

The creative bankrupcty of Hollywood continues into the new year with AMERICAN PIE 2 (just when you thought it was safe to fuck a pie), BAD BOYS 2, BLADE 2, BASIC INSTINCT 2 (with Sharon Stone), BLAIR WITCH 3, BLUE STREAK 2 (did he lose that diamond again?), CRUEL INTENTIONS 2, CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LA ($10 says Subaru gets product placement), DOCTOR DOOLITTLE 2, JURASSIC PARK 3, MEN IN BLACK 2 (Wil Smith loves those sequels), MIMIC 2, SPAWN 2, STUART LITTLE 2, TOTAL RECALL 2, and TURBULENCE 3 (was there even a 2?).

If only one of those sequels would at least throw "Electric Boogaloo" at the end of their title, it might be worth it.

Freddy vs. Jason, heroes to kids with screwed up skin since 1981

80s horror film fans will be happy to see the long awaited FREDDY VS. JASON, and will even get an early treat of JASON X, which features Jason 500 years in the future hacking up hapless souls on a space station. Let's hope it's the cast of Voyager.

Martin Kunert is directing a film about legendary crazyman ED GEIN, who's bizarre antics inspired PSYCHO, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and other mass murdering maniac tales. While the Alan Moore graphic novel FROM HELL, which tells the story of Jack the Ripper, will also be released starring Johnny Depp and Heather Graham. And sticking with the comic book hell theme is HELLBOY, based on the Mike Mignola comic of the same name.

The Cannibal is back

And of course, no serial killer film is more highly anticipated than HANNIBAL with Anothony Hopkins once again playing the role he was born to play. Jodie Foster isn't coming back, however, as Clarice Starling, as the role will now be played by BOOGIE NIGHTS star Julianne Moore.

And VLAD THE IMPALER, perhaps history's most prolific mass murderer, will be getting this own movie starring Roger Daltery and Jane March next year as well. You know, when you're casting Roger Daltrey in a movie, there's just no stopping your box office success.

The "real" FANTASTIC FOUR movie is scheduled for a 2001 release, but before you get too excited, realize it's going to be directed by Raja Gosnell who has brought you such "fantastic films" as HOME ALONE 3, BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE, and NEVER BEEN KISSED. Check out the XE archives for a look at the original FF movie, why don't you?

Personally I think this lady is a more natural fit for Lara Croft than Miss Jolie

Angela Jolie will star as Lara Croft in next year's TOMB RAIDER film, while the video game FINAL FANTASY will get the big screen treatment as an animated film featuring the voices of Alec Baldwin, Steve Buscemi, and Ving Rhames. For some reason the thought of Lara Croft fucking Billy Bob Thornton doesn't sit well with me.

Heather Graham stars as a scientist who gets in a dangerous relationship in KILLING ME SOFTLY. No word yet on what song they'll use for the opening credits yet.

GREMLINS director Chris Columbus brings HARRY POTTER to the big screen in a movie that's sure to spawn merchandising and Happy Meal tie ins that haven't been seen in years. Retarded kids across the country will be lining up days in advance to see this movie.

Look for the 2nd part of THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy to duel with Michael Flatley's LORD OF THE DANCE. All we need now is a rerelease of LORD OF THE FLIES and the world will end.

Thanks for casting Rebecca Rominjin-Stamos in ROLLERBALL so we have an excuse to use this picture!

PREDATOR and DIE HARD director John McTiernan is at the helm of a remake of the 70s violent action film ROLLERBALL which stars LL Cool J, Jean Reno, and Rebeccad Romijin-Stamos.

What are the odds that the film SAD FUCKERS CLUB starring Andie MacDowell keeps the same title when it's released?

Denise Richards stars in yet another SCREAMish teen slasher film called VALENTINE which involves a circle of friends who get creepy Valentine's Day cards, and it turns out someone is stalking them to get revenge for spurning them when they were younger. Sounds like Dr. Rocket's life story brought to the big screen at last!

Tom Savini stars in VAMPIRATES

Horror makeup legend Tom Savini will star as Blackbeard with such luminaries as Apolonia "I Used to Fuck Prince" Kotero, Brinke Stevens, and Philip Michael Thomas in VAMPIRATES with Vampires and Pirates, how could you go wrong?

But at least the pedigree for Sam Raimi's SPIDER-MAN film is looking good with Toby Maguire cast as Peter Parker, and the rumored villains as Dr. Octopus and Green Goblin should make for an exciting watch. Nicolas Cage is rumored to be cast as The Green Goblin, but nothing is confirmed.

The pussy puns are just too hard to resist

One of the more intriguing comic book film projects is the surprise JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS. Parker Posey and Rachel Leigh Cook are already slated to star. Can't wait to see those cat suits! Let me be the first to use the lame pun "Posey and the Pussycats". There, now nobody else do it, please!

UPRISING tells the story of Jews who rise up in the Warsaw Ghetto against the Nazis in 1943. Something tells me they don't succeed at the end of the film.

Yes, Roberto Begnini is going to get even more annoying

Eternally annoying Roberto Benigni will play the title role in a live action version of PINOCCHIO. If he says this movie isn't going to suck, his nose will grow.

For the love of god, make The Mugatu the villain of this film!

The STAR TREK franchise continues on with the 10th movie in the series scheduled for a 2001 release. Not many details available yet, but according to Paramount, fans can expect, "a very action-oriented story that revolves around a remarkable villain. A higher percentage of this film will take place in outer space than in our previous films." Sure won't be hard to top that crappy INSURRECTION film.

Meanwhile Star Trek star Jonathan Frakes is slated to direct TOTAL RECALL 2 which follows Quaid's further adventures on Mars (and apparently with someone other than Arnold in the lead role).

An interesting sequel is HEATHERS 2, which might be cool as the original film's writer, Daniel Walters is behind it. If they could somehow reassemble the blown apart bits of Christian Slater, it could be huge.

Martin Scorsese goes back to his roots with the gritty GANGS OF NEW YORK which focuses on Italian immigrants in the big city from the mid 1800s, and stars Daniel Day Lewis and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Ice Cube stars in GHOSTS OF MARS

John Carpenter returns to schlocky horror with GHOSTS OF MARS starring Ice Cube and Nastasha Henstridge.

Steven Speilberg is bringing Stanley Kubrick's long planned A.I project to life, starring Haley Joel Osmet from THE SIXTH SENSE.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson makes his film debut in THE MUMMY RETURNS, while Mariah Carey makes hers with Chris Tucker in an urban James Bond take called DOUBLE O SOUL.

Perhaps the film I'm looking most forward to next year is DUDE, WHERE's MY CAR who's plot outline simply states, "Two potheads wake up from a night of partying and can't remember where they parked their car. With Fabio as a guest star, and characters like "Nordic Dude #2" in the credits, it's cleary next year's blockbuster.