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Juicemobiles, Vampire Bats, Hitler Stamps: More Bad Comic Book Ads!
Matt - 08/19/00

Time for more old comic book ads! Back from the days where all it seemed to take to sell something was to simply create an ad...didn't really make a difference what the ad actually said, as long as there was an order form.

Growing up, I fell for scam after scam after scam. Now that I read ads like this again, I realize that 7-year-olds had to be the only ones who could possibly fall for things like this. But it went much deeper than that. Scams are cool...there's a million ways to make money in this world, and I respect that. But why these companies chose these routes is beyond me...some of these products aren't just stupid, aren't just pointless...they're downright vile...

Pet raccoons! You know, I guess things were a lot different in the 50s. You could fuck and share needles with whomever you wanted, and since there was no rabies, you could play with your pet raccoon when you were done with zero worries. I just like the keynote here - America's favorite pet. Now granted, I wasn't around for these golden years, but I'm pretty sure someone would've informed me by now of some massive surge of raccoon ownership back in the 50s. I'm also hesistant to believe that these raccoons were more docile in earlier decades. Maybe when life wasn't so hectic, raccoons were a much calmer breed? Nuh uh. Rabid or not, if you piss off a raccoon, it's gonna maim you.

Look at the kid's face in the ad! That doesn't express joy and everything jovial to me. It looks more like the kid's saying 'please take the damn picture before this thing kills me'. And 30 bucks? Come on! Back then, 30 bucks would buy you three dogs and a new set of tires.

I also love how shady the ordering instructions are. 'Send your phone number and nearest airport address...' What, are you going to meet in some back alley to pick up your illegally imported raccoon? Hold up some obscure raccoon silver pendant to prove you're 'one of the guys'? Is it really worth the risk?

Hitler stamps, huh? Nice. The ad states that they're getting 'harder and harder to obtain', and it's easy to see why. Who wouldn't want Hitler stamps adorning their Christmas card envelopes?

These aren't the kind of things you go showing off to your friends. You don't leave 'em in a strategic spot in your living room to impress guests at dinner parties. Honestly, I've collected everything from stupid action figures to Wiccan spellbooks, and even I wouldn't know how to explain a collection of Hitler memorabilia. 'It's just for fun!' Yeah, see how well that one flies. 'Oh, it doesn't mean anything. It's just something I'm interested in'. Listen, you might be able to get away saying you're just interested in masochism or Barbra Streisand movies, but you really can't pull it off with Nazi stuff. It's asking for trouble.

But hey, at least they're free, right? That could be your excuse. They may be stamps featuring the world's greatest plague of all time, but it's not like you went out and bought them or anything.

The worst part about this is - this isn't a recent ad. In fact, it's probably from around fifteen years after WW2 or so. You know, all these crazy people, they didn't seem to be all that over everything by that point. Isn't that crazy? Right. So, anyway, Hitler Heads. I can't wait till this company branches out into themed breakfast cereal with Special KKK kicking off their lineup.

Topping every kid's wish list back in the early 60s was the famous life-size Vampire Bat. And when I say life size - I mean life size! I guess bats were fucking huge back then...the company seems really impressed with that feature.

Check out the other features:

* Rattles windows with terrifying, loud creepy sounds.
* Climbs, crawls, dances, jumps, floats in the air.
* Does all this even when you hide far away!

They could've saved on a lot of ad space if they just would've wrote 'Bat is attached to a string. Use it.' But I guess they wanted to make things clear for us. When you add in the fact that it's eyes glow eerily in the dark, the measely buck seems like more than a good deal, doesn't it?

Ohhh Christ.

If I ever begged for something to bring an endless stream of material, the ad above is it. O.J. Simpson Juicemobiles Shoes! They're all-purpose, meaning they'll work just as well on the football field as they will when you're running from the scene of the crime.

Granted, these shoes were sold back in a time when O.J.'s killing spree was delegated only to his dreams, but retrospectively...O.J. shoes?! If only these were all-purpose gloves.

The saddest part is, these would probably sell better today than they did back then, because we're just a sad and crazy society, aren't we?

Ah, the creme de creme, or however the fuck you spell it. For centuries, man has searched for a trading card that screamed good taste, and finally he's found it: Full House cards!!!

Not just Full House...Family Matters and Perfect Strangers too!

The ad states that the collection consists of eighty side-splitting trading cards. Now listen. T.G.I.F. was never known for being the pillar of comedic genius. It's something you watch when you're babysitting a six-year-old or when you've done something evil and need to be punished. If the shows are that unfunny, I'd hate to see the cards. There's no laugh track to mask the fact that the jokes are lamer than our galleries section.

Plus, these are trading cards. Trading. Picture the convos!

Mike: I'll give you an Uncle Jesse for an Aunt Harriet.
Danny: Throw in a Stephanie, and it's a deal.
Mike: Wow.
Danny: What's the matter? Make it a Carl Winslow card if it's a real problem for ya.
Mike: It's not that...we're sitting here trading fucking TGIF cards. That's pretty lame.
Danny: Yeah, I know what you mean. We don't even have the ultra-rare Michelle variation card where her nipple is showing.
Mike: I don't think you get it. No one at school's gonna talk to us if they find out we're collecting these.
Danny: least not until one of us manages to get the holographic Uncle Jesse card.

It's bad enough I have to see these shows weekdays in reruns while waiting for the Golden Girls hour. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna have my room littered with their frigging trading cards. If only they made this a strictly Perfect Strangers deal, then we'd be safe. But noooo...

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I feel all happy and glowy. Other times, it's depressed and dismal. Occassionally, I wake up feeling like a used car salesman. And that's why the ad to the left is so great. As the promo states, it's the only way to get a quick change to suit your mood! Feeling like an old pervert? Slap on the beige mustache! Wanna be like your humble host? It's gotta be the fake sideburns!

I was really at a loss with this one until I saw it came equipped with the highly-sought 'deluxe Van Dyke'. Call me uncultured, but I don't know what the hell a 'Van Dyke' is. But if it'll make me look like the king from Spaceballs, count me in.

So you see, bad comic ads aren't a thing of the past. They've been around forever, and the silliness will never cease. But hey, they're fun. If you get a comic that's really boring, at least you can laugh at the ads. Just as long as you don't buy anything from 'em.

- Matt