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Saved By The Bell -- The Board Game!
Matt - 08/25/00

Planning a party? Got all the right foods, all the right drinks...but nothing to keep your guests entertained? Well, don't break out Monopoly just yet. We have a solution for you. Scratch that -- we've got the solution for you...

The Saved By The Bell Board Game

I really think that this game was made with the sole purpose of me writing about it after it's inevitable failure on the shelves. It's just too perfect. I've longed to continue on talking about SBTB, but since I can't find enough info on Tori or James The Actor to continue the character profiles right now, this'll have to make due. This one comes from my sister's vault of eBay wares. As surprising as it sounds, nobody wanted to buy this thing. I'm really hardpressed to figure out why, though. I haven't seen such a gratuitous showing of Mario Lopez' chest since that SBTB earthquake episode. That's gotta count for something, right?

The game begs you to 'spend an outrageous day with the Saved By The Bell gang!' And outrageous is an understatement of epic proportions: what other game gave us the chance to go to the water park with Slater? None. Brace yourselves - if you thought the television show was ain't seen nothing yet.

Firstly, let's meet our pretty cast...descriptions are from the game, not from me.

Zack: Preppy, charming and totally gorgeous! Zach is a schemer who would rather stay up all night figuring how to get out of an exam than studying for it!

Slater: The All-American athlete with dimples to die for! Captain of Bayside's football team, Slater is a chauvinist who -- believe it or not -- has an emotional side. What a combo!

Screech: Class clown and electronic genius! When Screech turns on the power, the fun never stops!

Kelly: The most popular girl in school, Kelly is both beautiful and fun to be with. Kelly is outgoing and enjoys sportsand hanging out with her friends!

Jessie: Smart and pretty, Jessie is an honor student who helps keep the other kids in line! Enviromental and social issues are really important to Jessie, and so are her friends!

Lisa: She's absolutely adorable and a true fashion fiend! Lisa never has enough closet space! Her favorite saying at the mall is 'CHARGE'!

Like, gosh, are these the six more perfect, amazing people on the planet or what?! I really like the Slater description. He's tough...but sensual. Let me ask you something. If all these people were so wonderful, why'd they end up on such shitty sitcoms and WB drama series, or in the worst case scenario, hosting kids' gameshows seen only by four people on Saturdays at 5 AM? Are we, the viewers, that masochistic? As we've discussed many, many times before - in the Bayside Universe, the only six people who were allowed to do anything we the lovely students above. Hell, even Scott Wolf was on two or three episodes, and all he got to do was stand in the background staring at Jessie's ass.

Back to the game...

The object of the game is pretty simple: The first one to gain 30 points wins. But unless you're me or a girl, you may have a problem with what you've gotta do to reach those 30 points. You'll have to go on a date with Zack and Slater.

Yes, dirty little girls, fufill your wildest sexual dreams by rubbing the Zack and Slater date cards all over your body. Check out some of the arousing ways Zack and Slater pop the date question to you...

Zack always was a smooth talker, and it's the same way here. Zack knows that the best way to woo a girl is to throw a compliment in her face first, hence all the 'You're cute!' and 'You're the one!' craziness. It really does work. I just called The Tiffstigator and asked if she'd annoy the dolphins at the aquarium next week for an X-E article. She was a little hesistant until I insisted that she...was the one. Zack knows his shit - and no girl can resist his evil blonde charm.

Slater on the other hand, well...hmmmm. Well, at least Slater has muscles. He's not going to win anyone over with his brains. 'Want to go to the water park?' I dare you to try that one as your initial greeting to a hot chick at the mall. Slater suffers from talking straight from his stream of consciousness, which would be fine if his stream of consciousness wasn't totally stupid. 'Will you be my date for the picnic?' But it's something you'll have to deal with - you need to go on dates with both these guys in order to win. Yes, even if you're a straight male, you need to get excited when Zack asks you out. If you don't, there's no chance in Hell you'll even make it up to Home Economics class with Kelly.

Yes, the game board itself has more fun packed in it than Monopoly, Scrabble, and Mouse Trap combined! As you work around the board, what we've said time and time again will become crystal clear: the only two places that truly exist in the SBTB universe are Bayside High and The Max. They threw in a Driver's Ed spot too, but as any fan knows, these kids crash through houses after one beer. Remember that episode? Teen drinking shows should at least try to drive their point home somewhat realistically. The kids had two fucking swigs of beer and literally crashed through a house. One time, I managed to sing the entire score from Rocky Horror on half a bottle of Goldschlagger, so I don't know what kind of beer these Bayside kids got their hands on. Probably double-spiked beer planted by those evil Valley kids.

Like Clue, there's also secret passages on the board. For instance, you can go from the gym to the Max in under two seconds. Just like the show! But you'll have to answer some pretty tough trivia questions if you hope to pull all that off...

Jesus, and I thought I was obsessed with this show. These questions are insane. Next time you watch SBTB, make sure you jot down a note as to Lisa's shoelace color, because you can be sure the game's gonna ask you about it. The trivia cards also serve as a constant reminder that the show's writers indulged themselves with a frequent use of LSD and other-mind altering drugs. For instance, Zack once used the song California Girl to brainwash Mr. Belding into getting him out of detention. Or the time if was found out that Bayside was sitting on what had to be the world's biggest supply of crude oil. Or the homeless girl that Zack and family take into their home for 30 minutes before never seeing them again. Plot oversights? Of course, but it's all part of the fun and mystique of Saved By The Bell.

The ending of the game is kinda anti-climactic. 'Oh, I fucked Zack and Slater? Have 30 points? Pack it up, I win.' But by the time you get through all these zany trivia questions and way too many pictures of Screech, you're going to be pretty drained anyway. The back of each character card gives you juicy gossipy info on the real people behind the cast. And that's a good thing, because how else are you going to find out that...

* Lark Voorhies is an only child who lived with her mother in 1992!
* Tiffani-Amber Thiessen has not one, but two brothers!
* Elizabeth Berkley feels her character is a bit too serious!
* Dustin Diamond deserves to die!

Of course, the game neglects to mention Tori's appearance on SBTB. Oh, you remember Tori? The show's only lesbian biker chick? The one who wore a leather jacket over her dress at the prom? Tori brought something to the show that even Zack couldn't: masculinity. And while she's absent from the game, she's not absent...from our hearts.

You've seen the play the game!!

Somebody sent me an e-mail with the Official Saved By The Bell Drinking Game rules. They're dead on - Click Here To Play!

Or, download these .zip files and really get into the SBTB groove by listening to some of their rarest and worst musical acts of all time! Download here, and get some more by downloading here!


- Matt