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Screw Mario - Super Luigi Bros.!!
Matt - 08/25/00

The whole Super Mario craze will really never die. As long as Nintendo keeps churning out a new system every few years, they'll be a new Mario game for us to latch on to. It's a constant, neverending cycle. But note the key word there. Mario. Well...what about this guy?

Yes, Luigi. Poor, poor Luigi. Listen, there's no 'I' in team, and I wouldn't want my team named after my shorter brother. Not only is Luigi conveniently missing from the title of the games - he's always either getting the second billing, or worse - completely left out from the game altogether. And it's just wrong. If you really look at things for what they are, Luigi is superior to Mario. He's in better shape, he doesn't eat as much, and because of his blue eyes, he's genetically superior.

Well, I had to know how he felt about getting cheated on the Mario craze, so I interviewed him. Please note that the interview took place when I was in dire need of sleep. And the last two times that's happened on this site, Samuel L. Jackson told you his favorite Cheerios flavor, and Cobra Commander pleaded the case of Almond Joy to Judge Palpatine. Just a little warning...

X-E: Luigi, it's great to see you. We love you, we really do. Right off the bat, we've gotta ask the question that's on the mind of literally millions of people...why the green clothes?
Luigi: Heyyya, I wear the greenah due to mya envy on a count of Mahrio's greater success, ah?
X-E: Oh no. You've got the bad stereotypical accent too, don't you?
Luigi: Haha, youa might be sayin' dat, mister! Izza dis ah problem?
X-E: It just seems like every time we interview somebody, they've got these awful fake accents, and they're really hard to transcribe in print.
Luigi: Heyya, you gotta make due with what ya gotta... Que sera, sera ah!
X-E: Anyway...Luigi, you say you're envious of Mario. Does this have anything to do with your suspicious absence from the hit N64 game, Mario 64?
Luigi: Heya izza much deeper than that, eh! Oreeginally , I was supposed to be inna the game. Here, I show you...

X-E: Well I'll be! You were supposed to be in Mario 64! Why'd they take you out?
Luigi: Maya Godda, who do I looka like to you...Regis Philbin? I'a don't know ehverything, I'ma just an Italian plumbah. Notta scientistah!
X-E: Luigi...please...please stop talking like that.
Luigi: Likah whatta? Likah thisah?
X-E: FUCKING STOP! Nobody's going to be able to understand a word you're saying!
Luigi: Heya, that'sa der problemah, not Luigi's, eh?
X-E: Luigi, what's your favorite song to make love to?
Luigi: That would be ah 'Friends Forever' bya Zack Attack, eh?
X-E: Alright, this is way too annoying, we're going to have to end this interview.
Luigi: Heya, don't I getta last request?
Matt: Fine, fine. What do you want?
Luigi: Back when I wassa little child in the land of Sicilia, I always dreamtah of someday owning my very ownah giant decapitated Shirley Hemphill head, ah?

Matt: There. Are we finished?
Luigi: Yessa! Mah love to you and yoursah!

Let's just forget that...ever...happened.

Luigi really does get screwed though. Think about it - if Luigi got to wear the red outfit, he'd be more popular than Mario. The proof is in Super Mario Bros. II for the Nintendo, where Luigi's superiority really shines through....

Now, this game really supports the claims of Luigi enthusiasts everywhere. In the first Super Mario Bros. game, Mario and Luigi looked exactly the same. The only real difference was that whomever played as Luigi had lost the coin toss to see who went first. But this game? Mario could no longer hide behind sub-par video game technology and live under the falsehood that he was on par with his brother. He's lucky he's such a good political strategist. The pictures speak for themselves...

As you can see, Luigi's taller, trimmer, and all in all, a pretty handsome fellow. Mario's a stout fathead with a grossly exaggerated mustache. Yet, everyone picks Mario. What the fuck? By the time we move into the actual abilities field, everything should become pretty fucking clear. Luigi can jump twice as high as Mario, and he doesn't need to hold his ears to do it.

And how does Mario respond? 'Oh, I can pull the turnips out of the ground faster.' Big fucking deal! Have any of you ever played this game? If you stood perfectly still, it'll take approximately thirteen minutes for an enemy to finally walk up to you. It's not like pulling the turnips that fast is such a coup. And besides, Toad's better at it than Mario. Face it, this game's about the almighty jump. And while the Princess leads the pack - Luigi absolutely detonates his stupid fat brother.

Amazingly enough, by the time Super Mario Bros. 3 rolled around, Mario and Luigi basically looked exactly the same again. More political shystering by Nintendo's golden son? I think so. And it was all downhill from there. Sure, Luigi got a car in Mario Kart 64, but so did the frigging Koopa Troopa.

In fact, it's not just video games that royally screw Luigi. Our hero's been shafted on television as well. Remember the Super Mario Brothers Super Show? I're trying not to. Again, more nonsense. Mario got a true icon cast for his role in pro-wrestling's Cap'n Lou Albano...but who did Luigi get to represent him?

Yes, a guy that nobody has ever heard of. In fact, this guy was such a nobody, even off the set the crew called him 'Luigi'. To this very day, people still call him Luigi. Now let me ask you - is that a proper way to pay tribute to our hero? Comparing him to this guy? It's bullshit!

Luigi comes from a long line of secondary video game characters that are essentially better than the main stars. Could Sonic the Hedgehog fly? No, but Tails could. Could Donkey Kong jump high enough to get the bonus bananas? You'll have to leave that to Diddy Kong. Maybe this was video game creators' way of teaching kids the power of patience and mild-manners. The second player almost always had the distinct advantage.

In other words, it's time to let Nintendo know that we want Luigi back. No, fuck that, we want Luigi back with his name in the game's title. Hey, even the producers of Happy Days realized the Fonz deserved top billing eventually. Nintendo hasn't let us down yet, if you don't count making us pay to see The Wizard. I know they'll come through. But they need your guidance. Send 'em a mail, and support Luigi: a true hero!

Or instead, simply waste your time by playing the SMB2 Nintendo rom by clicking here and saving it to your illegal hard drives.

- Matt

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