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ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY: Survivor Finale, Rod Stewart Rescues, and a new Batman film?
liquorhead - 08/26/00

"Hey, at least that damn gerbil urban legend wasn't pinned on me!"

Rod Stewart has volunteered to help recover the bodies of the doomed Russian Submarine Kursk, citing his vast experience extracting seamen from hard to get to places.

Detroit Rock Shitty

KISS frontman Gene Simmons is developing a TV movie called ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE, which tells the tale of a couple who meets at a KISS concert, get separated, and spend the rest of the night trying to find each other despite wacky mishaps. Sounds like the same plot as DETROIT ROCK CITY, don't it?

I was at the Monterey Bay Aquarium a while ago and they had a special movie theater with a Peter Benchley hosted shark documentary. He opens up the video by saying, "...unfortunately, the shark population is dying off in record numbers, as people are mistakenly treating them as feared maneaters." Gee, Pete...who do you think started that whole thing? That's like Hitler doing a documentary wondering why Germans hated Jews so much.

Chris Rock accidentally left off Emmy ballot...Why can't that happen to Pat Buchanan?

Though his HBO special "Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker" was nominated for a "Best Variety or Music Special" Emmy, it was mistakenly left off the ballots that were printed, ruining his chances to actually win. An embarrassed Emmy Director John Leverance told reporters, "Nothing against Chris Rock personally, we just didn't want a negro to win."

Yoko Ono says her latest work of art, a freight car bored through with hundreds of holes and illuminated from inside was inspired by the deaths of 18 Mexicans in 1987 who perished in a sealed freight car trying to enter the United States illegally. Meanwhile, fellow New York artist Adam Kierkszygy is showcasing a statue made of cow shit, bloody ears, and barbed wire, which he says was inspired by Yoko Ono's music.

Madonna is suing the owners of for cybersquatting and using her name to unfairly promote their website. Madonna's publicist, Liz Rosenberg, said she thought the singer should fight for the domain name. ``She happens to be the most famous Madonna in the world, so I think she certainly has every right to try to protect a Web site called Madonna,'' she said. In related news, Jesus's mother issued a statement saying, "That bitch better watch her ass."

Scary Fact: In April through June of this year, 16% of Blockbuster Video's revenue, ($165,000,000 dollars) came from late fees. They're facing a class action lawsuit over this, stating the video retailer unfairly penalizes its customers for something that costs them next to nothing. Hell, I may sue Blockbuster for getting my wife to trick me into seeing THE STORY OF US.

Robin Williams is going to play Liberace in a biopic of the same name. Did you know Liberace successfully sued London's Daily Mirror in 1959 for implying that he was gay? That kind of legal ballsiness hasn't come back since Joan Rivers sued The National Enquirer for calling her a "Freakish Skeletal Whore".

Meanwhile, the formerly anti-gay radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is trying to soften her image in the gay community by having The Backstreet Boys on the first episode of her new TV show.

The bad news for Survivor winner Richard Hatch...he really has to drive that Pontiac Aztek, too

72 Million people tuned in to see the last episode of Survivor, making it the most watched show featuring a gay castaway since "Gilligan's Island" was canceled.

Richard Gere, impressed by the monstrous ratings of Survivor, has pitched a new series to FOX TV where he'll be stranded on an island with 15 gerbils, allowing viewers to vote for which one he'll shove in his ass each week.

Anne Heche...a return to the straight life, and making sure the toilet seat is down before she sits on it again

Former lesbian Anne Heche has reportedly left Ellen Degeneres to go back to men. When asked why she's had a change of heart, Heche replied, "If I heard one more Indigo Girls record, I was gonna go fucking postal, OKAY?"

Won't the real Slim Shady please shut up?

Eminem has filed a lawsuit against himself this week, stating, "Everyone else is, why shouldn't I?" The controversial white rapper dropped his bid to get joint custody, however, when he learned it had nothing to do with marijuana.

Warner Brothers is ignoring the dismal results from the last Batman film and is going ahead with plans for a live action Batman Beyond movie, based on the cartoon of the same name. Daily Variety also reports, "the studio is developing another sequel to its original Caped Crusader franchise, which was seemingly R.I.P. after Joel Schumacher's campy Batman and Robin starring the not-so-dynamic duo of George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell. Although details are sketchy, the sequel, the fifth flick in the series, will probably feature a new director and stars. The production is still in the conception stage, so there is no word when it will actually make it to theaters"

Personally I'd love to see them cast Bruce Campbell as Batman...he's always been my perfect choice.

U2 plans to release their first new album in a while this Halloween. Though no songs have been released yet, veteran producer Daniel Lanois promises it will live up to everyone's expectations by being incredibly pretentious.

A new daughter or granddaughter? You decide!

And finally, Woody Allen and Soon Yi Previn are the proud parents of a new adopted baby girl. Woody hopes to keep the girl's name and personal life a secret, however, and learning from previous bad press, promises to not have sex with her until she's at least 14.