Written/Created by: Matt
Originally posted on 8.26.00.

Musings:
This is one of my all time favorite articles, and even though it's several years old, I still get e-mails about it. I'm not exactly sure what made me think to review Nads Hair Removal Creme, but it opened a lot of doors for future zany articles. Up to this point, I wasn't totally sure what I could get away with. After Nads, pretty much everything was fair game.

Jesus Christ, I look so friggin' young in these pics. I can't believe how long I've been doing this stupid site. I actually still have the jar of Nads. It sits on our wall unit next to a few Green Bamboo Peanuts and my ol' Bulbasaur collection. Looking at the article now, it's not all that well-written. Still a lot of fun though, and it reminds me what the point of doing something like this is supposed to be. "Fun."

Nads Hair Removal Gel. Supposedly so safe, you can eat it. And I will. We're gonna put Nads to the ultimate edibility test...a little later on. First, let's talk about the product...

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So, my sister got Nads. Fucking Nads. I'm a huge informerical junkie, and once I saw that the biggest selling points they were making for Nads Hair Removal System was that it looked like green toffee and that it was edible, I knew that eventually, I'd have to write about it.

So anyway, she gets this package with all this assorted junk in it. Aside from the gel, there's a little stick, a few hair removal pads, and...a videotape. Not since they released Get A Life on video have I ran to the VCR so quickly. Universally, infomercials are a haven for bad acting. But the videotape versions? A far greater evil. These are the kind of things people should show at frat parties, or funerals to liven things up a bit. They're too fucking funny. Let's take a trip into the adventurous world of the Nads Hair Removal Kit...starting with this god awful video.

Now, before we begin, a few things of note. Remember that five bucks you found crumpled up at the bottom of the dryer last week? Say you found it ripped in half. In your hands would be the total production costs of this video. The 'hired help' consists of a host with the worst lisp I've ever heard, and a 500-pound woman with more hair on her body than a sasquatch. Let's roll...

And there's your host. Christ, where do they find these people? Why is it such a universal rule that informercials must not only cast the worst actors possible - but also the weirdest looking people on the planet? Let's call her Jane. Jane will spend the duration of the video fucking up her lines and applying alien slime all over people's bodies. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. She kicks off the show with probably the greatest line I've ever heard - 'Hello there! Thanks to Nads, I have absolutely no hair!' Nope, not kidding. She actually said that. So I can only assume those are trick eyebrows and a wig. Informericial producers really gotta start scripting these things. Leaving idiots to ab lib their way through the show probably isn't the greatest way to sell Nads, but at least it leaves me and you with some quality entertainment.

The wonderful kit. Comes with everything you see in the picture a few paragraphs above, and maybe more! On the right, you'll see the sludge that's supposedly going to remove hair from your body. It's also sludge that's supposedly so safe, you could eat it. It's also the sludge that I'm going to eat by the time this article ends, Jesus Christ.

The first example of how Nads works is also the first example of how completely wrong and absurd this video is. Jane, our host, doesn't just get people to serve as guinea pigs for her insane little hair removal experiments. She physically tortures them. You won't believe your eyes as she nonchalantly RIPS these strips off her poor unassuming victims. Now, the Nads were here. I had to try it out. I'm not telling you guys where, that's for the next girl I can convince that I'm sane to find out on a future infamous night when she asks why one part of my body is particularly smooth. The point is, I tried it, and it fucking hurts like a bitch. I don't care what these Nads people are telling you, you're essentially putting crazy glue on yourself and ripping off the hair by affixing a latex pad. I can do that with household glue and a towel. Granted, I couldn't eat the glue, but at least I wouldn't be paying 40 bucks to say 'ouch' and have yet another question arise as to my sexual preference.

Now, the real fun begins.

MARYLOU! You know, here on X-E there's been a few pop-culture icons that've really struck a chord with the readers. Cobra Commander, Pac-Man, Nien Nunb...and now we can add Marylou to the mix. I don't mean this with a hint of racial predjudice or stereotype, but there's just no other way to describe Marylou other than a big black woman. And I want you to say that with style. Marylou's the true star of the show, partly because she's so beautiful, but mostly because she's gotta be the hairest motherfucker on the planet. Jane's sticking this shit all over poor Marylou's body, from sideburns to chin and beyond.

Notice that Marylou has really fucked up eyes. She's also impervious to pain. Jane's sticking these pads on and ripping them off her entire body at a really alarming rate, and Marylou doesn't even flinch. However, while Marylou might have superhuman durability, she doesn't have superhuman intelligence. Really, what woman would want to get paid 25 bucks to end up on the VCR players of informercial watching, impulse buyers everywhere getting the hair ripped off of her most intimate places? Pretty stupid if you ask me. Hell, she might even end up on some kid's website getting publicly humiliated with absolutely no compensation at all. Marylou deserves better. Check out the sinister face Jane has on in the second pic above as she moves in for the kill...

And we're off! Marylou takes her public humilation like a true champ, but Jane does have a point: Nads does remove hair. Sadly, this little example removed much too much hair. No woman should have sideburns like Marylou. My seventeen hairy Italian uncles have less hair on their entire bodies than Marylou's got on the side of her face. She really should be studied. Or at least have action figures crafted in her honor.

Before we continue, a few hot tips from Jane...

I don't know. I know she's trying to tell us something, but it's impossible to pay attention when she's making faces like that. If we didn't know better, this would look like one of those really bad softcore porn movies they show on HBO so late that they're sure nobody's watching them. Jane stresses that we need to let the hair removal gel melt with our body heat, and that it's important to have sufficient hair length before using the product. In other words, don't use the gel on spots you don't have hair. There's just no point, and even Marylou knows it's a silly, stupid idea. Unfortunately, dear Jane's displaying some pretty brutal benign neglect here...she never once mentions that using this fucking hurts like hell.

Getting back to Marylou now, it's time for Jane to torture her (and us) by ripping the hair off of her chin. Now, I understand. Women do get hair in undesirable places. I'd just like to pretend they didn't. And even if I knew they did, I certainly don't want to watch it. And even if I wanted to watch it, I wouldn't use the world's hairiest fucking woman of all time as the example. You ever go to a national history museum and see those contrived displays of what ancient man and woman looked like? Covered in fur? Marylou is past and future present. Or more specifically, she's the first African American Yeti.

I can't believe I'm going to eat this shit.

I can't believe I'm going to eat this shit!

Jesus Christ!!!!

Anyway, it's time to get back on track. If you thought Jane was through with Marylou, think again. Her endless supply of excess hair isn't something to balk at. When you get an opportunity like this, you run with it, and that's exactly what Jane intends to do. With that, it's time to take a stab at removing the persian rug off of Marylou's arm. More importantly, it's time to get a good look at the shirt she's wearing. Marylou, you should know better than to go with those stripes and that color pattern with that figure. But I digress - Jane babbles on incoherently, but she really knows what she's doing when it comes to hair removal. By the time she's done with Marylou's arms, half of Germany will have stuffing for their mattresses.

It's Nads, and it'll rip the hair right off your body. What else could you ask for? Marylou likes it. And so should we all. But now it's time for the ultimate test. Nads claims that their product is so natural and safe - you could literally eat it. Well, I'm about to put their money where my mouth is.

If I don't die, Nads has made accurate claims. But if I do die? Well they're going to be pretty fucking red in the face, aren't they?


Alright, this isn't easy. What I'm looking at appears to be a cross between moldy Jello-O, dyed honey, shit, and alien shit. It doesn't have much of an odor, but I'd have to compare it's consistency to tar.

I need something to boost my bravery. I need to hear Stan Bush's Dare. Oh, fuck it. I'm ready. If my fate is to die, right here, right now, at least I can die knowing I've saved others the possible damnation of finding out how edible their hair removal products really were for themselves. Let's do it...

Ugh.. Aiughh... Aiughhhh...

AHHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

AUGH!

Okay, so I'm not dead. But this is the worst fucking thing I have ever tasted in my entire fucking life and so help me GOD if any of you out their are stupid enough to try this for yourselves, you deserve to be shot. Say, have you ever gone outside and started licking the sewer grates? No? Well there's a good reason for that. And there's a good reason not to fucking eat Nads. It's just...not...natural.




 


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