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Boba Fett Michaelangelo Play ... The New Kids On The Block Board Game!!!
Matt - 08/30/00

We recently talked about the Saved By The Bell board game, which appeared for sure to be the stupidest waste of time ever created. And it very well may have been...if this game didn't exist. A game so bad, it's scary. Boba Fett and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Michaelangelo found that out the hard way...let's take a look...

Boba Fett: I'm bored, what do you want to do?

Michaelangelo: Let's re-enact that scene from Sleepy Hollow where Christina Ricci is singing that crazy 'pickety witch' song. I'll make the costumes.

Boba Fett: Hmmm... Nah.

Michaelangelo: Let's get a kickball, carve windows in it, inflate it really big, and ride around in it like it was one of those spheres from American Gladiators.

Boba Fett: We did that last week. Think of something better, c'mon!

Michaelangelo: Fine, let's play the New Kids On The Block board game.

Boba Fett: Okay, but I should go first. I'm missing a hand.

Boba Fett: Shit, neither of us are strong enough to open the box!

Michaelangelo: Fuck. Well, what do we do?

Boba Fett: Isn't it obvious? We need to seek out the infinite wisdom of the Great Buddha. He'll tell us how to overcome this mighty obstacle.

Michaelangelo: Great Buddha?! Are you out of your fucking mind? I just wanted to play a board game. I'm not flying over to China or Egypt or some shit just to ask Buddha how to open the box! You're fucking insane, we don't have all day to play this!!!!

Boba Fett: Jesus Christ, will you relax? He's right behind you, moron.

Michaelangelo: Buddha, we need your help. How do we open the box to the New Kids game? We're really stuck.

Boba Fett: Yeah, what he said. Help a brotha out!

Great Buddha: First, you will need the blood of a virgin toad. Then, you must take the blood to the great sea of tranquility, which is somewhere near Dallas. In from there, a man....a very mysterious man....will grant you special potion with which you must pour over the seeds of the secret cactus gardens of France. After that - HA!! HAHAHAHAH! Oh boy, sorry kids. I was just having a little fun. Turn around, the box is already open.

Michaelangelo: This is great! I get to keep score. Finally, a use for my wonderous rock pencil!!! You ever see one of these things? There's little gemstones right inside the pencil! How about that?!

Boba Fett: Right. Listen, can you check the directions on this game? All I see are these little plastic pieces and a bunch of faggy photos. I'm not sure what they fuck we're supposed to be doing here.

Michaelangelo: Hmmm... Well, according to this, all we're supposed to do is roll around the board and collect those photos. Sounds pretty lame, but let's give it a shot. Okay Mr. Handless, you go first.

Boba Fett: What the fuck?!! So we're just supposed to go around picking up pictures of Donnie and Joey? What kind of fucking game is this?!! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Michaelangelo: What are you yelling at me for?! I didn't make the game. Just roll the fucking dice and let's get this over with.

Boba Fett: Ha, I hope you're not a sore loser, because with my magic dice-rolling abilities, I can't lose!

Boba Fett: Shit, I got the Jordan card. That can't be too good.

Michaelangelo: Hey, I never knew Jordan had braces! Well, I guess you learn something new everyday! Alright, my turn...

Michaelangelo: Haha! Right in the Joey zone! I can literally taste the victory now, Fett.


Michaelangelo: So who won?

Boba Fett: I told you this game made no sense. What the Hell is the point of collecting a bunch of New Kids On The Block pictures? What kind of game is this?

Michaelangelo: Well, look at the bright side. At least we're not arguing whether 'zo' is a word like we did with Scrabble. I guess we should just call this a tie?

Boba Fett: Haha, not quite yet. Boba Fett always carries an ace up his sleeve.

Boba Fett: I banish you to the Donnie Space!!! Choke on that, miserable turtle.

Michaelangelo:'re a wise guy. Well, two can play at this game....

Michaelangelo: I block your Donnie Space card with my Concert Pass, and banish you to the Joey Space! I'm too good for words!

Boba Fett: Alright, that's it.

Boba Fett: This is my side of the game board. Until you can play like a civilized adult, stay on your own side!

Much Later...

Michaelangelo: I knew this game was a bad idea.

Boba Fett: Just keep your ass south of the tape, mmmkay?

Michaelangelo: You know Boba, I never really liked you.

Boba Fett: Look, look! Touch, touch...I'm touching your side of the world! Hahaha!

So, as you can see, the New Kids On The Block board game isn't only stupid, pointless, and completely annoying, it also separates good friends. Stay away from it with all the power you have. After all, if any guys catch you playing it, they'll probably punch you in the stomach for it.

- Matt