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Don't Mess With Megatron!
Matt - 09/04/00


It's an important lesson, and it's one everyone's gotta learn at some point. You just don't fuck with Megatron. Decepticon commander, Autobot-killer, playa-hata, whatever you've come to know him as, Megatron remains top dog in the realm of animated villains. Unfortunately, seems like some people out there aren't heeding the warning signals, and are going against everything we've been saying by trying to fuck with Megatron. Folks, trust me...it's not worth it.

If you're thinking of trying to prove the size of your stick by taking on Megsy, please consider a few things first:

1.- You might carry a gun, but Megatron is a gun.
2.- Megatron may look 'opposable' on the show, but remember, the people standing next to him are also 20' feet tall. Don't misjudge.
3.- If you beat Megatron, the chances of his subordinates applauding you for your actions are pretty slim. A more likely scenario is them shooting you dead.

But I know mere words might not dispersuade you from trying something so stupid, so I'll give you a pictorial on why it's just not a good idea to fuck with Megatron. Today's target? The midget Autobot known as Brawn.

Brawn's not known to make many mistakes in his decisions, mainly because the bigger Autobots didn't let him do anything. Unfortunately, this led to a problem. Since all the Autobots gave Brawn lame excuses like 'you've gotta guard Teletran-1!' or 'you've gotta make sure this volcano doesn't erupt when we're gone!' to keep him away from the battlefield, Brawn always figured that he would've done great in a fight. And that's what led to his doom. The inexperienced Brawn was so sure of himself that he decided it was time to prove his worth by committing one of the dealiest sins known to man. Yes, ladies and gentleman...Brawn fucked with Megatron. Check out this scene, from Transformers: The Movie, during the segment where the Decepticons infiltrate the Autobots' ship...

Megatron: Decepticons, attack! Remember...this time around, our weapons will actually hurt them! Take no prisoners!

Prowl: If only my action figure sold a little better on the shelves...

Prowl: ....then this wouldn't have happened! Owwww...

Autobots: TIME OUT TIME OUT! Decepticons, since when did you learn how to aim?! And since when do these frigging lazers actually hurt us?!! Ouch!

Megatron: Come on out, little Brawn! I know you're hiding over there, you miserable Autobot scum...

Brawn: Hi Megatron! Tell you what, I'll 'come on out', as you put it...if you make a funny face for me. Whaddya say?

Megatron: Just get out here before I tear your mechanical body limb from limb!!!

Brawn: Say, that's pretty good! I give that funny face a '7'. Let's see if you can score an '8'. Give it one more try, Megsy!

Megatron: You'll pay dearly for this, Autobot.

Brawn: Hahahahahaha! Now that's what I call a funny face, Megatron! Kudos!

Megatron: Why you little...

Brawn: Bring it on, big man! I'm here to fuck with you!!!

Megatron: Very well! First, allow a moment for 90% of my body parts to dissapear, turning me into a gun. Hey, it makes sense. Starscream, FIRE!!!

Brawn: Oh no...oh my stars no...

Brawn: ...x-entertainment was right... i shouldn't have fucked...with megatron.

The End.

So as you can see, Brawn shouldn't have fucked with Megatron. Don't think this was a rule we made up specially for him like it was his birthday or something. It applies to everyone. Fucking with Megatron ranks right up there with sucking on exhaust pipes and watching reruns of Mama's Family on the big list of stupid ideas.

Let's face it, only an Autobot stands even the slightest chance of getting away with fucking with Megatron and ending his tyrannical reign. But it'd have to be one Hell of an Autobot. Who knows? Maybe someday, and Autobot so powerful, so dedicated, and so heroic will rise from the ranks, take control, and be the first one to successfully fuck with Megatron and end his evil, maniacal ways.

Or, maybe not.

- Matt
matt@-x-entertainment.com