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Adult Nintendo Games - Sacrifice quality...for porn!
Matt - 09/04/00

Even before the simplicity of bootlegging video games that came on a CD, the days of the original Nintendo weren't without some chicanery. Now, it wasn't easy to just create a bootleg version of a least not until emulators became a popular and legally overlooked commonplace on the internet. But people had to find something illegal to do back then, so they decided to make unlicensed Nintendo games.

'Unlicensed' can have a few meanings, but in this case I'm talking about games produced on a somewhat small scale that were available on the video game black market. You couldn't land these at Toys R'Us or Funcoland, but if you ever tried taking a shortcut home through a dark alley, chances are some guy would flash you these games hidden under his trenchcoat.

Since these games weren't 'official', their creators often took a lot of liberties in the content department. Now, Nintendo games already displayed violence and absurdity left and right, so it looked like the only outlet people could find was pornography. And it's a good thing they did, because these games would really suck if not for the naked chicks and stuff.

With that, brace yourselves for...

The ADULT Nintendo Games

Yes, perverted dads, these were for you. After little Billy went to sleep snuggling next to his My Pet Monster doll, you could run downstairs and pop one of these adult games into the NES and escape into the world of sheer, pixelated decadence. Now, the games we're going to take a look at are pretty simplistic. There's really no reason for there to be tits thrown into the mix, but let's face it. Chances are better that people will buy a shitty game with tits than just a shitty game. The same formula is used in all walks of life...popular music, movies, why not Nintendo?

Let's take a look at three of them. I'm sure there's others, unfortunately these were the only ones I could find.

Bubble Bath Babes!

Consider this game reverse Tetris with a twist. If you do well, you're not gonna just hear some strange music while a rocket blows off into space. No, in Bubble Bath Babes, your reward will be a poorly-rendered nude woman!

I actually think the game itself is pretty good. Your goal is to get four bubbles of the same color next to each other, which causes them to pop. If you do this long enough, you'll spell out the girl's name and win the round. Seems like a lot of work for a still picture of cartoon porn, but luckily the game ain't that bad.

Since the reward of a nude girl is so high up on the meter, there really wasn't much reason to make you proud of your gaming skills via text. Having the game tell you 'Good' is about the best it'll get. No, not 'You did good!' or 'Good job!'....just 'good'. Oh well. It reminds me of Dr. Mario, but I'd rather see naked girls than Mario in a lab coat anyday. Anyway, download it by clicking here, silly emulator users.

Hot Slots

Good luck with this one, I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. It took me about five minutes to get the game to start, seeing as how they repeatedly ask you to make a bet even though you don't have any money yet. I didn't quite get it, but maybe it was a warning signal to stop playing right there, since the game itself is pretty impossible.

The object of the game doesn't involve too much strategy. The more you win, the more naked some chick will become. Unfortunately, the win/lose ratio is way off balance, so by the time you actually see any skin, you'll be too old to remember why it's enticing to begin with.

This one was made in 1991, which I guess was a bad year all around. After all, that's the year Blossom and the Samurai Pizza Cats embarked on their mission to annoy the Earth. But if you're feeling lucky, extremely lucky, you can download the Hot Slots game by right-clicking here and saving it to your emulation directory.

Peek-A-Boo Poker!

Let me tell you, this 'Full House Francine' chick is a lot more than a big chest. She's got some of the best poker skills I've ever seen. I played this one for about 20 minutes, and I got absolutely no reward of nudity to show for it.

The deal here is poker. Win enough, and they'll start losing clothes. Hmmm. Seems like all of these adult games have the same plot. It'd be much cooler if you could have naked chicks jumping on turtles and breaking bricks with their fists, but then again, that wouldn't be all that demure.

Okay, I just played the game again, and I've realized the trick. If you get anything, even a pair of twos, bet as much as you can, since nobody ever has anything. Francine will raise five times with a Jack high, trust me. Really makes you wonder how much was spent putting this game together, there doesn't seem to be any indication that this is poker. You get pairs once every 20 hands, so basically you're just trying to keep your highest card. Stupid game. I know, I know...naked chicks. But still...

Download the game by clicking here.

I actually think there'd be a big market for this stuff if it was done right. The people buying video game systems nowadays are definitely not all kids. Virtually every person I know who has a Dreamcast is over 21, so why not parlay all this into some adult games? Granted, some of the games already out feature such mature content as people getting their heads ripped off, but there's room for growth. We've already got warnings on half the games saying that they're meant for people above 17, so why not add yet more gratuitous sex and violence into the mix? There should be a system solely dedicated to that. If I ever get any money, I'll finance it. We'll call it the Sintendo Entertainment System. I bet within a decade, there actually will be something like that. But until that time, we'll just have to make due with fucking Bubble Bath Babes.

- Matt