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The Masters Of The Universe Chronicles - Episode V w/ Download!!!
Matt - 09/06/00

He's Baaaaacccck!

Yes, he's returned to X-E. It's been a few weeks since He-Man has made his mighty Eternian presence felt on the site through his bad lines, conveniently-created powers, and stupid enemies, but now that our media guru & sexy philosopher, Dr. Rocket, has moved into his new place with a bunch of little girly X-E groupies who bake him cookies while massaging his ears, it's time for the fifth installment of...

The Masters Of The Universe Chronicles

Episode V: The Great Books Of Mystery (starring Batros!)

This one's definitely a keeper. Not only do we get He-Man and Skeletor displaying their stupidity to enormous degrees, we get tons of cameo appearances, and the introduction of a new villain, bookworm BATROS! Seems like everybody in this episode has the most ridiculous plans imaginable...add in the fact that it's Prince Adam's birthday, and you're in for a wild time only the citizens of Eternia could provide. Let's take a look...

* First, we get the standard He-Man intro, where He-Man reminds us that everyone's sole purpose in life is to fight Skeletor and his minions. It's not exactly the life I'd personally want for myself, but it seems to be working for them. Also, remember, for whatever reason, Prince Adam's true identity is only known to three people: The Sorceress, Orko, and Man-At-Arms. I can understand the Sorceress, but how Orko and Man-At-Arms became privy to this knowledge is totally beyond me.

* The episode opens with Orko looking for a missing book. Teela protests the entire ordeal, citing the obvious: 'books just don't dissapear'. Truer words were never spoken, but book. Orko reveals that the book is about unicorns, and he had intended to give it to Prince Adam for his birthday. In other words, this isn't just any old book. It's a very important book.

* Meanwhile, Teela goes to give Prince Adam his daily gym lesson. Hmmm. Let's face it, Adam doesn't need gym lessons. He's He-Man for Christ's sake. In previous episodes we've seen him punch rock mountains down with a flick of the wrist, not to mention use tree branches to catapult himself 40 miles. Now I ask Adam taking Teela's class just for a little extra training, or simply to watch her straggle up the gym rope? You decide.

* Uh oh...problem. Turns out Orko's book isn't the only one that's missing. All of the books in Eternia are gone! So this is the plot of the story. Missing books. No, Skeletor's not threatening to destroy the palace...Teela hasn't caught a life-threatening disease with the cure off in some distant land...just some fucking missing books. Great! This is a key scene - notice the sheer emotion pouring from King Randor over all this.

* Because the books are missing, Prince Adam morphs into He-Man and heads off to find the Sorceress. After all, this is a major, absolutely dooming problem that needs to be solved immediately. So dooming is the situation that Teela and Orko also head out to find the books. Christ!

* Here's where things start getting good. We find ourselves in a fortress in the middle of the desert. (there's a least one isolated fortress in the middle of the desert per episode) In there, not only do we see all the missing books, but we find Batros. Now, this guy's not easy to figure out. He's the only villain who shows an iota of intelligence, which is surprising because he wears a big bathead for a hat, has violet skin, and wears grey underwear. Also, his goal was to steal the books so the people of Eternia would christen him their new ruler. So either he's really smart, or a fucking idiot.

Batros: People of Eternia...I have stolen all of your books. Worship me.

See? Doesn't really work. In any event, Batros has a really lame plan, and if there's anyone who could appreciate lame plans, it's Skeletor. Watching from his mystical orb, Skeletor decides that Batros is someone he'd like to work with. Beast Man and Trap-Jaw are elected to go track him down.

* The Sorceress tells He-Man about Batros' plans. He-Man was certain that Batros only stayed on the dark side of Eternia, but hey, why would the Sorceress lie? Meanwhile, Teela and Orko arrive at Batros' fortress, otherwise known as the Temple of the Sun. They find the missing books, but Batros spots 'em and locks them in. See? He is a genius.

* Uh knew it was coming...

AMAZING SCENE ALERT: Watch the clock at the 9:10 mark. Skeletor spots He-Man walking towards Batros' fortress, and decides he needs to slow him down. How does he do it? By waving his arms around and commanding the sand to turn into a tornado. It never ceases to amaze me how Skeletor keeps all these hidden talents up his sleeve. Nevertheless, He-Man defeats the sand tornado by throwing a rock into a river and drowning it out. Yep, that's what He-Man did. I swear to God...everything He-Man does causes this completely ridiculous domino effect. If He-Man's being shot at by Tri-Klops, he'd throw a baseball into a wall, causing the wall to collapse, causing the man-eating tigers behind the now-collapsed wall to eat Tri-Klops. He can't lose! Anyway, despite He-Man successfully defeated the sandstorm, Skeletor still manages to crack up like a lunatic.

* Batros tells Teela and Orko that he'll soon be the ruler of Eternia, so I guess he still believes stealing books will turn you into royalty. In any event, Trap Jaw and Beast Man arrive to roughen up Batros and bring him back to Skeletor. Batros beats their asses, shooting lasers from his hands that turn into snakes. Mmm hmm. But it's no matter, Batros wants to see Skeletor. Beast Man leads the way while Trap Jaw deals with the snakes. After Batros leaves, the snakes turn into a rope. Pretty convenient for Teela, who uses the rope to tie up Batros. Jesus Christ this show makes no sense.

* Meanwhile, Batros and Skeletor meet up for the first time at Snake Mountain. They argue about who's going to lead the team, but after Batros' snake lasers do nothing to Skeletor besides making him laugh even more than usual, it looks like ol' skullface is going to lead this villainous team-up. The best part about this whole meeting is Skeletor and Batros both making fun of poor Beast Man. Anyway, the bad guys have a plan to take Castle Greyskull.

* The villains are about to attack Greyskull, but here comes He-Man and Battle Cat! Skeletor takes off, and He-Man disposes of Batros by literally throwing him out of camera view. I'm not kidding. He picks up Batros, throws him, the end. After the big build up Batros got as the 'villain with a brain', this was a pretty sorry way to get rid of him. Man-At-Arms tells He-Man that the books are missing again, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Skeletor had a backup plan.

* He-Man and Battle Cat go off to find Skeletor, but get trapped under a net, which Skeletor describes as being made from the 'hardest material in the universe, that also stretches'. So, Battle Cat bites right through it. You've gotta wonder if all these things discourage Skeletor. He gave this ultra-net about a two-minute plug, and Battle Cat just bites through it. Then he sets the floor on fire, but He-Man just blows it out. Out of all of the episodes I've seen, never has Skeletor had so many plots foiled so quickly.

* The books are back at the palace, and everyone has cake to celebrate Prince Adam's birthday. After that, we get today's lesson from Teela. It's a pretty simple one: read.

Key Notes:

1.- At no point in the episode does He-Man show even the slightest bit of concern over all the villains. Maybe deep down he realized what we did: a plot about stolen books just isn't all that epic.

2.- Batros might be smarter than Beast Man or Mer-Man, but so are playing cards and rocks. I can appreciate Batros being such a literary scholar, but his methods of evil sure leave a lot to be desired. If he was stealing these books because they contained the secret formula to turn He-Man into a frog, that'd be okay. But no - he stole the books essentially to impress Eternia into making him their ruler. Sorry, I'm not buying it.

3.- Due to popular demand, Man-At-Arms appears in this episode for no more than 45 seconds. Perhaps after all the hard work he had fucking up in our previous reviews, he took the day off.

Now it's your turn. Reading might be enough for Batros, but it isn't necessarily enough for you. So, click on the link below to download the episode and find out what the people of Eternia found out the hard way: books need to be protected!!!

Click Here To Go To The Download Page!

Remember, next time you're planning a party, why not spruce up the festivities by using the He-Man Cake Mold to become the Master of the Kitchen?! Imagine everyone's delight when they realize that they can actually eat the most powerful man in the universe.


- Matt

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