Are you ready? You might think you are, but in all honestly, there's no way to prepare yourself for what we're about to talk about. You know, it's like these guys in the armed forces about to go on the battle lines for the first time. They get themselves psyched up, grabbing and shaking each other's heads...but once those bullets start flying...total chaos. And it's the same thing here. You can't ready yourself for something this amazing. You can't possibly prepare yourself for...
Yes. Cool As Ice. The movie starring Vanilla Ice. The movie that's outlawed in 46 countries for being that bad. You have to understand, there's two kinds of 'funny' in this world.
2.- Guy wears a Mariah Carey t-shirt, causing everyone to laugh.
Cool As Ice would fall into the second category. It's fucking hilarious, but it's all completely unintentional. Vanilla Ice manages to accomplish what every comedian dreams of. He gets the entire audience to crack up without making a single joke. Now that's talent. So while Vanilla eventually proved that he couldn't sing and couldn't dance, this whole comedy thing seems right up his alley.
Believe it or not, this is a full-length movie. Even more surprisingly, it has an actual plot. Which means that somewhere, somebody actually scripted an entire movie knowing full well that Vanilla Ice was it's main star. With that, now I'm not sure if this is a comedy or a horror flick. Sadly, everybody involved had no idea it was either of those. They took this bullshit seriously!
Let's take a look into the world of Cool As Ice. A world where Vanilla Ice plays Johnny, essentially the same character but with a less offensive name. Somehow, he lands in suburbia. Love's in the air, and yes, there's a lot of trouble and bad outfits on the horizon.
* We kick off with what is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the longest and worst rap video sequence of all time. If you need an example of how bad it is, they got Naomi Cambell to star in it for the sole purpose of utilizing the worst lipsynching actress available. If you turn the volume off, you won't be able to tell if Naomi's singing or chewing gum. Anyway, this literally goes on for about ten full minutes, stunning and shocking us into submission. My personal belief is that they wanted to kick off with something so putrid, there's no way the actual movie would make you complain. And it works. After that, watching Corey Haim's video diary while strapped to a bed of spikes would've seemed like a babylon. Fortunately, all we have to deal with is Vanilla Ice and his band of merry rappers riding around on motorbikes.
* I knew this movie was a keeper 15 minutes in, as we were privy to what certainly is the greatest moment in cinematic history. Ice is riding his cycle down a road while some girls rides a horse aside the fence...and this is where Ice does the unthinkable. Ice jumps the fence on his motorcycle, causing the poor girl and her horse to fall down into the mud. What's better - this all happens in slow motion.
Turns out the girl's name is Kathy, and she'll be Ice's love interest for the rest of the movie. They don't appear to be a perfect match, as Kathy's dressed in virginal white linen, while Ice is dressed like an asshole. Nevertheless, it's Ice's mission to woo Kathy with charming dialogue such as this:
Kathy: So where are you from?
Even with such an obvious gentleman at her whim, Kathy remains unimpressed, so she goes home. Then we get the first of many close-ups of Ice's reflective face. You know, the face where Ice stares off into the distance while shaking his head as if to say...'word'. Also, I should mention that whenever Ice appears in camera view unexpectedly, he's accompanied with his own theme music. Greatest movie of all time? Can there be any doubt?!
* We now find Kathy at home with her family...mom, evil boyfriend, ugly brother Tommy, and her father. As if you needed more convincing that this movie deserves monuments built to it - her father is played by Michael Gross, who is more commonly referred to as 'that guy who played Alex's dad on Family Ties. It's here that we learn that not only is Kathy a looker, she's an absolute phenom. She scored a perfect 1600 on her SATs...and she can ride horses! So now we're faced with the ultimate movie cliche: can bad boy with a good heart woo the princess of virtue? Time will tell. Luckily, we learn early on that Kathy's boyfriend, Nick, is just a complete asshole.
* Ice and his cronies end up at some crazy farmer's house. The farmer and his wife talk like idiots and will end up dancing at least 40 times before the movie's over, but the important thing to note here is that they end up fucking up one of Ice's friends' bikes...so looks like da crew is gonna be stuck in suburbia for awhile. Ice again reflects on deflowering Kathy, and reads through her organizer which he sneakily stole earlier. Oh yeah, Ice doesn't call her Kathy...he calls her Kat. And if Ice can do that, so can we. She'll only be known as 'Kat' for the rest of this review.
* The plot thickens when we notice two thugs hanging around Kat's house. These guys have some past business with her father, and since they once again fit with the movie cliche that all old middle aged men who drive in long cars wearing suits are bad guys, you can bet these two jokers will cause some problems later on.
* Ice finds out that Kat and company are hanging at the local dance place, known as the Sugar Shack. There we find Kat's boyfriend acting like a dick again. We're supposed to realize this because he's drinking alcohol. Such subtleties are really what makes the movie great for me. Anyway, Ice arrives with his boyz, and they're totally not digging the lame band on stage. So Ice cuts the plug, and TAKES THE STAGE! He gets Kathy to dance, and boy, this girl can really cut a mean rug. While Ice does his dance, which mainly consists of him looking from left to right, Kathy swings her arms around as if there's a mosquito in the club. Somehow, through all this, it's a tender moment, and Kathy begins to see just why he's cool as ice.
* While Ice and Kathy enjoyed their lustful dance, Kathy's boyfriend didn't. He drags her outside and verbally berates her, even calling Kathy a 'slut', and worse, Ice a 'freak'. Listen, Ice might be colorblind, and his barber outright blind, but he's not a freak. He's obviously a misunderstood genius. I don't know how anyone can argue with that - if Ice was able to convince millions of people to buy his records with his amount of musical talent, he's gotta have some smarts. In any event, looks like Nick is out of the picture. Ice agrees to bring Kat her organizer by tomorrow.
* Ice is not only god's gift, he's a karate expert. He notices Nick and a few people fucking with one of the crew's bikes, so he decides to go into battle 5-on-1, and proceeds to kick every one of their asses. So, in case you're not following all this, Ice can really do anything. Sing, dance, woo, ride bikes, kick ass, be charming, be tough, shave his eyebrows...he can do it all. Let's face it...
* Anyway, Kat wakes up the next morning with ice in her mouth...and Ice in her bed! Hah! I'm not kidding, Ice wakes up Kathy by putting a piece of ice in her mouth. Catch the symbolism there? Ice/Ice? Direct enough for you? Cool. Ice returns the organizer, and after a few awkward moments of Ice simply staring at Kat's chest, we get the greatest line ever spoken:
Kat: Well, I'll see you later.
Yup yup. Then the two kids get fresh. Kathy begins to get changed right in front of Ice, but before she can reveal what color bra she's wearing, her little brother Tommy interrupts the sexfest. So it looks like the nookie'll have to come a bit later. Ice and Kat drive off on his bike, and what better place to head off to than some abandoned construction site?
* This is where we get our first glimpse at the sensitive side of Vanilla Ice. No, not the macho, flourecent-pants wearing side...the sensitive side. We get a ten minute sequence of Ice and Kat chasing each other around a half-built house. This mainly consists of them running towards the camera in slow-motion making flirty faces.
They talk about where they're from and where they're going. Ice states that it don't matter where he's from - only thing dat matters is where he's at. Isn't that Tao? Anyway, somehow, Ice goes shirtless, and they start kissing a lot. So I guess this little passion has bloomed into love.
* Ice drops Kat off home, and they start kissing at the doorstep. Now, while watching the movie, I jotted down some notes to remind me of what I wanted to talk about while writing the review. Here is the exact excerpt from this scene:
he tHINKS VANILLA IS ONE OF THE BAD GUYS
WEARING PINSTRIPE SHORTS
Yes, Daddy catches his little girl kissing Ice. Since he's paranoid about the bad guys, he doesn't trust Ice one bit. The plot thickens! And as my notes suggested, yes, Ice is wearing pinstripe shorts with pinstripe suspenders hanging off them. I seriously doubt many fathers would trust this guy with their daughter even under normal circumstances, but given that Daddy knows bad guys are around, Ice really isn't in that well with the fam.
* Dad explains what's going on to Kathy. Apparently, they've all been living a lie under fake names and shit because these bad guys feel Dad owes them 500 thousand dollars.
* And Ice is pissed about it! He has yet another reflective moment, only this time he's on top of a red leather couch that for some reason is out on the front of someone's front lawn. Right. Tommy shows up and asks Ice to take him on a bike ride. The little tyke even cut his hair to match Ice's. After the ride, Ice drops Tommy back home, and throws the ring Kat gave him into her fishbowl before leaving. Such dramatics!
* The bad guys come into the house and kidnap Tommy. Thank God, that fucking kid was annoying. You'll hope they murder him in cold blood, but I should remind you now - the movie's rated PG. At best, they might slap him once or twice, but even then it'll be subdued. Oh well.
* Ice decides to give talking to Kathy one last try, so he goes to the house. He notices an envelope laying on the front porch, so while Daddy won't let her come out to play, he will take the envelope. In it is a tape the kidnappers made Tommy record stating that he won't ever come back unless the 500K is delivered by tomorrow. What's worse - since Ice dropped it off, now Dad is convinced he's part of the evil plot.
* Kat still refuses to believe it, and runs off with the tape to tell Ice what's going on. Ice listens, and using his super sleuth skills, recognizes a noise in the background as the same noise one of the construction trucks made while he and Kat were kissing! They know where the bad guys are! Ice, Ice, BABY!
* They go to the site on their bikes, and break through the wall to save the day! After kicking the bad guys' asses and saving Tommy from the doom that is being taped up, they return home as heroes - even Kat's dad gives Ice a big thanks. Ice and Kat ride off into the sunset, all is well, the end.
The effects this movie had on me are phenomenal. With one foul swoop, Vanilla Ice has replaced Corey Haim as my favorite bad 80s/90s actor. The entire flick is bad line after bad line, for a full hour or more of sheer torture. The worst part is, I actually liked the movie. This flick's a tragedy, and you know what they say: tragedy plus time equals comedy.
Meanwhile, today, Vanilla Ice had dropped the 'Vanilla' from his name and gone hardcore. I guess that's what happens when the entire world comes to a simultaneous realization that you absolutely suck. It's pretty hard not to at least flip out a little after that. Still, based on this movie alone, I think I've etched a place right here for ol' Vanilla. Sure, it's true that I'd rather eat his records than listen to them, but when it comes to turning a horrible movie into a movie so horrible it's worth watching, there's only one white rappa for the job. Ice is #1!
If Vanilla Ice's acting doesn't do it for you, click here to hear a special rap from the movie! (MP3, 5 MB)
And a big thanks to X-E reader Justin Sevakis for sending in this great flick!