In my ongoing quest to figure out exactly what is on all of those VHS cassettes I have that are unmarked, I came across a real gem. I'm sure all of you have been in this position before...I must have at least 150 unmarked tapes, and their content ranges from great to absolutely laughable. The one I found tonight somehow managed to be both. This takes us back over a full decade, to a time when your humble host may have been obsessed with toys - but he had no idea that he'd be writing about 'em for a living. Yes, I found the video of my birthday party, circa 1987. It was announced as the 'event to end all events' to my comrades at school, but in all honesty, it was simply a chance for people to go to my house and make a really big mess for the afternoon. So let's take a look. This is what a kid's birthday party was like in the 80s. Kids' birthday parties back in the 80s sucked. Before we begin, it's important to first introduce you to a child prodigy who's phenomenal abilities to predict the future will shock and astound you:  Yes, Jake. Jake was famous for a number of reasons back in elementary school. Actually, just two. The first being the fact that the poor kid used to shit his pants all the way up till the fourth grade. As if us kids weren't spooked out enough from that, he could also predict the future. I'm not kidding. Throughout the article you'll see Jake's wild and zany 1987 predictions, and we'll provide the proof to show you just how on the mark the kid truly was. But now, let's see what went on at my b-day party. It was a pretty standard procedure. I picked a handful of kids from class that I felt I could stomach for one afternoon, and they all came over straight from school to what had to be the worst party atmosphere in birthday history. Essentially, my mother had blown up a few balloons and randomly placed them in the living room. Other than that, the festivities were left up to us. I didn't particularly give a shit...all I wanted was presents. Presents and prestiege. Seeing as how it was my birthday, I got both in abundance.  It's hard to tell whether this was just poor planning on my mother's part, or an extremely sick joke. Yes, while kids nowadays get parties at 5 star restaurants and get cars for their birthdays, I got a party in my living room complete with a game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Or in this case, Pin The Tail On The Clown. But this wasn't any normal version of the game...this was Mom's special version. It's hard enough to pin the tail on the clown blindfolded, but it's damn near impossible when said clown is behind a fucking sofa. Instead of doing the obvious...moving the poster to a clear spot, Mom just blindfolded us and hoped for the best. And maybe she was onto something, as us kids thoroughly enjoyed watching our classmates get nailed in the groin by the edge of the seat time and time again.  That's me watching television. First, notice how much of a mess everyone had made the house into in under 15 minutes. Second, notice that I appear to be wearing nylon pants. Most importantly, notice the present sitting in the middle of the floor...yes folks, that's one of the greatest toys ever created - Trypticon from the Transformers! A dinosaur who could walk, make noise, and transform into the Decepticon city! Hoojah!  This was one of my favorite toys of all time, and definitely one of the longest lasting. I managed to break the electronics and one of the legs pretty quickly, but he survived a number of years. I think I eventually traded him over the internet for a vintage Jabba The Hutt character shampoo, and I fucking regret it. Trypticon rocked. He was virtually the only Decepticon that could match up to the Autobots' Metroplex, but besides all that, he was a t-rex. He came with this neat little Transformers poster that glew in the dark, and that was about the only way to get my pansy self to go anywhere near a room that wasn't illuminated to a blinding degree. Oh well, it's time for Jake's first astounding prediction.  Jake: I have gazed into the crystal ball of Hell, and so...before I stuff my fat ass with more of Matt's hard-earned pretzels...let me wet your psychic appetites with this: I predict that within 20 years, an MTV veejay will be fired after it's revealed that they had a past in the porn industry. Status -- True. Jake might not be much on the eyes, but he's got e.s.p. coming out his ears. Mid-90s MTV VJ, Simon Rex, was fired after word hit the papers that his sordid past includes a long stint shooting adult movies...   Say it ain't so, Simon. Now he stars on Jack & Jill on the WB Network, so don't you worry - his career is more than safe. That network can't afford to lose anybody. And as for Jake, he's 1 and 0. Back to the party...  No children's birthday party would be complete without a totally awkward kid who has no right engaging in a social activity. In this case, we had John. John was out of place on many fronts. The fact that he was shy and didn't speak was bad enough it itself, but when you add in the fact that his mother had for some reason equated a birthday party at my house to a grand ballroom gala and forced him to wear a suit, you had one poor excuse for a party animal. He spent most of the party sitting in that rocking chair, hopelessly praying that an anvil would fall on his head to put him out of his misery.   Now this is interesting. I love nostalgia. Sure, we watching television. But under closer inspection, see what we're watching? Yes, it's the KING himself...Cobra Commander! This is back during G.I. Joe's original run on television...back then you didn't have to buy dubbed videos off the net to get your Joe fix. I miss the good old days. I'm pretty sure this was the episode where Cobra Commander decided the best way to beat the Joes was to kidnap a scientist and have him create a special formula that, when drinken, would make all the Joes think they were bad guys. As we've said many times before, it would've been a hundred times easy for Cobra to go the traditional route - simply shoot everyone with the gazillion missles they had attached to everything they owned...but where's the fun in that? G.I. Joe ruled. Also, notice that somehow, a fucking snow boot is in the middle of my living room. I told you we made a mess.  Leave it to my mother to fuck up! This video is about 25 minutes long. 17 of those minutes can be attributed to her leaving the camera on while it's shooting nothing but a bottle of dishwasher soap. Out of everything on this tape, this is the memory I'll hold most dear. The memory that my sweet, dear mother was always scatterbrained. It's not a new thing. Uh oh, Jake's coming back...  Jake: Nobody at this party likes me. Take my advice, kids...don't shit your pants in school. But speaking of shitting your pants, you'll shit yours after you hear my next prediction: by the year 2000, it'll be very clear that George Lucas uses aliens to promote his own ideas of racial stereotypes. That wanker. Status -- True!  In Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the evil Trade Federation block the planet Naboo's trade routes and threaten their entire existence. More specifically, they're quite obviously Japanese. So, either George Lucas is a victim of coincidence, or he's making a bold political statement through the use of computer-generated CGI characters. We'll go with the latter just to make Jake happy. Now he's 2 and 0! Go Jake!   There's my cake. And while that didn't excite me while viewing the tape - getting a look at the old Pepsi bottle sure did! I'm so fucking lame. I can't tell you how happy I was to find out that I've captured the old Pepsi bottle on film. It made my week worthwhile. In the second pic you'll see the party's spectacular theme - Transformers! I'm sure you're shocked. Yes, we had Transformers party plates and Transformers party hats! I can't tell you how proud I was to have these at my party. As if that wasn't enough, notice the G.I. Joe napkins! In a way, seeing this kinda sickens me. My entire life has been engulfed in this shit. I like to pretend that it's something I've just fallen into in recent times, but christ...while everyone was off going to proms and hanging around clubs and doing normal stuff, I was sitting at home switching the arms on all my He-Man figures. My memoirs will be terrific. '1980-1981: played with toys. 1981-1982: played with toys.' Bah.  If you're thinking that it's cool that I had the awesome Inhumanoids Tendril figure, you're half right. I had the figure about two months before this on Christmas Eve, until my evil aunt got mad at me, threw it, and broke it into five pieces. No, this Tendril is one that my friend brought over to torture me with. Half the fun in owning a toy as a kid is being able to flaunt it, and seeing as how I no longer had Tendril, I was more than a little jealous that someone else did. Here you'll find me desperately trying to break his - but to no avail. Seems like I got the shitty Tendril, and he got the super-durable version. In any event, this ranks as one of my favorite action figures of all time. Inhumanoids was definitely a short-lived toyline and cartoon series, but they dished out some great stuff.   My mother had the bright idea to let the kids tell jokes on video. It would've worked if the rest of the kids could resist the impossible - trying to pop balloons on everyone else's heads. This kid, Billy, is shown here trying to tell some reall bad joke, and the only reason he got a laugh out of me because he was absolutely unflinching in this ten-minute attempt to reach the punchline while everyone else punched balloons off his head. Sadly, this kind of entertainment was the basis for such shows as Growing Pains and The Wayans Bros., so my little 8th birthday party really set the standard for bad television.  The candles are out, this party's over. I feel kinda jipped. Mom didn't even hire a clown for me. All I got was balloons and some chips. Later in life I'd make her pay for it by sticking 'kick me' signs on her back before she went grocery shopping, so I guess we're even. I'm sure most of you have had birthday parties like this. You know, lame birthday parties. I'm not sure if I can even get away calling this a 'party', but I seem to remember it fondly. After all, Jake was there. And speaking of Jake, let's check in with him one last time...  Jake: In the 90s, Nintendo will make a game so fucking freaky that nobody on Earth will possibly be able to comprehend it - even after playing it 200 times. Status -- TRUE.   Rainbow Islands, Nintendo's sequel to Bubble Bobble, is certainly the game Jake's referring to. You want to talk about a weird game - in this one, your only goal is to apparently climb as far up as you can while avoiding little tanks and bugs. If you can't avoid them outright, you have the option of shooting them with rainbows that fly out of your torso. As if that's not enough, there's ice cream bars and french fries littered across the stages that you can pick up - but don't worry, they don't affect your power or score in any way. They're just kinda there. Like that kid John from above, sitting on the rocking chair. Anyway, emulator boys and girls, download and play it by clicking here. Sadly, next time my birthday comes around, I'll want the exact same presents I got on this one. :/ - Matt
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