Hollywood Gossip

Big-screen actress Julia Roberts, who stars in the box-office smash Erin Brokovich, has found herself in severe legal trouble. Roberts is being sued by her dentist for tools he lost in her gaping mouth. During a routine exam, Dr. Jerome Diggs claims he lost nearly $20,000 worth of dental equipment when several times Julia's enormous lower lip brushed his elbow causing him to drop the tools into her mouth. "Neither myself nor any of my assistants could find them and Ms. Roberts refused when we wanted to use a metal detector," said Dr. Diggs. The doctor claimed that the square footage to be searched was too great to cover with traditional methods.

Roberts was quick to respond in an interview: "I am in no way responsible for the loss of any goddamn dental 'tools'. All I know is he had at least three or four assistants working on my mouth just to save time. Given this negligence, tools are bound to be lost. I knew I should have never let a nigg-r to operate on me." Julia Roberts appeared to be visibly upset and disturbed that her recent film success may be overshadowed by the legal case and blamed her assistant for booking an ill-advised appointment with Mr. Diggs.

Mr Diggs responded by releasing a formal statement claiming the government should require a "warning stick" to be placed in "the bitch's mouth". He also claimed such warnings would have protected the actress from lawsuits such as this one. Placement of guard rails were also suggested.

Actors working with Ms. Roberts have stepped forward not in Robert's defense, but to encourage Jerome Diggs' case. Mel Gibson, Robert's costar in the film Conspiracy Theory, said that he could understand the dentist's suit. Gibson went on to claim, "While filming I lost a couple of watches and a carton of cigarettes in there. Dental tools are not cheap."

Many actors apparently fear they may share the same fate as Kiefer Sutherland, who disappeared while doing a kissing scene with Ms. Roberts in late 1991. No trace of the actor has been uncovered.

Several hollywood sources also blame Julia Robert's mouth for the disappearance of Macaulay Culkin, Soundgarden, and Richard Gere's mojo.

Hollywood Gossip

Chin's Chinese Restaurant had to close its doors and shutter its windows Friday because of sheer financial hardship caused by a single patron. That patron, former television sitcom star Roseanne, chowed down enough food to break the previously thriving restaurant and eliminate the jobs of 12 workers.

Tuesday night, the enormous white woman rolled into town with her new love interest Martin Short. Apparently Roseanne had been traveling in the back of a semi-truck driven by Short for several hours. By the time they reached Cape Cod she was starving for a meal, and Mr. Short found what they were looking for.

Chin's All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet, located near the Halibut Civic Center, had been in the Chin family for three generations and served speciality sea food along with traditional chinese dishes. It was upon Chin's, singled out for the feeding frenzy, that Roseanne descended. The obese celebrity squeezed her way through the double doors and demanded to be served immediately, screaming at the staff.

"She took a whole table to herself and used two chairs, one for each buttock," claimed a shaken up worker, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of the woman. Roseanne began slamming her table, shaking the establishment until the intimidated owner Mr.Chin ordered several staff members to commence feeding her.

Roseanne then proceeded to consume vast quantities of the buffet food. She put away 56 pounds of curried shrimp, 196 pounds of Pork Lo Mein, 921 fortune cookies, 782 servings of Moo Goo Gai Pan, and various appetizers and deserts. When she was done, the staff lay around the table exhausted from the work. Roseanne then rolled out from under her table and began screaming expletives at a frightened Mr. Chin. After she had finally squeezed out the emergency back doors Mr. Chin realized one of his daughters that staffed the restaurant was nowhere to be seen. She is still missing.

A distraught cook made the following comments: "She fat like this!" *holding his arms out wide* "And ha woice it like wammer in my wead! WANG WANG!" Upon further questioning he simply whispered: "Her wyes... wewy wewy ewil weast."