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Sgt. Slaughter Joins The Ranks Of G.I. Joe!!!
Matt - 09/14/00

Looks like today can officially be christened 'Bad 80s Toy Commercials Day' here on X-E. I absolutely love this stuff. Well, we've covered Thundercats and have seen how chunky kids portraying Mumm-Ra never come out on top, now it's time to up the ante with possible the greatest G.I. Joe commercial of all time!

G.I. Joe really gave us a ton of stuff. Cartoons, a movie, underoos, and more toys than you could ever imagine possible. From the 60s to today, there have been more action figures brandished with the G.I. Joe logo than I could even begin to count. But no figure was met with such controversy as the one featured in the commercial we're about to review.

Like the Thundercats commercial from the previous article, this one also features some pretty strange little kids making faces that indicate an obvious mental deficiency. When you add in the fact that it stars the only celebrity who'll wash your windows for a buck fifty, you've really got one HELL of a commercial on your hands.

Worst part is, I bought the toy as a result of seeing this. So me making fun of it now is either a twist of irony, or an everlasting testament to how stupid I truly am. Let's review...

At the start of the commercial, Cobra is already up to it's dirty tricks. Flint spots some Cobra soldiers causing trouble down below, and is pretty fucking upset about it! These Cobra guys were absolutely omnipresent. The Joes could walk into a supermarket and find the world's leading terrorist organization roughing up the guy stocking the produce department. They covered all the bases. Flint was a high-ranking officer, but he never saw much action on the show. It seemed like his job was to point out that Cobra was up to something, while the far more colorful characters spewed catch phrases and punched the bad guys in the gut. And I guess that carried over into this commercial, since Flint notices a Joe on the field...takin' care of bidness!

Down below, we see a mysterious new G.I. Joe soldier absolutely kicking the shit out of my beloved Battle Android Troopers. These robots might be from top of the line Cobra assault team, but even six dozen of them don't stand a chance against this new hero to the masses. But who is this enigmatic star of the show? With his magnificently muscular body, superb fighting skills, and killer shades, who could this phenom possibly be based on???

A fat, balding, pro-wrestler!!!

Yes, it's Sgt. Slaughter!!! When he's not off defending the United States' pride from the evils of The Iron Shiek and Giant Gonzales in the World Wrestling Federation, he's a true blue G.I. Joe!

See, this was back in the days before Hulk Hogan had turned into a walking joke by starring in such movies as Mr. Nanny and announcing bogus runs for presidency. If they wanted a nationalistic wrestler to endorse their product (and who wouldn't?) had to be the Sarge.

So he was a cartoon on G.I. Joe. That meant their had to be an accompanying action figure, correct? Well, getting the Sgt. Slaughter G.I. Joe figure wasn't that simple. You couldn't just throw a tantrum in the mall and end up with it and a lollipop. You had to work for it. You had to get...the tickets.

Yes...the tickets. Here we find that kid from Silver Spoons and one of the many musical talents of Menudo aghast over their find - with those ever-elusive tickets, they wouldn't have to just settle on watching the Sarge kick Cobra's ass on television. Now they could get the action figure and act in our right in the middle of their own living room! Of course, all they'd need were some proofs-of-purchase, but that's a small price to pay for eight points of articulated glory!

Notice how the blonde kid is hoarding the tickets away from a young Ricky Martin. Seems like he wants two Sgt. Slaughter figures all for himself. Hey, if my best friend looked that droopy, I'd probably try to rip him off too.

Wait, it gets better. Not only could you watch the Sarge wrestle, fight Cobra baddies, and play with his action figure, you could call a hotline to hear his angelic voice! Now, I know not everyone reading this is too familiar with what the Sarge sounds like, so I'll explain it to you. Cover a golf ball with lemon juice, put it in your mouth, and try talking. Instant Sgt. Slaughter impression.

Again, blonde boy is trying to keep his dimwitted friend away from the action by holding the phone away from him. I wish my friends were that stupid when I was 8. Oh wait...they were. In any event, they both seem to be taking this whole deal lightly. 'Oh, we got the tickets. We'll get our Sgt. Slaughter figures.' They'd be wise to take matters a little more seriously. Why? Well...

The offer expires on January 31st, 1987! If these kids even think they have a shot of landing a Sgt. Slaughter figure in 1988, they're even dumber than this commercial suggests.

The Sarge knows this is serious stuff - look at the expression on his face. He's not asking, he's not telling...he's pleading with you to get those tickets and proofs-of-purchase in as soon as possible. After all, there's no greater dissapointment in this life than missing out on the chance to get the only version of Sgt. Slaughter that's actually in shape.

Back to the action figure for a moment... As you can see, this isn't your normal G.I. Joe warrior. Sgt. Slaughter is really all you need to defeat Cobra. Parents, take note - this commercial was a great way to save on cash. If you're kids complained that they didn't have enough good guys, you could just refer them to this commercial. Sgt. Slaughter is all the heroic acts one toy collection really needs.

Here we find him battling numerous nameless Cobra soldiers, and even lifting the infamous Dr. Mindbender over his head! The Joes should really invest in more pro-wrestlers. They seem to work wonders. You don't see Duke or Lady Jaye lifting the bad guys over their head, do you? Nope, just...the Sarge.

Little fools. Go, enjoy yourself with your silly Sgt. Slaughter phone call. Little do these two know that hearing Slaughter's voice will cost their parents fifty cents and themselves a lot of punishment time.

I like how they stuck that little 50 cent notice in. It's almost subliminal. Jeez, and what's 50 cents by today's standards? Hell, it's gotta be around 200 bucks. These kids are spending 200 dollars of their parents hard-earned cash just to hear Sgt. Slaughter slobber into the phone about how he wears green as a show of support to his country and because it's simply a slimming color.

And remember, this whole shibang is void where prohibited. You've really got to wonder how many third world countries have added the highly-scrutinized 'No Sgt. Slaughter Promos' clause into their declarations of independence.

All in all, this commercial commemorates the 13th anniversary of Sgt. Slaughter's immortalization into a G.I. Joe figure, and for that, we salute it. Even if it stars the moronic pro-wrestler and even more moronic children from Hell...

George: Yo Tommy I keep talkin' into this phone thing but Sarge don't seem to hear a word I say! What is up with that Tommy?

Tommy: Try talking into the other side of the phone George, try that George!

George: Noooo Tommy I can't, it's up to the part where Sarge tells me to use an American flag instead of a towel after bathtime! Tommy this is sooo cool!

Yoooo Joe!

- Matt

PS - ever wonder what Banger is up to today? Want to know what expletives Ra7thsign is employing lately? Interested in seeing how many ways FunkyChuck can fuck up old X-E posts? It's all happening on our forum...soon to be changed to UBB format!