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Jem and the Holograms - Truly Outrageous!
Matt - 09/14/00

Continuing on with X-E's Commercialfest 2000, here's our grand finale for the night. There's more to come in the near future, but I'm saving my energy for later this evening, when we unleash the most important tv sitcom episode download of all time onto the world.

But for now, let's talk about Jem & The Holograms.

Girls and glam were all the rage back in the late 80s (yeah, only in the late 80s) ...and Jem and the Holograms were there to provide us with more than our fair share of all the fashions and strange lingo of a decade since past. What little girl didn't want to grow up to be just like the princess of rock, Jem? What little boy didn't want to grow up to be Rio, Jerrica's boyfriend and Jem's stage manager. Poor Rio...he's in love with both and doesn't have the brains to figure out they're the same person. Rio also had to compete for Jem's affections against Riot, the lead-singer of the Stingers who managed to look twice as effeminine as me and the entire cast of the Holograms combined.

The Jem and the Holograms music group was owned by Starlight Music, a black sheep in the music industry due to their actual caring about causes such as charity and housing foster children. Constantly on top of the charts, their only real rivals were the evil rock group, The Misfits. Pizzazz, who has pea-green hair and army camoflauge paint on her cheeks, leads the group and will even break the rules to get on top.

When Jerrica uses Synergy, a girl somehow connected to the star earrings she wears, she'll turn into Jem, grrl-rockin'-kinderwhore era-supreme pop star who's here to save the day!

Now that we've gotten acquainted with the show, let's talk about the toys. After all, this is Commercialfest 2000, and commercials don't advertise things you don't have to spend money on. And even when they do, they're usually so boring that you tune them out like the singing of the national anthem before a boxing match.

The commercial we're going to take a look at is by far the strangest of the three we're reviewing today. It plays up on every girl's wildest dream - hanging out with Jem! I wish these dolls were still around today. Then punk chicks wouldn't have to mutilate their Barbies before attaching them to their schoolbags. Let's take a look...

Little Kate is busy doing her boring homework, when lo and behold, a mysterious cartoon character with wild earrings appears on her television set! This is just what Kate needed to get a little excitement in her barren life. Wearing the Hawaiian shirt seemed like it'd spice things up, but let's face it, it takes two to tango.

Notice Kate's look of absolute shock when Jem appears on the tv. Somewhere, off in the distance, you can practically hear the director yell 'Kate, drop your jaw! Drop your jaw!' It's no wonder she received the academy award for this one.

Yes folks, in case you weren't sure if that was Jem, Teela, or Max Headroom, the nifty Jem logo will clear things up.

Here's where the fun begins. Since Jem was able to turn on Kate's television by herself, we already know she's got some magic powers. But this really ups the ante. I ask Jem a musician...or a magician? The lines get blurred after she eerily teleports Kate from her boring bedroom to the world of decadence and opulence previously available only to Jem and her freaky Hologram friends.

So Kate's stuck in a tough love/hate position here. Should she be happy about meeting Jem? Or upset about being 10" tall? Sure, she might be a star now, but is being the kingfish in a small pond really something to aim for? Luckily, Kate's too young to ponder such mysteries of the universe. She just wants to hang around with the Holograms and sing into microphones and buy pink bracelets and stuff.

Ultimately, Kate's in her dreamworld now. She's one of the Holograms!

It's a world of glamour and prestiege and action figures that grace the covers of fictitious magazines. Notice Jem's uninterested face on the cover. It's like she's saying... 'Oh...another magazine shoot?' These celebrities take everything for granted.

Kate's living it up, getting photographed, and basically indulging herself in a world no mortal girl was ever meant to be a part of. You've really got to wonder how many little girls out there started doing their homework in front of turned-off television sets after watching this commercial. If I thought there was even the slightest chance Jem was going to save me from the perils of arithmetic and transport me to the bright lights of Las Vegas, I'd be sitting in front of the tv with my textbook every hour on the hour.

In case Jem dolls were a little too raunchy for your tastes, you could always get the Business Jerrica doll. Shown here pictured on the cover of Busine$$ Journal, Jerrica's corporate know-how is really the driving force behind the band's success.

Jeez, how many times do you think Jerrica almost let it slip to Rio that she was Jem? And do you think she was jealous that Rio had a thing for her? This whole love triangle with two people is really tough to comprehend. I love you, you love me, I love you. Something doesn't fit right. And by the time you start confusing Rio from Jem with Rio from Duran Duran, your head will be about ready to explode.

Were the rest of the Holograms jealous that Jem got all the attention? It's possible. Even after dyeing their hair blue...nothing. Jem got all the magazine covers, autograph requests, sex pleas...all the Holograms got were outfits made out of tin foil. But hey, at least they got a good band name. How do you think the rest of Hootie and the Blowfish feel? Everyone calls them blowfish! And what's worse - the lead singer doesn't even refer to himself as 'Hootie'! So while they may have got shafted in the promotions department, I'd rather be called a hologram than a blowfish any day of the week.

Uh's The Misfits! If you thought the Holograms had an alternative look, take a look at these three beauties. The one on the left looks like Betty White on crack. But I guess they had to look this way to avoid any comparisons to that other Misfits group. You know, the Dracula ones. A lot of boys preferred the Misfits over the Holograms because their outfits were slightly skimpier. I prefer them over the Holograms because I can appreciate the difficulty of achieving the elusive lime green hair color. No matter which side you're on, this show has more punk rocker girls than even the most cliched MTV video could dish out. And none of these girls had venereal diseases. Advantage: Jem.

Now Kate's back at home, completely and totally altered after her experience in Jem World. Who needs homework when you've got record albums and sunglasses? Also, notice that, unlike the previous flaccid version of Kate, this new and improved Kate is wearing hot red lipstick! Jem really knows how to turn a girl from weed to flower in 30 seconds flat. Unfortunately, she couldn't get Kate to ditch the lame Hawaiian shirt, but nobody's perfect. At least she's on the right track now.

And there you have it. A wild adventure with the truly outrageous Jem and the Holograms. I really miss shows like this. I'm surprised with all the recent popularity of little girlie singers and boy bands, we haven't gotten any music/acid-induced cartoons. Jem was truly one of a kind.

And oh yeah, you have to hear the accompanying audio to the commercial. Click here to do that! Besides the obvious upbeat music and hard-selling, you've gotta hear the ridiculous song sung by the Misfits. They sound like fucking Jawas.

So ends Commercialfest 2000!

- Matt