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Can Skeletor Cope With Losing His Shirt....Before It's Too Late?
Matt - 09/25/00


Skeletor might be one of the best villains ever, but he's got a severe flaw: he just doesn't know how to let things go. He never forgave He-Man for swaying Fisto to the forces of good, and as we're about to see...he never forgave the world for the loss of his clothes. How will all of this end up for Skelly? We'll just have to wait and find out...

Skeletor: Amazing! Here I am, Skeletor, ruler of Snake Mountain, true heir to the Eternian throne, and overall badass with a creepy, scary skull for a face. I've conquered countless civilizations, destroyed entire planets...hell, I'm the one responsible for keeping Designing Women on the air in reruns. I'm evil. But who's going to take me seriously when I can't find my fucking clothes?!!

Skeletor: Have either of you seen my clothes?

Whiplash: You mean like, ever? Because...well shit, if we're talking forever, I've seen them literally thousands of times. Boss, I see the frigging things in my sleep. It's nuts.

Skeletor: Whiplash, the second I find my clothes, I'm going to cut you with every remotely sharp object I can find, on only your most private of parts. Trap Jaw, how bout you? Seen the clothes??

Trap Jaw: I haven't seen 'em for awhile now...why don't you check in with some of your enemies? I know it seems like a lame plot...'stealing Skeletor's clothes to get the better of him'...but when you think about it and compare, we once tried to conquer Eternia by stealing all the books in their library. Go check around...

Later....

Skeletor: So, we meet again. Only this time, you have the advantage.

Darkseid: Skel, don't let this pose fool you. I may look like I'm just standing out here with no real reason, but believe me, I'm much too busy for this.

Skeletor: Just give me back my clothes and I'll go home!

Darkseid: ::sighs:: Skeletor, you see this giant claw weapon on my hand? Looks pretty cool, huh? Well let me tell you something...the fucker doesn't come off. Thing weighs at least 400 pounds and I'm stuck with it even if I'm taking a shit. In case you're missing the point of all this, I'm not exactly Christmas cheer right now. I strongly suggest you don't piss me off.

Skeletor: CLOTHES!!!

Much Later....

Trap Jaw: So why'd I have to give you my arm again?

Skeletor: Darkseid ripped mine off. Anyway, I still can't understand how a vest, a sword, and all my other shit just dissapeared off the face of the earth. It's a total mystery. Gimme Robert Stack's phone number.

Soundwave: That won't be necessary.

Soundwave: Skeletor, heed my warning. Accept your new lot in life...you are shirtless, yes...but no less of a villain. Should you seek to escape your fate as Mattel's only nudist blue-skinned skull-faced pile of monstrous wonderment, disaster will follow.

Skeletor: Sorry bro, my translator doesn't speak 'bullshit'. Try that one again.

Soundwave: Come to terms with the loss of your shirt and sword. Embrace the change. Accept who you are, Skeletor, or the doom that awaits you shant be pretty. Shant be pretty even a little wittle bit, Skeletor.


Skeletor's undaunted by Soundwave's warnings and by the mounting frustration one feels when they've got to run around in public wearing nothing but sexy black underwear, so now he seeks out Otho, the town's greatest philosopher. He also played that fat guy in Beetlejuice...

Otho: I could go back to McDonald's and complain that this Quarter Pounder with Cheese didn't come with cheese, that the bun is soggy, or that the meat's made primarily of earthworms. But then I remember...I ordered a fucking salad. God damned fast food drive-thru windows...scourge of the society, they are!

Skeletor: Otho! I've come in search of help. My clothes are missing.

Otho: Oh Skeletor, how many times must I go through this? Ever since I've started researching what makes us toys tick, I've been boggled down daily with surprise 'visits' from insolents like you, looking for answers. Well Skeletor, there are no answers. What's happened to your shirt is merely yet another Mystical Toy Mystery Of The Universe. What do you think?

Skeletor: Y'all gonna make me ACT DA FOOL! Up in he'ah! Up in he'ah!

Otho: Yeah, I figured you wouldn't understand. Here, I'll show you an example...

Skeletor: Well, what are we doing here?

Otho: See these two seemingly identical creatures? They're called Tauntauns...a native of the Hoth system and a favorite among those dirty rebels to use as beasts of burden while avoiding any potential contact with the graceful Imperial fleet.

Skeletor: So you're saying these guys stole my clothes?

Otho: Will you just pay attention? Take a closer look...

Otho: As you can see, one of the Tauntaun toys was marketed with a regular, normal belly. Look closely, it's rather pedestrian. But the second one was marketed with special split belly action. Remember how Han sliced open one of these things in The Empire Strikes Back so he could warm Luke up? That's the special effect here. It didn't take long for kids to start realizing they were playing with a Tauntaun who was already dead, even in the fantasy world of action figures. No one's quite sure why something like this was ever made, but hey, it's just another...Mystical Toy Mystery Of The Universe!!!


Sometime Later...

Trap Jaw: So, did you find the answers you were looking for?

Skeletor: Not really...

Skeletor: Otho kept trying to impress me by using big words like 'pedestrian' and 'piston honda', so I ripped his head off. I stole one of his animals, too. And I'm pretty sure I left his headless corpse ablaze, but it gets pretty hard to keep track of all this shit.

Skeletor: However, on the way home, I kidnapped Orko. He's agreed to magically transform me from this sad sack of shirtless crap you see in front of you to a fully clothed physical monster. Soon, all of Eternia's secrets will be mine!

Whiplash: Make sure you do a good job on the boss, or we'll eat you.

Skeletor: Now Orko, remember what we discussed. I want no part of my body uncovered...I'd like to be a little taller, and I want people to tremble at the mere sight of me. Can you handle it?

Orko: No problem! Now just sit back, relax...this'll only take a few minutes.

With that, Orko runs off some mystic Eternian spells, and Skeletor begins....his amazing transformation!!!

Hmmm....

Skeletor: Soooo...how do I look?!

Trap Jaw: Boss...well...hmm...

Skeletor: Impressed? I'm not surprised. With this new body, I shall inspire fear in all! Whiplash, what do you think?

Whiplash: CLOCK ON THE STOMACH! CLOCK ON THE STOMACH!!!

Skeletor: ...get me a mirror. now.

Skeletor: So, let's review. Instead of being a menacing death skull with eerie bluish skin...I'm a fat, bald alien with a hole on it's head, clock on it's stomach, and eyes that jiggle. Furthermore, my skin is covered in green fur, I'm apparently Hindu, and there's a smile on my face that's impossible to remove.

Trap Jaw: Haha, and you can't see your ass -- it's got a cupie tail hanging from it. Looks kinda phallic, actually!

Whiplash: Do you like it, boss?

Skeletor: About as much as I like swallowing Clorox while my legs are on fire and my mother's giving me oral sex. I'm a joke! What am I going to do?!!!

Squid Head: Buahaahahahahahahhhah!!!

Skeletor: Great, now even fucking Squid Head's laughing at me. I should never have messed with perfection like this. I ruined my life, my career....and for what? To get a shirt? There's no turning back. Looks like the only thing I can do now...is remove myself from this miserable existence...

Skeletor: So goodbye, cruel world. Maybe in another life, I'll have the chance to destroy you...but for now, remember...the 2nd rule of Fight Club is...

Trap Jaw: Boss don't do it! You have too much to live for! So what if you look like a retarded gnome! It'll be alright, we'll just dress you in black leather! You'll look evil, I swear!

Whiplash: Yeah boss, c'mon!!!

Skeletor: Sorry, my minions, but my mind's made up. It's time for me to meet my maker...and if I'm really lucky, the ghost of that woman from the old Downy commercials. Arrivederci!

.....

Trap Jaw: Wow boss, that was some fall!

Skeletor: Very funny. How was I supposed to know this was only a 3' ledge? But mark my words, next time we're standing at the edge of a cliff, I'm off it.


Rat King: Today's lesson is an important one. We saw how Skeletor's not giving up the loss of his cherished shirt did him in. Readers, watchers, audience...if you lose your shirt...just forget about it. If you don't, you might end up like a suicidal alien freak with a clock on it's belly. Remember, shirts come and go! Don't let this happen to you!

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com