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A Nightmare On Elm Street -- Freddy Arrives At X-E!
Matt - 09/25/00


Bonus #2: FREDDY SQUIRT HEAD!

Again, a good way to annoy your little sister. The water gun not cutting the mustard anymore? Grab the official A Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger squirting head!!! First, soak your sister. Once she sees exactly what got her soaking wet, she'll probably urinate herself too, making your job much easier. Course, it is pretty strange that with all the potential Freddy products they could've marketed, they chose to turn him into a water gun. Oh well...let's get back to the movie!


Times are tough. Friends are getting killed...Freddy's chasing you while you sleep...and your mother's an alcoholic. But all of life's problems seem to whisp away once you share some fast food with Johnny Depp, don't they?

Well Johnny...don't get too smug. See, it's 1985. You've got no name value. You're not a star. If anyone's gonna get killed, you can bet it'll be you and your mock mullet. Bastard.


Even after returning from the horrible dreamworld with Freddy's hat, Alcoholic Mom still won't listen to Nancy. And despite every ounce of evidence that clearly shows that Nancy goes into epileptic fits while sleeping, this doesn't stop Mom from insisting a nap and a shot of Jack D. is the key to ending these problems.

Well...Mom...like Johnny, you're not a star either. And what's worse - you're too old to ever become one. So if anyone's gonna get killed, our first vote has got to go to the token alkie.


And now it's time for another amazing scene. Nancy's in dreamworld again, so she knows Freddy is on the prowl. And even though she disconnected the phone, it seems to be ringing! Now I ask you...if you're in a nether dimension with a crazed killer and your disconnected phone starts ringing...what would you do?

A) Answer the phone.
B) Hide.

Of course, the correct answer is 'B', but you're forgetting one of the cardinal rules of 80s horror movies. If you hear a strange noise, you always walk towards it. If you notice your front door beginning to open, immediately run to see who's behind it. And if your disconnected devil phone rings, answer it. Nancy knows the rules...and here's the end result:

Yup. Tongued by Freddy! It's certainly the kiss of death, but Nancy remains unphased.


Johnny Depp got a little cocky. He made it this far, so I guess he figured he was crossed off Freddy's 'To Murder' list. Unfortunately, he was wrong. As hard as it might seem to fall asleep while a television rests comfortably directly atop your dick, Johnny pulls it off here and enters dreamworld. It doesn't take long for Freddy's claws to rise up and pull him under, resulting in...

The bloodbath from HELL! This was pretty cool...Johnny's mother comes in the room and starts freaking out. Actually, it takes her about 5 seconds to begin the freakout, which is understandable, since there could've been a perfectly good way to explain why a constant stream of blood was flying up from a hole in the middle of her son's bed. Either way, consider Depp dead. For now...


Eventually, Nancy realizes that the best way to come out on top in an 80s horror movie is to directly look the enemy in the eye and spout off some cryptic nonsense no one in the audience could possibly comprehend. She pulls it off, and by the time your brain starts telling you that what you've seen makes no sense, Freddy will already be turning into twilight...

It's the special effect to end special effects. Freddy de-materializes while Nancy walks out her door. I know she gave some very succinct reasons as to why she won the battle, but I'm really at a loss to explain 'em. Something about not believing in Freddy. Please. Does that really work? If I don't believe in my old lady neighbor across the street who chooses to sit on her front porch and stare at me whenever I go outside, will she go away? I think it's wishful thinking. Nancy's grand theorem has more plot holes than I can count, but fortunately, Freddy realized this before letting the end credits role. So with that, prepare yourself for...

THE GREATEST SCENE IN MOVIE HISTORY - PERIOD.

This is the scene that'll change your life forever. Fittingly enough, it happens in the final moments of the movie, making the ending to A Nightmare On Elm Street the best ever seen on the big screen. Let's review...

Nancy escapes his misbegotten bedroom and walks out the front door...and wait...everything seems so peachy! The sun's shining, Mom's giving up her alcoholism...and best of all - everyone looks like they're dressed for a tennis match! Could the ending be any more surreal?

It can!! All of Nancy's friends are alive! She conquered the nightmare! Even the blonde chick's made her return. And yes, Johnny Depp's been saved. Praise the lord. With an ending like this, you should be inspired to go buy a canvas to paint pictures of especially happy clowns holding lilies. But let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet...there's still sixty seconds on the movie's time clock. And a lot can happen in a minute...

AHHHH! What's wrong with the car?! It put the roof on by itself! The doors are locking and the windows are going up...by themself! And look - the roof of the car...the roof of the car! Why, it looks like FREDDY'S SWEATER! Oh my God!!!

Despite her daughter screaming and punching the windows in, Alkie Mom still thinks everything's a-okay. Well, that's what she gets for drinking her brain cells away. Fucking Canadians. Let this be a lesson to you all - if you drink, you're gonna die. You're going to die in the absolute worst way possible.


OH NO! Mom got pulled through the SIX INCH window on the door by Freddy! What a chilling way to end our tale! But don't get too heartbroken, that wasn't really Alkie Mom. What that was, mind you, was the worst excuse for a body double I have ever seen. A blow-up dummy with tri-colored legs and puffy, double-jointed arms! VIVA LA FREDDY!

I can't believe it. Even in real time motion, it's obviously a fake. Now I'm not saying that because logic tells us Alkie Mom simply can't fit through that window, I say it because it's very clearly a blow-up doll. Amazingly enough, right after this scene, the credits roll. Talk about getting stunned into submission. Half the people on this planet probably say they love this movie only because it'll take too long to describe the reasons why they don't.


All in all though, it's definitely a fun horror flick. For it's time, it managed to not get too cheesy. The bad sex scenes were cut to a minimum, and there's plenty of gore. If you exclude the blow up doll at the end, the effects are also pretty good. It's obvious from watching this that Freddy was destined for greatness, which explains why he's starred in so many sequels. If you got it, watch it. If you don't, go rent it. It's worth seeing again, and definitely for the first time.

Now, to end our tale of woe, here's some fun facts about the film:

* Nancy is played by Heather Langenkamp , who used to star on the awful Growing Pains spinoff, Just The Ten Of Us. Oddly enough, two of her sisters on that show also starred in various Elm Street flicks.

* The bathtub from the scene we talked about was constructed over someone's swimming pool. Heather Langenkamp had to stay in it for twelve hours during filming.

* This actually was Johnny Depp's first real acting gig. Everyone knew he'd become a star when he was able to remain perfectly still with the television in his crotch and keep a straight face.

That's your dog and pony show...I may review some of the sequels soon.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com

Muahahaahaha.