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Jerry Falwell Says Gary Coleman is The Anti-Christ
Presented by liquorhead on 04/12/00

Lynchburg, VA- Reverend Jerry Falwell surprised all in attendance at the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Virginia by naming former child star Gary Coleman as The Anti-Christ. "Now that the new Millineum is approaching and the upcoming Apocalypse is at hand, I want every god-fearing person to know that "The Beast" is alive and well in America. The seven-headed evil dragon of sin, is Gary Coleman!"

The diminutive Gary Coleman, who found fame as Arnold Drummond on the show "Diff'rent Strokes" in the 80's, is no stranger to controversy. Coleman was recently arrested for failing to pay a $400 fine to a fan he assaulted last year.

The charge is a complete about face from Falwell, who claimed just months ago that, "The Anti-Christ is probably a Jew." When questioned about this, Falwell was quick to add, "Sammy Davis, Jr was a Jew, don't forget that! Gary Coleman is The Son of Satan himself!"

Fallwell claims that the letters in Gary Coleman's name can be reorganized into a variety of demonic phrases, including "Gay Cornmeal" and "Creamy Anglo". When asked to clarify how these words suggest any sort of Satanic meaning, Falwell replied, "Don't let The Beast blind you! It's all so clear!"

He also went as far to suggest that the recent suicide of Dana Plato, Coleman's Diff'rent Strokes co-star, was "a well orchestrated attempt to sacrifice an innocent virgin to awaken The Great Evil". When it was pointed out that Plato was no virgin, and had starred in many softcore pornographic movies, Falwell replied, "The Anti-Christ is the master of deceit you're just playing the game!"

Though many in Reverend Fallwell's fold believe this claim, others close to him have their doubts. Eric Stengler, a longtime Falwell associate told a Newsweek reporter, "Last week he was telling me that the biggest sign that Coleman was The Anti-Christ was the purple costume, handbag, and gay-pride triangle symbol on top of his head. When I told him he was talking about Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies again, he just began throwing things and kicked me out of his office."

Surprisingly, Conrad Bain, who played Coleman's father on the Diff'rent Strokes show, agrees with Falwell's assessment. "That little creep is evil personified. Why, I'll never forget the time he hid Mrs. Garrett's purse, and put a goldfish in the hot-tub. I took that kid into my house and this is how he repays me?"

When Gary Coleman himself was confronted about Falwell's claims, he replied simply, "What you talkin 'bout?"

- liquorhead