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Pretty Girls Who Sing (or at least try to)
liquorhead - 09/28/00


Sometimes you see a goddess so beautiful, so enchanting you'd follow her to the ends of the universe. Then she opens her mouth and your passion is quickly replaced with nervous fits of laughter. Many actresses and models have tried to record albums through the years, and have failed miserably. It's nothing new, but for some reason, they never learn.

XE is proud to present a collection of some girls that are certainly fun to look at, but when it comes to singing...well, we'll let you be the judge. Just click the picture of each for the MP3 file to listen to and see for yourself. Don't worry about them suing Napster anytime soon for making these songs available. In fact, if there's a god, you should be able to sue them.


JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT "HOW DO I DEAL?" (3.9 MB)

Jennifer Love Hewitt is a woman of many talents. From acting, to dancing in a Barbie Workout Video as a kid, to holding up sweaters with remarkable ease, she can do it all. Her singing isn't too bad, but it's got that freakish studio layering where it seems as if there's 5 of her singing (put enough extra tracks of her singing and she'll eventually sound, good, right?) A cross between Natalie Imbruglia and Leif Garrett. "How Do I Deal?" had a video that was, of course, nice to look at, but the less than enthusiastic sales of this gem makes it near certain that we'll be seeing, WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER before you get another album out of her.


ALYSSA MILANO "I HAD A DREAM" (5.2 MB)

If Alyssa Milano was as easy on the ears as she was on the eyes, she's be a goddamn Pavorotti. You know it's a bad sign when she doesn't even start singing in the "I Had a Dream" song until 1:26 into the song. Truly truly awful vocals. "How I blessed the day, that you came my way, you made everything better." Try and listen through this whole thing and just wince at how she sings the word "Hol-aaaaa-day". When my sister was in Okinawa in the Marines, she saw several of her CDs for sale over there. So I guess Mr. Mijagi and his family think she's the boss, but let's hope she keeps her mouth shut over here. One of the reviews of this CD on AMAZON.com sums it up (a little too generously), "Alyssa is a pretty good singer. Although she acts better."



SALMA HAYEK "QUEDATE AQUI" (2.9 MB)

To Salma's credit, she's never actually released an album or pretended to be a good singer, but this tune, "Quedate Aqui" from DESPERADO, which features the latin Amazon whispering some sexy Spanish lyrics with no music is a pretty hot listen. Her DESPERADO costar, Antonio Banderas has a pretty good song backed up by Los Lobos on that soundtrack as well. Check it out.



REBECCA ROMIJIN-STAMOS "DARLING NIKKI" (5.3 MB)

Like many supermodels, Rebecca Romijin-Stamos shows excruciatingly bad taste in men, so I suppose her decision to record an awful album should be expected. Her cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki", is just plain crazy. Though the fact that she doesn't change the gender perspective of the song makes it a hot lesbianesque treat to listen to (complete with moaning). You've got to give Rebecca credit for actually singing worse than John Stamos, which is no easy task. Hell, Bob Saget could sing circles around her (Still waiting for that "I Sucked Dick for Coke" Dance Mix).


NAOMI CAMPBELL "COOL AS ICE" (5.1 MB)

It's bad enough when you have to bring in other singers to help spice up the performance, but when you suck bad enough to need Vanilla Ice to help you out, you know there's trouble. Check out the review of COOL AS ICE elsewhere in XE, but if you just want to hear this "hit" just click the picture above.


JUSTINE BATEMAN "SATISFACTION" (2.8 MB)

"Well at least it's not Tina Yothers", is the best comment I can come up for this. If you thoguht Britney Spears butchered this song, just give a listen to Justine Bateman's treatment. Bateman starred in a 1988 trainwreck called SATISFACTION about an all girl band that tries to make it big. You know this is an old movie when it's got Julia Roberts on the cover and Bateman gets top billing. It made only $8 Million at the box office (which is only $8 Million more than it should have), and was actually brought back later as at TV movie repackaged as a JULIA ROBERTS film once she went on to much higher fame from PRETTY WOMAN.


SHAUN CASSIDY: DA DO RON RON (3.2 MB)

Hey...David Cassidy you ain't.

-liquorhead