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Snowboard Academy - shocks critics by being worse than originally expected.
Matt - 09/28/00

Before we get into the night's festivities, a few site announcements. X-E's switched networks, now we're signed up with UGO, one of the best entertainment network portals out there. Big thanks to Chris from their company for answering the thousand questions I had...I'm definitely looking foward to working with 'em.

As for the site, that doesn't change anything except hopefully exposing us to a larger audience. That, plus the banners we have up now won't crash your computer like the old ones sometimes would. ;) Also - a huge thanks to Stile from StileProject for helping us set all this shit up with the new codes and saving me a 14 hour headache I definitely wasn't looking forward to. To those of you who haven't been to his site, remember, it's not safe for work. It's actually not safe in general. He's actually helped the site a lot for the past few months, so I'd just like to publicly thank him for it.

All this stuff is running much smoother than I thought it would. We're switching servers very soon, and adding a much more convenient version of our forum. And remember - X-E's Month of Halloween is coming soon! Stay tuned!

Looks like we have a new candidate for worst movie of all time. Now, I'm certain that the general populance of you readers out there haven't had the sheer pleasure of watching this flick, so you'll probably disagree with me on this and name some movies you've actually seen as the worst movie ever. Before you do, there's an easy way for us to surpass any disagreement. All you need to do is look at the cast who stars in this flick. That should be enough to prove it...

Corey Haim. Jim Varney. Brigitte Nielsen.

If there were ever three names that were synonymous with bad movies, you're looking at 'em. Corey Haim's true claim to fame lies in his ability to land a role in virtually every bad direct-to-video movie ever made. Sure, he's landed some winners with The Lost Boys and Dream A Little Dream, but he's also starred opposite Mario Lopez in Fever Lake, a horror movie that completely forgot it was a horror movie and existed under the impression that it was about a group of ugly girls sitting around discussing how shy Corey was.

Jim Varney? Need I say more? The only things this guy has starred in were Burger King commercials and a whole slew of Ernest Goes To... flicks. Okay, so there's some of you out there who are fans of Ernest. I understand. I still get goosebumps when I think about his master plot to use turtles to overcome the enemy in Ernest Goes To Camp. But he doesn't get to play Ernest in this movie. He's just an idiot with a coon cap. It's kind of like hiring Ronald McDonald to come play Monopoly with you, but instead you just get the guy who plays Ronald, sans makeup. It's just not the same effect, and chances are you're going to be pretty pissed off about it.

And by god...Brigitte Nielsen?!! You guys have heard of her, right? Ever see Chained Heat II? Brigitte plays an Amazonian lesbian who kidnaps and enslaves girls for various uses, mainly including a prostitution ring and for her own perverse sexual pleasure. Need I say more?

Seperately, these three have given us more reasons to demand a refund than any other actors in history. But let's say, hypothetically, you took the three of 'em and put them in a movie...together. Let's also theorize that the script of this movie is so bad, you'll swear you're watching a parody of another movie. As a finalization, let's throw all of that into the middle of a ski lodge, where everyone can do a sight gag of tripping into the snow every four seconds. Now, hypothetically of course, how do you think that movie would turn out? Not exactly stuff for the Academy to review, right? Well, as much as it pains me...such a movie does exist. What's even more disturbing? It's part of my video collection. So prepare yourself, it's time to review the only film given five stars by masochistic moviegoers everywhere...


The movie's premise is abolutely hysterical. It's a classic tale of good versus evil...with a twist. In this movie, the good guys are Corey and his merry band of outcast snowboarders. The bad guys are the snobbish, too-good-for-you lodge member skiers. Got that? Snowboarders good, skiers bad. To make matters worse, Corey's brother leads the ski team. And, to make matters even worse than that, Corey's nickname in the movie is...'The Wizard'.

In case you think the plot's as simple and stupid than that, think again. Our slapstick subplot is provided by Jim Varney's addition to the staff guessed it...the safety engineer. And they say Citizen Kane is the number one movie of all time? Then there's Nielsen, who plays a scheming gold-digger who doesn't seem to fully comprehend what type of foreign accent she's supposed to have.

It's 89 minutes of pure Hell, but luckily for you, I've condensed it all into about 10 minutes of reading. Let's review...and don't worry, I'm not going to go too in depth with this one, mainly because I want to make it through these midnight hours without having to commit suicide.

The movie doesn't do much for your sanity by having Jim Varney make his debut in the opening moments. He plays Rudy, who despite breaking everything in the office, is given the dual-task job of ski lodge entertainer, and overall safety inspector. And oh yeah, for whatever reason, Rudy enters the office carrying a plastic tree and a giant sombrero.

The guy you see floundering on the floor is the evil staff member who wants nothing more than to ruin all the snowboarders' fun. I forget his name, and he certainly isn't worth any research. So we're gonna call him 'Goldfish'. Goldfish talks with a silly accent and likes to shill his Green Beret tactics whenever he can. Unfortunately, here we find that Corey and his friends have gotten the better of him once again. Corey reminds Goldfish that it's never a good idea to 'mess with the Wizard'. So Goldfish tells on them.

Back at the office, Corey's dad, who owns the ski lodge, questions his decision to let Rudy, who thinks a trophy is a snowglobe, be in charge of safety. But time is not on his side - his insurance is planning to cancel him if he doesn't bring the lodge up to code, so he's forced to take Rudy on the staff. When Rudy's not taking care of safety issues, he can be found on the lodge stage, entertaining:

My Skeletor loses his Shirt story had a better script than this. Rudy stands on stage telling the audience that the show's being brought to you by the Bedazzler. Believe it or not, this is the movie's funniest scene. At least intentionally. Unless you count reading the cast credits. That's pretty funny too.

The plot thickens when we find out that Corey's brother is second in charge of the lodge, and really doesn't like Corey or his bumbling, snowboarding friends. His brother is an extremely uptight fellow, which is explained to use by the subtle hint of his neatly parted hair. Their adoptive father, remember, owns the lodge. And he's a swell, peace keeping guy. He'll let Corey start up a snowboarding section on the hills, but only under the ruling that down the line, he'll have to defeat his brother's ski team to keep the snowboarding lessons going.

Kickass plot, right? Sure, it's not quite as subversive as your Being John Malkoviches and your Ewok Adventures, but surprisingly enough, despite dialogue that makes the way turtles communicate seem advanced, it's watchable.

Luckily, things are about to pick up. Enter: Brigitte Nielsen.

Nielsen's definitely a cursed actress. In real life, it's entirely possible that she's a nice, normal girl. But I've never seen a movie with her in it that didn't cast her as a middle aged slutvixen with an awful accent who liked to lounge around in the most unflattering outfits imaginable. It's her curse. And it's no different here, as lovely Brigitte takes a steamy hot bath trying desperately to come off sexy. Turns out that she's technically married to Corey's dad, and won't sign the divorce papers until he hands over half his worldly possessions.

Other than being evil, she's also got a amazingly giant chest.

Yeah, Corey's boarding school is taking off. I must be desensitized to Corey movies, because I'm finding all of this extremely boring. It really makes you wonder why someone would bother writing a script like this. You'd're going to write a movie, you'll want to make it spectacular. This movie would seem almost entirely ad libbed, but then you remember: real people would never talk this stupidly.

The movie's budget also was a problem. It was five bucks. And three of that went to covering up Corey's acne. So you're left with two bucks. I'd guess Brigitte Nielsen and Jim Varney's going rate were about a quarter a piece by those days, so you're down to a buck fifty. So with a dollar and a half left, the only places seen in this movie are the lounge bar and the same patch of snow, over, and over, and over again.

Then of course, there's the script itself. A movie with a small budget can be saved with a good script, but when you've got lines and action like the ones found in Snowboard Academy, you're in for a special treat. The whole comedy without jokes thing is an interesting approach, but in the very least, at least we get to see Jim Varney hit a tree:

And even if you laughed at that, it's only because it's hysterical to imagine poor Jim signing on for this role. His stock really went down after Burger King moved on to other promotions.

It's the kind of movie that makes you feel embarassed to watch it. It's impossible to avoid. If you're going to rent it, definitely watch it by yourself. Especially since your friends are going to really give you a hard time about renting a movie where Jim Varney winks at the camera...

And the worst part is, we're only a little over halfway through the plot. In the future, I'm vowing only to review movies that don't make me want to gouge my eyes out.

Brigitte hooks up with the evil staffer. She fucks him into submission, and now he's on her side, searching for a way to help her take control of the ski lodge. Graciously, there's no sex scene. Which is strange, because you can definitely get away with it on a movie that's going to be seen by less than two people.

Thankfully, finally the movie starts reaching it's climax. Brigitte plants dynamite in the snow during the ski/snowboarding competition, essentially attempting to accomplish nothing.

Luckily, Rudy saves Corey and his brother from the dynamite doom. Guess he wasn't a bad choice for safety inspector after all. Brigitte's not done trying to cause trouble, but one of the ski girls sees her and brings us the movie's one and only amazing scene: the cat fight!

One of the nice things about low budget flicks is that, often times, stunt doubles are a luxury you simply can't afford. So you've got to take sometimes inexperienced and/or completely inept actors and actresses and let them do their own fight scenes. The results? Phenomenal.

Eventually, Ski Girl, who had previously been in the movie for about six minutes total, saves the day by punching Brigitte unconscious. The insurance guy who was at the ski lodge realizes that all the violations were a result of her sabotage, so Corey's dad is safe and can keep the lodge! Yay!

And Brigitte is off to jail. Corey and his brother settle their differences and accept each other's choice winter sport as a viable one. It's a bad movie, but it's probably not the worst one out there. Whomever made this can take salvage in the fact that if you look hard enough, you might find a movie that's worse.

The world works in mysterious ways, and that's the only way to explain the Corey Haim/Brigitte Nielsen connection. Believe it or not, this isn't the only movie they've starred in together...

Yep, the Double-0 Kid, which might actually be even worse than this one. I'm not really sure how to explain the plot of that one, but the words 'worthless' and 'parasitic' certainly come to mind. It also stars Nicole Eggert. So it's a little better than Snowboard Academy, because annoying as she is, I'd much rather hear bad lines ran off by Eggert than frigging Ernest. And oh yeah, Brigitte Nielsen has been in Playboy more times than all of your sweaty hands combined.

Who knows what movies Corey and Brigitte will make in the future? Alas, poor Jim Varney died about a year ago, so it's up to C&B to keep the legacy afloat. Check the 99 cent bin at your local video store for future updates.

- Matt