Awhile back, I posted about what I surely consider - beyond any sense of doubt or question - the worst movie of all time. Now, I usually enjoy bad movies, even the ones that I sit here and poke fun of endlessly...it's still a tribute. But this? Not a tribute. I did an article on it a few months back, but I was never completely satisfied with it, since it really didn't prove how bad it was. Now that I've got the video back from my friend who in turn used it to torture her friends, I can fully express to you the meaning of the word 'awful'.
Turn Back Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace.
Yes - it's the return of the movie that made X-E readers cringe in unison back in June...the movie that aids priests in performing exorcisms...the movie that's so bad, you'll start to wonder while watching if you're typing on the devil's computer in Hell itself! It's back: The Corey Haim Video Diary.
Background: Before Corey's agents had completely given up hope that he'd ever star in a movie that wouldn't get shot from a cannon straight to the video rental department right after production, they made a last ditch attempt to save his reputation and career. Corey Haim: Me, Myself and I details a 'day in the life' of Corey Haim, and gives Corey about 6,000 chances to prove he's a good guy and not some derelict drug addict like all the tabloids had been reporting. The end result? The most poorly produced, horrible scripted, absolutely asinine forty minutes ever recorded on Hi-Fi VHS.
Prepare yourself, friends. You're in for the scariest read of your life. Let's review...
When you sit down to watch a flick, those first five minutes or so are important ones. Generally, those opening moments dictate the pace and style for the rest of the movie. So it's only fitting that Me, Myself, and I opens in undoubtedly the worst way humanly fucking possible - by having Corey enter a mysterious white room to scribble his name on the wall in crayon.
That alone would justify my claims about this video. It's awful. But we've already established that back in June. This time, our goal is to see just how awful a movie can get with just 40 minutes to work with. And judging from the scene immediately following the one above - this thing can get pretty damn awful.
Watch out star wipe, there's a new stupid video editing trick on the horizon. Once I saw this 'special effect', beads of sweat out of sheer embarassment formed on my forehead...could I really be watching something this bad? Could something this bad actually exist? Hey, I'm no whistle, it's an entirely possible that this was all some bad flashback. But it wasn't. It was all real. And the scariest part about this and everything we're about to see from here? It's all supposed to be real.
Our first look into the life of Corey takes us to the ice rink, where 'The Haimster' engages in a short game of hockey against an obviously-hired-for-the-job middle aged fat guy who looks absolutely mortified to be a part of this. While Corey does his teen beat dance across the court, his luscious words are heard in a voice-over, where he tells us why he likes hockey so much.
His choice of words are masterful, or more appropriately, someone else's. Part of the magic of giving a personal monologue is to make the speech sound like you're not reading it off a cue card, and after Corey stutters and reads certain words incorrectly, it becomes all too clear these aren't Corey's thoughts on hockey...they're someone else's!
After this, things really start getting good. This flick details a life in the day of Corey Haim, condensed into 40 minutes. Unfortunately, Corey only does exciting stuff for about 15 minutes of the day. So that's 25 extra minutes you've got to fill. How do you do that? By sticking footage of Corey getting his make-up done and the crew setting up the cameras all throughout the tape!
Nice, huh? If you thought train wreck tv was limited to live shows, think again. You can achieve that whole 'unmoderated pile of shit' effect when your budget is 2.50 and your desire is non-existant.
Remember the intent of this video - we want to make Corey seem as good natured and non-threatening as we can. In other words, he can't be smoking crack or filming movies opposite Patricia Arquette on tape. And that really cuts out half of the usual routine. No, we need something better. The producers I guess felt they really hit the 'aura' of Corey with that whole hockey thing earlier, so the plan is to milk sports for all they're worth. By the end of the flick, you're not going to be able to figure out if what you've just watched was Corey's video diary or Corey's tips on how to win at baseball.
This scene was gorgeous. It's a real game, so it makes sense for Corey to run the bases after hitting the ball, even though there's not a single other person on the field besides the pitcher. We then get a four-minute sequence of Corey making the same throw from approximately 732 different angles. Meanwhile, Corey's voiceover reminds us that baseball requires 'total concentration'.
Back at the ranch, little girls sitting at home with their hands in their collective crotch are going crazy trying to figure out how this could possibly pass a teeny bopper masturbation material.
There's no rest for the weary, and wouldn't you know it, this particular day in the life of Corey Haim happened to be that one day where he's training for the triathelon. I don't think people who get paid for it are this into sports. And somehow, my gut tells me that Corey isn't either, but remember...Corey is a non-threatening role model. And what do non-threatening role model teenage heart models like to do best? Play tennis.
Corey reiterates his point about sports requiring total concentration (for the fifth time) while stating how the overhead smash gives him goosebumps. When the camera crew (who are quite visibly on screen for the duration of the flick) decides that they've covered every conceivable angle of Corey hitting the tennis ball, we thankfully end our journey into Corey's World of Sports. Be careful of what you wish for though, because things are going to get a lot worse from here.
Now it's time to discuss my personal favorite scene, the ten minutes of sheer hell I call the 'car scene'. Maybe they were going for realism, I don't know. But even so, there's no good way to explain the train of thought that dictates 10 minutes of footage of the crew mounting a camera on Corey's car making it to the final cut.
I should also note at this point that it's around 1:30 in the morning as I write this. The last paragraph was written about 6 PM. The flick itself was hard enough to sit through, but at least you can concentrate on eating Twizzlers while watching it. Writing about it though? Fucking shit is knocking me right out. Oh yeah, the car....take a look at this....
I was waiting for some footage that'd make me feel completely satisfied with my purchase, and this was it. There's nothing finer than ten full minutes of footage featuring the production crew give away their cinema secrets for all of us. If you want more, also realize that there's some funky music provided by one of those 9.99 Casio keyboards playing in background throughout all this.
See? Ten full minutes. I'm reading the back of the video box right now, which claims that if you love Corey Haim, you'll really love Me, Myself, and I. I'd like to add an amendment to that. If you dislike, or are pretty indifferent altogether to Corey Haim, Me, Myself, and I will make you kill yourself. Corey's special 'personalized' message on the video box: 'Dear Fans... Thanks for all your great support! I hope you enjoy this program as much as we enjoyed making it for YOU! Love, Corey Haim' They enjoyed making this?! It was fun for a group of cameramen to shoot another group of cameramen mounting shit to Corey's car just so he could drive past Waldenbooks and tell us how it relaxes him? Jesus, if this is the day in the life of a celebrity, I really feel pretty fufilled with what I do with my day.
So after a few hours, they get the camera mounted to the car. Maybe all that footage served a purpose after all. After ten minutes of that, they could've shown a wall of bricks for the duration of the flick and we would've been satisfied. Unfortunately, they showed something far more boring and entirely more offensive than a wall of bricks....
Brace yourselves for the sheer excitement of Corey driving through the streets of Los Angeles! Corey tells us how lots of people in California don't like driving, but he does. He also does everything in his power to avoid eye contact with the camera in his face, usually by pretending that his sunglasses are falling off. Fifty times in a row. The most intriguing part about all this? The drive lasts for about half as long as the footage of the crew setting up the cameras did. That's really not a good showing for Corey. It's basically an admission that watching the crew make pissy faces over their bottom-feeding job is far more entertaining than anything Corey can bring us.
How do things like this ever come to be? What domino effect causes things like this to make it past our innate senses of what's right and what absolutely sucks?
The Corey Haim Video Diary may act as the svenghali of all that's unholy, but it's certainly not the only form of entertainment that's given us a clear reason to believe television and movie producers are all-around satanic creatures sent here to annoy us.
Case in point? Corey's spindance.
And you're telling me that some higher power isn't extracting revenge on us? Don't be naive. And while I've proven my case - this is the worst movie ever...I'm not stopping until the end credits roll. Continuing...
Ain't nothin' quite like watching Corey check for dandruff and testing out Loreal's latest.
Things are starting to wind down in this exciting and amazing day in the life of Corey Haim. He's done the driving thing and played his sports, but now it's time for some quiet relaxing reflection from home.
They were going for realism, so again I can understand their idea to show the crew setting up the cameras in front fo Corey's couch for twenty minutes.
It's at this point where we get the video's true essence of greatness: Corey's inner thoughts. Imagine your stoner friend with a case of tourette's and a golf ball in his mouth. If your friend tried explaining his thoughts on love, he'd make seven times more sense than Corey. Corey likens the feeling he gets when kissing a girl to a school of dolphins swimming through his bloodstream. Somebody call Hallmark, we've got a real winner here.
Corey also talks about his future ambitions. His dream? In ten years, he wants to live on the beaches of Tahiti so he can watch the seahorses swim by. Either Corey's on drugs, or he's really confident that in a decade, human eyesight will be taken to all new heights.
Thoughts on the progression of his acting career? Corey would like to advance his acting roles from the 'little brother', to the 'older brother', or in the best case scenario - the only brother. Of course, it's impossible to be an 'only brother', but remember - this video diary is uncut and uncensored!
And now, for a special treat, here's an assortment of Corey modeling some of the worst clothes I've ever seen. And that's coming from a person who wore knock-off Skidz in junior high...
Cue the runway music...
Now, as the video comes to it's final moments, praise the lord, Corey gets serious. Like I mentioned, aside from this video serving as a psychology experiment in patience, it's meant to show just how good and wholesome Corey is. Since his words aren't enough, the use of a backlit background and a suit will have to do.
Corey tells kids that he knows life can be rough, but if you follow your dreams, someday you too might be immortalized on the worst video cassette ever made. Then he starts babbling about dolphins again, and keeps mouthing to the director trying to figure out if he's supposed to keep talking or not. Graciously, he eventually stops.
It's Hell. Sheer Hell. But if you were a good reader and actually made it through all this, you deserve a little reward. So click here to play a java applet version of the classic game, Connect Four Oddly enough, this stupid game is much more interesting than the video diary. And you won't feel anywhere near as much embarassment over it. Unfortunately, it's impossible to win. At least in the five minutes of this time I alloted to playing it.