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The Worst Witch Expose Continues - Part II: Pigs and Scary Faces!
Matt - 10/23/00

Continuing on with the Worst Witch abomination...make sure you've read Part One first!!

In case you forgot, this is all taking place at a school for witches. So what are witches supposed to learn? How to be scary! Now, I think they've been doing a pretty good job pulling that off, but practice makes perfect, so they dream up a little exercise in demonism..

The witches are divided into teams. Whatever team can get the most screams out of the other one wins! This is a serious competition, folks. If you're a witch, there's no higher honor than being able to make people scream, at least according to this movie. So the girls aren't taking it lightly - they must win!

Little witchboy is taking score for the teams. Notice the glittery bat and the giant skull? Spooky stuff. Anyway, if you guys can think of some ways to scare people, you may want to give this school a call, since the only trick they can come up with is making retarded faces at each other.

If you were part of this competition, wouldn't you expect that? And even if you didn't, and even if you were a little girly girl, just how frightening are these stupid faces anyway? I don't know, maybe the teams thought their opposition would be playing checkers in clear view in an attempt to scare them, but personally, I wouldn't be looking into the school lockers for no apparent reason while 25 little freaks are trying to get me to scream.

But, one girl was weird looking enough to pull it off...

Now that's scary. Not because of the face she's making, but because she climbed all the way up on top of a bookcase to do it. The camera does a masterful zoom-in on this atrocity, and it goes on long enough that the image of this little monster will be implanted in your brain for the rest of your life.

Mildred decides to try her luck with the stupid face too, only she ups the ante by sneaking up on a girl who for some reason has her head in the sink with a towel over it. Mildred, poor innocent young Mildred, doesn't find this at all suspicious. After all, who are we to say that one of the girls wouldn't decide to take a break from a school-wide scaring contest so they could wash their hair?

Obviously, Mildred goofed. A monster appears! Mildred screams her head off, repeatedly, and somehow, the little boy taking score knows that the scream came from the blue team. These guys really know their voices. Mildred protests...monsters aren't supposed to be a part of the competition! Her team lost because of a monster?! Not fair!

D'oh!! That was no monster - that was ETHEL! Ethel fucked you up again, Mildred! Despite the illegal use of a mask (apparently, at some point it was said that this wasn't allowed...I must've missed it) ...the red team wins. Well, Mildred's had enough. You can only push a girl so far before she takes a stand. So, her blood rising to temperatures completely abnormal for young witches, Mildred deals with her pent-up angst the only way she knows how: by turning Ethel into a pig.

Now, the pig transformation was the real milestone mark of this movie - from here on out, it's pure insanity. (as opposed to the everyday pirate dance by Mrs. Garrett and the commonworld antics of the Amazing Spider-Woman) So yes, Ethel's a pig, and the teachers tell Mildred that she must transform her back. The direction of this movie was pretty lenient...nobody told the kids that it would kind of kill the effect if they started kneeling down and petting the pig like it was some regular farm animal. Adding to the problem: they dubbed in the pig oinks, but they also added Ethel's pleas to turn human again. Simultaneously. So unless this pig witch is an Ithorian, the sound people need to get their asses fired.

Mildred consults the witch spellbook. Keeping with this movie's attention to production values, the pages of the book are quite clearly scribbled in magic marker. I'd also like to point out that despite everything, ol' Fairuza Balk really does give an admirable performance here. It couldn't have been easy to do any role in this movie convincingly.

Well, Ethel's now revived from her porcine problems, and she is frigging LIVID. As the camera catches Mildred silently mouthing along to Ethel's lines, it becomes painfully clear - girl's out for blood now.

Meanwhile, Agatha (Mrs. Garrett in her punk princess gear) and her band of evil witches haven't been seen for six months. I watched this with a high fever and was convinced that I hallucinated the whole thing, but don't worry - pink-haired Garrett will be back. Annnnnd how.

Anyway, time for the kids to go to class. I'm not sure what they actually learn in class, but I really don't want to blow my central nervous system giving this movie any deep insight. I'm comfortable and accepting of it's totally nonsensical nature, so let's just let 'em run with it and see how bad it can get.

Remember when you were in gradeschool, and the little girls would pass around pictures of Jordan and Alf, swooning over their good looks and licking the photos like some sort of really fucked up sex act? Hey, that's an affliction that spreads across the board - even to witches. Only in their case, it's not a hot young boyband that's getting their photos's Tim Curry.

Yes, according to The Worst Witch, Tim Curry is fucking hot. This is our first glimpse of Tim as The Grand Wizard, and after you see our second glimpse a bit later - you'll wish this was the only one. The girls pass around and grab at the picture like it was the Pope's ring, rubbing it against their bodies in a vain attempt to gain some of that electric sexuality Curry's famous for. Most grab the picture and pretend to faint, but some of the extra creative child actresses go as far as licking their chops in a totally disturbing display.

Take a look at that picture. ::swoons:: Pure photographic sex. Anyway, even the totally frigid, bitchy Mrs. Hardbroom manages to achieve orgasm just by holding it. What's the point of all this? The Grand Wizard is coming to the school! Sweet Jesus, somebody get me a mirror - STAT!

I'm sure we've all watched little girls on MTV literally die when the latest group of singing Gap models arrive on the me, this is about 40 times worse. At least guys nowadays don't feel too inadequate - all we really need to get to achieve that sought-after look is a few long sweaters and a small piercing on our straight ears. But in 1986? You had to look like Tim Curry! Who the hell can look like that?! We were fucked.

The witches prepare for his arrival. The tension is mounting....could it be true? Could THE GRAND WIZARD really be coming to this little school?

Every kid pulls out their Loreal kits in the hopes to be the prettiest one there. They all are wearing their best outfits, too. Green felt and makeshift pilgrim hats. How could anyone resist that? Even Mrs. Cackle feels her heart palpating with thoughts of wild monkey sex with that winning warlock. The whole school has just turned into Tim Curry's fucking harem.

He's coming, folks. Oh sweet jesus...he's coming.

I want you to imagine a drumroll. I want you to imagine the biggest fucking drumroll you've ever heard in your life. Then, I want you to multiply that by ten and blow fourteen trumpets. It's time. Oh yes, it's Curry time.


What does The Grand Wizard do once he arrives? Whatever you're thinking...whatever you can dream possible - you're wrong. It's so much worse. It's so much worse. Prepare yourself...and I don't mean, take a deep breath preparation...I'm talking sedatives, handcuffs, knife-hiding, and possibly gouging out your eyes preparation. Tim about to launch his music video.

It'll be up soon. Be afraid.

- Matt