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The Worst Witch - Part Three! TIM CURRY'S MUSIC VIDEO!
Matt - 10/23/00

Before we begin, I think this would be a good time to remind you that the stuff we put up on this site is meant to inform, not torture. Sometimes those lines get blurred, and with what I'm about to show you, this is probably the worst instance of one of those times. Believe me, showing you this is not my way of lashing out at the world for years and years without Transformers in syndication...I'm just trying to inform. So when you start feeling ill...just keep that in mind before taking it out on me.

In part two, we saw The Grand Wizard arrive on the scene. We've also established that everyone in the school - teachers and students alike - are absolutely in love with the Grand Wizard. Who is this magic man? Tim Curry with a bat bowtie. He arrives on the scene, and without saying a word, breaks into the most hideous music video of all time.

I want you to imagine the editing team for this movie putting the film together. Imagine they had one of those really cheap video editing special effects machines. The ones that let you turn your everyday movies into incredibly idiotic movies with absolutely historic ludicrous effects. Watching this, it appears as though the editors were not going to be satisfied until they had used every possible stupid special effect available. It's sort of like watching a really cheesy 80s MTV video - only this one successfully combines all of them into one hideous display complete with an amazingly sense-threatening song to boot. AND! It stars Tim Curry. The end result? The most disasterous ten minutes ever recorded, the most disasterous ten minutes...of all time.

The Grand Wizard magically glides across the crowd with the help of a cape the size of Rhode Island. He hasn't started singing just yet, and he certainly didn't announce his intentions beforehand, so at this point, nobody at the school (or us) had any idea what they were about to see.

Curry takes the podium, and before anyone has a chance to ask for an autograph, we get our first shitty special effect: dissolving Curry! Yes, with zero effort, Tim manages to turn into stardust and appear directly in front of the camera....and then...he sings. And then...matters get worse.

For the next ten minutes, the entire rest of the movie becomes completely irrevelent. It's all Tim Curry. It's all a music video. For reasons completely unexplained, Tim now appears in front of a geographic background, sort of like the supernatural weatherman. A skeleton prop (and a pretty poor one at that) appears, and while all this is going on, Tim doesn't even come up from air from his song.

And you thought Jurassic Park had realism? Take a look at that pumpkin! And that moon! It'd be great if nobody told Curry what they were planning to add to the footage while filming. For all he knew, the backdrop could've been a lovely red stage. For those of you curious about the effects of acid, this is as close as you can get without spending the five bucks yourself. In the third picture above, Tim proudly displays his stuffed animal heart. I'm not too sure why, but if you've ever seen Carrot Top's act where he pulls all that assorted crap out of a trunk...that was definitely based on this musical number.

What can I say? Seriously, what can I say about what you're seeing here? Tim Curry appears in the middle of a giant cat eye. I feel like I'm at an interpretive art exhibit. Or in Hell. Either way, Tim is still singing.

Stupid special effect #233 - Curry turns into a swirl and ends up in front of a background of fireworks going off. You can NOT tell me this was scripted. There's NO WAY someone actually sat down and mapped out this shit. Nobody's that creative or stupid. Because of all the action in the background, you've probably overlooked Curry's outfit. Smart move.

Curry literally has an orgasm on screen, signifying the end of verse one...and...the beginning...of verse two!

If you're the type who gets their mind blown during an ink blot test, I really feel sorry for you right now. In that one picture above, there are so many things wrong, I don't know where to start. Well, actually I do. Tim Curry is yellow. That one kinda jumps out at you. But there's more - his cape has apparently turned into a dimensional portal to a pet shop, which explains the significance of a dog running around inside it. acid Acid ACID! Of course, while all this is going on WWIII appears to be transpiring behind Curry, but nobody really notices things like that when cute little puppies are running around in colorized capes.

Yep, the video cuts to little clips of frogs and guitars. Nope, I'm not making this up. And Tim Curry wonders why he could only land roles in movies like Congo now? News travels fast.

Everyone's got a material possession they're really proud of. For some, it's their new sportscar. Others, their prized hockey trophies. For the Grand Wizard, it's his cardboard sun. Curry obviously believe that this is shocking, since he hides the thing behind his back for a minute, taunting us as if we should be completely amazed that he's somehow found the elusive paper sun.

Without warning, Curry jumps behind a table featuring all the wonderful technology of 1986 - a 5" b/w television, and some other junk that includes two Grand Wizards yelling at each other. The thing I find the most amazing about this video is how they keep managing to hit new lows. I would've put money on Curry squeezing the rubber heart being the absolutely low - but now we've got things like the following to prove me wrong:

Stupid special effect #4556 - Digitized Curry. Digitized Curry! This song doesn't have any breaks between the lines, so as we keep switching gears from one stupid effect to another, poor Tim is singing continuously as his body's being chopped into little digital squares. Will it ever fucking end? What kind of movie is this? I guarantee about half of you have completely forgotten that The Worst Witch is actually about some little girl by this point. Christ, and I thought it was bad when the little girls stuck their tongues out at each other. That was a masterpiece compared to this. Is this the same guy who lit up the screen in Clue just a short while later? I'm telling you, Curry is a terrific actor with a storied past career, but somebody must be blackmailing him into doing roles like this.

Millions of little Tim Curries, one giant Tim Curry, one giant Tim Curry with green hair. Makes perfect sense. Hey, it's scary, and this is a Halloween movie.

Yes, Tim Curry with a whale backdrop. Everything that ever existed is somehow represented in this video, so for the rest of your life, everything you look at is going to remind you of Tim Curry. Think about that. Wherever you go, until the day you die - every waking moment - it's all going to be Curry-ized. That's pretty fucking sobering.

I think I've been completely desensitized, because I'm finding nothing abnormal about Tim playing a tamborine while the universe explodes behind him at this point. Natural progression dictates that the next scene must feature The Grand Wizard making faces next to a giant skull, so Tim abides by the law.

Now that our brains have been turned to Jell-O, the music video ends. Fortunately/Unfortunately, the movie's not over. Yes, ugh, we still have to figure out young Mildred's fate. And what about the evil witches? Surely they have some evil plot. Remember, I watched this while I had a high fever, so I was pretty much trapped. There was no remote and I lacked the energy to get up in what would've been an intelligent attempt to destroy the VCR. No, I was in for the long haul.

Hopefully, the fourth and final part of this article will clear up all the loose ends. But judging from what we've seen so far, I'm sure it'll leave us with much more questions than answers. Questions like... 'What did I do to deserve watching this?', or 'Hey, why did they staple tin-foil stars all over the walls?' The Worst Witch is as mysterious as it is asinine, so just accept it and prepare yourself for the upcoming and totally reprehensible part four!

Click here to hear The Grand Wizard!

- Matt