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The Worst Witch Grand Finale!
Matt - 10/23/00

The Grand Wizard finishes up his song, and everyone starts clapping. Well obviously - after seeing that psycho circus act, I'd be afraid not to clap too. The thing that really got me here was that I was fully expecting everyone to be lying on the floor with their jaws gaped open. Seriously, if some guy flew into your living room and pulled off what Tim Curry just did, how else could you respond? But they take the whole thing in stride...or at least managed to put up a pretty good front.

What's really going through Mrs. Cackle's head right now? Tim Curry might look dashing in that suit, but Kenny Rogers HE AIN'T. Surely that smile isn't over his musical performance. Maybe she's just glad she survived it without having to kill herself. Either way, despite that hellish torment we just went through for the past ten minutes, everyone in school still wants to fuck him. Despite the fact that he's named after a high ranking official in the KKK. Go figure.

JESUS Mildred! She fucked up AGAIN! Actually, this was a clever plot hatched by Ethel...but the end results had Mildred fucking up the flying witch dance, causing everyone to crash and ruining the Grand Wizard's visit. And wow...Mrs. Cackle is PISSED! We all know how Mrs. Garrett would get if Blair or Jo fucked me, that's nothing compared to this. Mrs. Cackle's wrath is so severe, Mildred really doesn't see anything she can do besides...

Running away! Or in this case, flying away. Or more directly, sitting on a broom while the projector screen behind you shows trees away. Poor, poor Mildred. Without Mrs. Hardbroom's guidance on how to hold a cat correctly, what chance does she have to become a great witch now? Oh well, she's probably just saved her life. Now when those dirty God people come burning the house down, she'll be long gone, laying on the beaches of Tahiti with a dry martini in one hand, and a copy of Starlog in the other. But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves...maybe Mildred's not out of the game yet...

Fuck, I completely forgot about Punk Charlotte. And Christ, that's not easy - Mrs. Garrett dressed like Cyndi Lauper's mother on crack does leave a pretty lasting impression. Anyway, Mildred spots them in the forest, and somehow deciphers their secret code of grunting and hopping to mean that they're planning to turn everyone at school into toads!

Into toads!

TOADS! Mildred knows that she can't let this stand. She can't let all her friends who hate her back at school turn into toads. She might not be a star witch, but she's got a good heart. So how will she triumph over this overwhelming evil?

At this point, and I swear I'm not making this up, the tape messed up and I missed the next minute. Now I know that sounds convenient, but I joke. Just a blank blue screen for the next sixty seconds. So what appears when the picture finally clicks back on?

Yep. Mildred turned all the bad witches into snails. The ultimate defense. Mrs. Cackle and friends are now totally forgiving and totally in love with their new hero Mildred, but that doesn't mean they've gotten any more sensible, for instead of, let's say, stepping on the snails, they order Mildred to turn them back into their sub-human forms. Why? Because this movie is fucking ridiculous.

Like a good girl, Mildred follows her orders and turns the bad witches from snails to people. I guess they really don't pose much of a threat. Hell, I'm not even sure why everyone's so mad at them anyway...all they've really done is sing in the forest. That whole 'let's turn 'em into toads!' thing could've been said in passing. How many times have you told someone you were going to kill your boss? Doesn't mean you were actually gonna go through with it. Besides, if anyone deserves the snail treatment, it's Tim Curry.

The bad witches come to their senses and prepare to wreak havok on the school by making little claws with their hands and snarling. As effective as that sounds, nobody seems impressed.

Mrs. Cackle unleashes her true power!!! Somehow, simply standing up turns her into such an impressive occult force that the evil witches all cower in fear. I'm talking in the literal sense - the bad witches are about to attack, Cackle stands up, bad witches surrender. A fitting end to the trials of good and evil. I know I'm satisfied with that climactic battle.

The charming witches of the school aren't toads, and they have Mildred to thank. And boy, does she ever get a reward! Tim Curry returns, this time wearing his far-more famous gay pride hang glider cape, (same bowtie though) and offers up a chance of a lifetime to Mildred. I'm in no position to comment on the Grand Wizard's majestic words, so I'll let him do it himself.

Click Here To Hear Curry's PROPOSITION!!!

A dream come true. Mildred gets to fly with the Grand Wizard. Also of note - the last line in the movie - the absolute last line - has Curry telling Mildred that she's 'no longer the worst witch at school.' Not exactly the compliment I'd be aiming to achieve, but at least it means this fucking thing is over.

And now, with my fever, with the bizarre imagery of Tim Curry dancing in front of pictures of whales, and with absolutely no soda, I retire for the night. May you and yours be well. The Worst Witch is a movie I've only seen once, but it's already become one of my top cult faves. You can't top a movie that's got this much ridiculous crap in it on purpose.

If you're able to land a copy of it, don't pass up the chance. Charlotte Rae isn't going to be alive long enough to land any more roles that call for her to dress like this, so this is really your only shot. I've heard that it's still shown on television sometimes, on the Disney Channel, accordingly enough. Though I'm sure that can't be true, since I can't think of a single company wanting to pay for commercial time on breaks between verse one and verse two of Curry's rendition of the song you hear right after you die.

Oh, don't worry about Agatha and company. They're fine. They're going to Alabama.

- Matt