previous article | | next article
Please Read: A New Start For X-E
Matt - 10/24/00

It's time for a change. I haven't been completely honest with you. I've been doing this site virtually every day (withstanding circumstances such as really good movies on television, and drinking) for the past...what is months? And in that time, I've completely lost interest in Transformers and cartoons and toys. I've moved on to greener pastures...a new obsession. I've tried and tried to stay on track with X-E's unwritten rulebook, tried to force myself to sit through countless Corey Haim movies and Alf comic books in the hopes to rekindle a lost spirit for this world of backwoods pop-culture we've sought to teach you about for all this time.

But no more.

I really can't go on living the lie anymore, I'm sorry. I really do appreciate the fact that the readers have enjoyed X-E's tenure as an encyclopedia for zany pop-culture, but the fact is, it can't go on. About a month ago, I talked to Robert (Liquorhead) about it, and he basically got me to swear to at least give it a few more weeks. I tried, I really have. I tried viewing what I was doing here as 'for the readers' and not 'for me', but lately, I just can't let go of the fact that I desperately wanted the site to change direction so I could talk about what I've become progressively more interested in, against my better judgment, for the past few months.

Last week I talked to Chris about it (Dr. Rocket) and he was a little more 'gung-ho' about the change than Rob. I had considered running a poll, but seriously, even if 'the new way' was voted against, what would that prove? That I'm going to have to sit here and write about toons when there's really only one thing on my mind that I actually want to talk about?

So, that's where we are now. The crossroads. I hate to make this sound so 'epic', but I feel as though if you're a daily reader, you at least deserved an explanation. I didn't want you to come here, find the entire site changed, and not know what was up. It just didn't seem fair. Where does that leave us all? Well, Robert's still free to post whenever he wants, under the guidelines that it's on-topic to our new direction. If Dr. Rocket can find any media attached to our new direction, he can assuredly post it in the multimedia section. I appreciate what they've done, believe me...they've been great...but if I'm going to go this route, I need a team that's of the same mindset.

And what route am I referring to? Well, it might come as a bit of a surprise. But I'm fully confident in thinking we can really branch out with this and hit some new highs we previously couldn't due to our content limitations. I know it's going to seem like I'm going for the 'hot topic', because this surely had become a pretty popular genre of discussion as of late. But what can I say? I didn't buy any Nirvana albums in high school until I saw the cool kids wearing their t-shirts. I'm just that type of guy. But no matter what, this is where my heart is, and this is where the site's going. I hope you'll stick around and see how we can grow with it.

With that, let me introduce our site's new infrastructure, and where we're going. I'll leave the old articles up of course...I have more of a chance to get paid by UGO if we have 3,000 pages, so I might even go as far as to duplicate each article in the archives to give you twice as many things to click through. But from here on out, this site's going to have one topic, one very broad topic, but one topic only. And this is our new topic:


Surprised? Why? Did you really think you knew me? Come on guys, this is the internet. You only really know as much about a person as they want you to. Did you know that I'm working for a degree in sociology? Or that I wear platform buckle shoes because I can't tie knots and I want to be as close to 6' tall as possible? Of course not. We barely know each other, so this really shouldn't be that much of a shock.

I've always been fascinated by tigers, but it wasn't until recently that it really started become a daily obsession for me. I had gone to Wal-Mart a short while back, and they had those cheap 14.99 throw blankets on sale. They came in an assortment of, red, grey...but I opted for the tiger print version. So every night before I went to sleep, I'd have this blanket wrapped around me, making me feel like a real life tiger. Silently so I wouldn't wake the neighbors, I'd wrap this thing around my body and practice my growling. Sometimes I went as far as to pounce on my stuffed Pokemon dolls. I tried eating red meat raw, but I'm just a beginner. That'll take some time.

Where did it all start? Wow, that takes us back a long time. If any of you are old enough, you'd remember that there was a big health food fad back in the mid-80s. At the time, my three older brothers and I lived in the same house, and they were really bit by the health bug. So every morning, instead of cholesterol-laced eggs and fatty bacon, they'd pour themselves a bowl of Corn Flakes. Now, what little kid doesn't want to be just like their older brothers? Like a mindless drone, I asked for some Corn Flakes so I could be fit too. I tried 'em. I chewed 'em. But I just didn't like them.

Depressed, I sat in solitude in my room, dreading an inevitable future of clogged arteries and extra pounds while my brothers jumped hurdles in the Olympics. Later that day, my mother offered up a solution. She knew I wanted to eat the flakes, but something needed to be added to them. Something...saucy. With that, she presented to me my very first box of...


Finally, breakfast flakes for me! Now, I wouldn't thank my mother for anything, but someone deserved gratitude for giving me the flakes. I found my savior on the box itself. The very first tiger love of my life. Tony the Tiger. Talk about your positive role models. Tony wasn't like all those other cereal spokespersons - he wasn't trying to steal cereal from the kids. If anything, Tony would cram the shit down your throat himself. He always kept himself neat and tidy, didn't cater to the banal, immature crowd with silly hops and nonsense. Tony was all business, and taught us that eating healthy was grrreat.

That was my first experience with tigers, and I'll never forget it. Looking at the rest of my life, tigers have always played a major role. I mean, I'm from NY...we've got two great baseball teams here, yet I was always walking around with a Detroit Tigers hat on. The funny part is, I've never watched baseball in my life. I wore the hat because I love tigers!

Now, here's some of my favorite tigers out there, I hope to soon to full profiles on them. They'll be kind of like my old Saved By The Bell profiles, only a lot better, because they're about tigers.

The tiger pictured above is the famous White Tiger, one of my favorites. I like this tiger because it looks like an albino, and that reminds me of the movie Powder. Powder was a great movie if you like lightning. These are actually a simple color variation on the classic Bengal tiger, but calling them a 'freaky version of a regular tiger' doesn't really do them justice. There are only 30 white tigers in captivity across the U.S., and at least half of those are just regular tigers painted white by evil zoo leaders. I love white tigers.

The fellow shown here is the rare Sumatran Tiger. Only 400 of these guys exist! Think about that. If the Sumatran Tigers ever decided to start their own orchestra, that would mean around half of their population would have to have severe musical talent. These tigers average in at a svelt 198 pounds, meaning they're some of the most health-conscious tigers out there.

Indochinese Tigers are bulkier than Sumatran Tigers, so they're a bit slower. But they make up for it by eating lots of wild pig. To be honest, I don't really like these tigers. They refuse to live anywhere besides China, and it's that kind of elitist attitude that kept Easter Island out of the U.N. As far as I'm concerned, these tigers can go fuck themselves and go extinct.

These are just a few of the tigers I hope to talk about in the upcoming months. If you have suggestions for future tiger articles you'd like to see us tackle, be sure to e-mail me. Also, send a few e-mails to Rob so he'll have some material to work with. It's going to be tough on him, as there simply aren't enough tigers out there to do a Top 100 list on. If you have any videos or MP3s containing tiger stuff, send them to Dr. Rocket. Later in the day I'm changing the site's background colors to tiger stripes, and hopefully adding a tiger roar .wav sound on repeat as the background music.

Wait, I just got a copy of The Facts of Life Goes To Paris in the mail. Shit. Alright, scratch everything I just said. The site will no longer be about tigers. For now.

- Matt