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Germany's Finest Import: The Strangest Candy Of All Time!
Matt - 10/28/00


Note: I'm in the process of murdering several conglomerates, including, but not limited to: Compaq, AOL, and Hasbro. During the next week, things on the technical side will be hectic, as every conceivable thing with computers that could go wrong...has gone wrong! Just in time for Halloween! All you really need to know is that until I say otherwise, our X-E mail fwd'ers blow. If you've sent any of us mail after the 24th of this month, you may want to try resending it. I've set up a temporary, sexy account at xemattxe@hotmail.com. Send any mail there for the time being.


Well, the latest reason to deny God's existence arrived at my doorstep today. A couple of times in the past some of the great readers of the site have taken it upon themselves to mail their crap to me...basically trying to figure out if they were alone in thinking it was cursed. Today, reader 'Starbuck' made his contribution. Awhile back he had mentioned these 'candies from hell', citing that they were somehow even more incomprehensible than the famed Green Bamboo Peanuts. Obviously, I laughed such an asinine assumption off. After all..those peanuts chirped and had baby chickens in them. Nothing can come close to that.

I was wrong.

The first clue that something was amiss was that this...item...was candy from Germany. Now, I'm sure when you're in Germany, the idea of eating their candy seems completely fine. But the notion that someone's imported German candy to my house leaves me with some worries. Secondly, the candy's got Santa Claus all over it, meaning that, at the very least, it's almost a year old. But all this is child's play...these chocolate eggs hide a far deeper evil than any candy previously sheltered. Yes, these candies were satanic in their complete and total disregard for safety and sense.


Hitler's Chocolate Surprise Eggs!

When trying to create literal 'nonsense', a key element is to throw things from 15 different genres into one small package. Hitler's Chocolate Surprise Eggs succeed at that - combining Santa Claus and Easter Eggs into an alleged 'candy' that's verifiable for virtually any holiday.

Oddly enough, the return address on the mysterious box was from an army base. Hmmm. My first thought was that the enemy had infiltrated our forces' overseas bases and was trying to poison us from the inside, but then I remembered: Germany wouldn't waste chocolate like that. And my! The chocolate! Each egg is painstakingly crafted and formed with thin milk chocolate. Upon your first bite, (if you're a brave soul) you'll find it pretty suspicious to see that the chocolate on the underside is off-white in color and tastes more like detergent than candy.

Three of these evil cylinders arrived in the mail, reinforcing that this company really really wanted to go down for created the strangest candy in history. The box art features a completely satanic version of Santa Claus ringing a bell - and the guy seems to stare at you no matter what part of the room you're standing in. He's like one of those haunted paintings, only worse because you expect haunted paintings to frighten you. Not Santa.

The rest of the box isn't helping any - it's a mix of Christmas tree ornaments, demonic toys wearing sunglasses, and a whole lotta candles. The official, German name of this treat is Kinder Uberraschung, which vaguely translates to 'imminent death'. There's also a clear warning on the box. Now, here in...Da States, I can't seem to recall too many chocolates that are accompanied by a warning. Unfortunately, Kinder's warning, which managed to be a full paragraph long, is entirely in German. Smiles everyone, smiles!

If you think any of what I've mentioned so far is odd, you're wrong. I can deal with devilish Santas and food that's certainly way past it's expiration date...but I can't deal with the 'gimmick' they've chosen to give this candy. It's far too weird. The guy who sent these lovely eggs to me didn't pre-inform me of their hidden agenda, so I found out the hard way....these aren't your normal German Santa Claus chocolate Easter eggs in tin foil. Let's take a look...

Assessing the goods, you'll notice that these things are pretty similar to Cadbury Eggs, those chocolate egg treats with the creamy yolk center that's just about the most gooey, sugary thing on the planet. I've grown to be more of a starch person, but those things absolutely ruled my childhood. I was never big on chocolate, but I'd suck the sugaryolk out of those Cadbury Eggs like a fly. Unfortunately, German's version isn't filled with sweet candy. It's filled with something far more sinister.

Get your last look at the candy in it's 'normal' state. From here on out, total insanity. Now, I didn't fully inspect the first egg I opened..I just ignored all the warning signs and bit into it. It's a problem I've had for a long time. My tongue finds its way to all sorts of bad places. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can't resist licking the top of a 9-volt battery to get that little charge. But I digress - I bit into it, and immediately realized that this was 'candy' in the loosest sense of the word. Let's keep going...

Yes. Inside the chocolate egg is a giant fucking plastic pill. Not more chocolate, not sugaryolk, not even just hollow chocolatey air...a plastic pill. Imagine the conception of this one. For years, companies have tried and tried to keep little kids away from small, inedible parts that'd possibly cause them to choke, and for what?! It never works. Some little fool always finds a way...the lawsuits follow. Well some company in Germany finally smartened up. Why even try? Let's just make the choking hazards so blatant that we fully expect to be sued. Going to sleep knowing what the future holds, even if its bleak, is a whole lot easier than uncertainty. I'm with them! Giant plastic pills in the middle of candy for all!

We're not done.

The magic pills aren't there just to confuse and/or kill you. They're a far more deep-routed reason for all this. Kids love candy. And kids love toys. And that's about all kids love besides bragging about how much of them they have to other kids. But...what if we could combine the world of toys and the world of candy into one? What if we could create some mystical candy/toy HYBRID that'd send kids down a spiral of choking and euphoria like the world's never seen? Thus...the pill contains a toy. A...really fucking odd toy.

Yes, it's the MINI-FLITZER! It's just what you expected to be inside a piece of chocolate!!! It took me about 20 minutes to actually snap the picture...15 minutes was devoted to staring in shock, the other five choking. What the hell is going on? Why? Why?! The 'Mini-Flitzer' comes unassembled...but don't worry, its accompanied by it's own miniature instruction manual! I can't believe they managed to fit all of this into a plastic pill...inside a chocolate egg...for no good reason.

My curiousity was piqued, and let's not forget...there were more eggs. Surely, the company hadn't gone through the trouble to put a different toy in each different egg, right? Hmmm. Well, I needed to know. Hell, I knew that you needed to know. So I broke out the other three eggs from this package. Let's take a look at the findings...

I could feel my pulse begin to race...after all, these weren't shitty toys. These were mini-flitzers! You don't need to be a chocolate fan to appreciate that. So what could these new, mysterious pills hold? Presumably more unassembled cars? I wish. I wish it were that simple. But remember - this is the strangest candy of all time, just like the article title suggests. If all the eggs had little cars, it'd definitely be strange...but not the strangest. The point? It gets weirder...

Mini Model Train Sets and Mutant Animal Puzzles! So not only are the Germans sticking toys into their candy...they're sticking toys into their candy that don't make no sense! The train is rather pedestrian...it doesn't fit together well and appears to have a caboose devoted solely to tugging a load of black cake along, but other than that, not too weird. I should note that the thing also came unassembled, with no less than ten parts. They managed to fit ten train parts and the instructions into that stupid pill. It's no wonder that country's so efficient.

The animal puzzle, 'Sissi', is a little stranger though. I neglect to call these things 'animals', mainly because they look more like pieces to a puzzle. But that's what I just realized...these aren't puzzle pieces! They're actually supposed to be animals, with varied mutated body attributes ranging from two heads, one leg, or giant triangles coming out of their backs! If you ever meet a German foreign exchange student and they appear really fucked up, be patient. Just remember the types of toys they had to figure out as kids. It'd blow anyone's mind.

Oh, the animals also came with a tiny sticker of a face sticking it's tongue out. I'm not even going to attempt to field that one. The final egg in this container held what's by far the greatest prize. This one turned me into Germany's biggest fan...

Yes, somehow, inside CLEARLY LABELED CHRISTMAS CANDY, they put HALLOWEEN TOYS. I've never seen a piece of candy manage to conflict itself so many times in my life. The fact that they managed to combine not one, not two, but three holidays into ONE piece of chocolate was astounding enough...but check out the actual toy, and it gets even better!

YES! A CHOCOLATE CHRISTMAS EGG WITH A HALLOWEEN YETI INSIDE!!!! Holy SHIT. Okay, I'm a bit biased, I've got this thing for true myths/urban legends/crap like that, and the Yeti's long been one of my favorite legendary monsters to draw sketches of in phone books. I can't believe the Germans managed to immortalize him with such class - in this, the special detachable body parts edition! The thing even comes with removable shoes!

I've never accumulated such a haul just from breaking a few pieces of candy open. These Germans may be onto something here. Look at all that fun! Hours and hours of fun packed into four rancid pieces of chocolate! Now what's the most disturbing part about all this?

There's still eight left. Eight unopened eggs left. Now, I don't want to give myself a heart attack, I've had enough excitement for one night. But it's entirely possible that each of the remaining eight eggs have totally new and totally different toys in 'em. Can you keep going on with your daily routine knowing that?

The downside? A shitload of totally inedible chocolate. Still, Germany gets a big thumbs up for improving on the idea. Candy should be more than food. It should be a world of wonder. The Germans realized that...now it's the rest of the world's turn. So tonight, we honor those zany Germans, and their equally zany chocolate Hitler eggs. It's things like this that remind us not to judge a book by it's cover, and never to eat anything that has warnings you simply cannot read.

Results: Thumbs up!

- Matt
Temporary e-mail: xemattxe@hotmail.com
Thanks Starbuck!