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Coca Cola's Army of Robots!
Matt - 11/02/00


Coca Cola's secret plot to take over the world using high-tech special robots has gone virtually unnoticed for decades, with people stating, out of sheer fear, that the drink Coke over Pepsi because it 'tastes better'. It's time we bonded together, readers. Our silent but constant fear of Coca Cola's robots is hampering our natural soda selection - and it's time for it to stop. Now, I prefer Coke to Pepsi, but I feel for those drinking a second choice just because they don't want to be annihilated by Coca Cola's army of mechanical warriors.

It's a sad state of affairs, really, when competing soda companies need to resort to such devious plots to grab that all-important number one spot. Is it really that bad to be number two? Come now, surely the world has enough soda drinkers to warrant a good market share for all. We don't need robots forcing us to drink what we don't want to drink.

My first experience with this dastardly method of action came in the mid-80s. There were two cans sitting in front of me, Pepsi and Coke. We never really branched out to Mountain Dew and the like because frankly, they suck. Anyways, it went something like this.

There I was, the penultimate decision at hand. Coke or Pepsi? It's a question that's been pondered for decades upon decades, with everyone from us to Ray Charles to polar bears and even Paula Abdul casting their vote. Well, I had been drinking Coke literally since I was in the womb. I loved it, but this was one of those days where I felt the need to drink or eat something unusual so I'd feel rebellious. So I too could damn the man. I opted for the Pepsi...and then...something peculiar happened.

Sum'bitch transformed and attacked me, and made me put down the Pepsi! Now, I've seen some pretty hardcore guerilla tactics employed in company battles before, but this is out of hand. You don't sacrifice the safety of the consumer just to add a few more Coke drinkers to your little twisted belt of soda accomplishments. Under normal circumstances, I would've been positively elated that my Coke could grow legs, walk around, and talk to me....but under conditions like these? Eh eh, I think I'll pass.

While this little Sodabot paved the way for Coca Cola's mechanical demonspawn armies to infiltrate the beverage aisle, he certainly wasn't the leader of the pack. Seems like our good friend George Lucas has a pretty suspicious past behind him. Everyone knows that nowadays, Pepsi is the official advertising sponsor of Star Wars. If that's the case, how do you explain...this?!


Click To Hear The Midi That Drives The Point Home!

That's right. Cokebot. R2-D2 dressed up like a bottle of Coca Cola. The most sinister, twisted advertising cross-promotion of all time isn't without it's charm - this is just about the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen. If you're wondering how these fantastic bots came to be - they were simply used for promotional appearances by Coke during the initial Star Wars fad decades back. Yes, you heard right - appearances. Picture that. Three guys with radio controls and tinted amber sunglasses feverishly trying to walk really slow and look natural doing it behind this thing, while the 'audience' watching on begs the question: 'Would you please get the fuck out of my way?'

It's really a lost art. You can't get that close to the action anymore. But for those who sat and looked at this Cokebot, dreading the minute it went out of plain view and out of their life forever, Coca Cola presented a brillaint solution with their third robot:


COBOT!

Cobot was a smaller and more accessible version of the Cokebot...a Lucasfilm-licensed robot warrior who you could own. Though tiny next to his Cokebot comrade, Cobot came with a neat red radio controller that had an amazingly huge antennae.

Cobot was a rarity, and really hard to find today. It's so rare that people will refuse to buy them off the internet unless it's from a very reputable dealer and CHILDHOOD SCALPER MUAHAHAH! The most interesting thing about it is that it is an officially released product - not a bootleg - and Lucas really hasn't been known to do promotions where his trademarks and logos weren't shining all over the place.

I used to have the Kenner-released version of the radio-controlled R2, and looking at this one, it might even be a little better than that. I've heard it runs a lot smoother and with twice the stealth. Of course...it's all that caffiene. In any event, like him or not, Cobot presents an interesting alternative to a famous key scene in Return of the Jedi...

Luke: Come on gimme some that yum yum chocolate chip...honey dip!

C-3P0: Artoo--hrm...Cobot! That's Master Luke's symbol! You know what you must do! Send him his lightsaber!

Cobot: Bheweeep!

Luke: I have a bad feeling about this!! Shit! Shiiiit!

C-3P0: Oh Cobot you stupid bag of bolts! You fucked up! Master Luke's chances at survival are...7,333,333,342,670...to 1!

Cobot: Always Coca Cola...yeah! Doo doo doo doo doo! Doo-doo doo doo!

I'm not sure where that came from, but I'd be watching Return of the Jedi a lot more often if Luke had to overcome an army of Jabba's Halloween costumes with only a bottle of coke in hand.

Out of the Coke robots, Cobot is by far the most famous. The other robots might seethe with envy, but they really can't deny it considering the fanfare surrounding this guy. After all, it's not every robot who gets pins and buttons in their honor...

In fact, Cobot and Al Gore are the only robots I can think of who received such a distinction. I'm willing to put money on the fact that no more than two of these buttons still exist, but don't worry, Coke's got a few more robot tricks up their sleeve.

More robot minions! While the first one is just a chrome-painted wind-up powerless fool, the second one is pretty interesting. It appears to have the dual power to walk and be stuck to a window via the suction cup suspiciously placed atop it's antennae. I guess this was Coke's air attack force. While the second guy couldn't talk, Coke's dictating message was strategically placed right in his pelvis zone, which we all know is drawing your eyes attention faster than a free ice cream sign.

Rounding out Coke's forces is a contribution from all our friends over in Japan. All the previous robots just rolled around, it's getting pretty redundant. Japan decided to change the face of Coke robots a bit by eliminating movement altogether and seeking a new forum for forced marketing: subliminal advertising! Hence, we were given the R2-D2 Coca-Cola Radiobot.

He's two pounds of terror! Sneakily implanted into each song is an advertisement telling you that Coke is the way, but more importantly: this R2 radio, one of many versions out there, is by far the hardest to find and despite the fact that virtually none would work nowadays, costs a ton of cash.

So ends Coca Cola's robot reign. With all these mechanical monsters at their side, it's no wonder they're one of the leading sodas in the world. But what about Pepsi? How do they strike back against this menace? Well, I guess Coke copyrighted the idea of actual sodabots, but that doesn't mean Pepsi can't make robot coolers...

Will the madness never end? Take a stand, readers. Listen to that basketball player and obey your thirst.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com