There I was, minding my own business. It had been a boring night for the most part, Saturdays are notoriously bad for television reruns, and my VCR has chosen today to break, thus ruining my chances to create any kind of fun drinking game based on Clue. I accepted all this, and resigned myself to reading a heartfelt article about Kirk Cameron's return to television on the Growing Pains television movie. The idea that my Saturday night would be spent inside seemed sobering at first, but it kinda grew on me and I was enjoying my quiet weekend night. Until I got some expected company. Who decided to enter the house through my back door. And who could spit fire at will.

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Matt: Charmeleon?!

Charmeleon: Uhh...yeah. What, do you want me to repeat my name?

Matt: Isn't that all you Pokemon can do?

Charmeleon: No, some of us can talk. Meowth can talk. Sloking can talk. And some others can talk using psychic powers. They include--

Matt: I know who they include. Just sit down.

Matt: So...I was reading this article about Growing Pains. Gimme your best Tracey Gold impression.

Charmeleon: I would, but the mouth on this mask doesn't open, so I can't throw up what I ate for lunch.

Matt: Shit that was pretty harsh...

Charmeleon: Who do I look like, Dionne Warwick? I'm a fucking lizard, not an angel. I'm also stuck under 4'...you'd be pretty pissed too.

Matt: Okay...well...why are you here?

Charmeleon: I wanted to show off all the hot new toys I just bought. This shit'll blow you away. Obviously, I speak in the figurative sense. But seriously...these toys...they're bootlegs!

Matt: Oh I love those!

Charmeleon: I know! But you can't have any. They're mine. I'm just here to rub it in your face.

Charmeleon: Take a look at this...the Super Bird! This is great...they call it three different things on the package! Bootleg toys rock! It also falls apart if you try to play with it!

Charmeleon was right. This was the epitome of stupidity. On the front of the package, they call it the Super Bird. On the back of the package, its name has mysteriously changed to...Strange Bird. Finally, after you open it up and check the name on its wings? Silly bird.

Bootleg toys in general share a lot of consistencies and inconstincencies. For one, they all pretty much suck. They're really display pieces only...you try playing with these things and they immediately break. Secondly, the companies who create them are so unwilling to give it any attention, they can't even remember the names long enough to get it in the package correctly. They knew it was S-something, but the five seconds it would've taken to check up on it was entirely too much time to give a toy that's this shitty anyway.

More so than anything else though, the directions on them are absolutely ridiculous. You have to be tri-lingual and a NASA mechanic to understand them. Generally, they draw the figure in five or six different poses and then put arrows pointing to every forseeable part of it. No words, just arrows. Somehow, the steps are numbered, meaning there's a method hidden in the madness somewhere. Course, it's a mute point anyway...even if you could grasp the instructions, you'd have to touch the toy to complete what they're saying. And if you did that, the toy would assuredly break.

Charmeleon: Are you finished? Jesus... I got another one here. The bird's cooler, but check out the name on this guy: Warmblooded Fighter!

Matt: Can I have it? Please?

Charmeleon: No!

Charmeleon had struck gold again. As a toy, nothing really new to report. Just your typical Transformers ripoff, who for some reason, holds a six-shooter in robot mode. Somebody should tell the guy he could inflict way more damage just running into his enemies. The thing that really stands out about this one is the name: Warmblooded Fighter. No matter how you look at it, no matter what excuse you try to conjure up in that little head of yours: there's no way to make this name make any sense. Machines can't be warm blooded. They can't be cold blooded either. They have no fucking blood. Plus, its a lame name anyway. 'Hey, Warmblooded Fighter, want to go grab a drink?' Eh eh. Just doesn't work.

Charmeleon: La...la da dee dah!

Matt: i hate you...

Charmeleon: Who needs Disneyland when you got this?! Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun!

Matt: Is that...what I...think it is?

Charmeleon: Mmmm hmmm...

Matt: Oh my God. Planet of the Apes soap. Planet...of...the...Apes....SOAP?!

Charmeleon: Neat, huh?

Matt: Holy shit...it's the Dr. Zaius version! Dr. Zaius character soap! This is the coolest thing I've ever - OW! What the fuck was that for?!

Charmeleon: You know that little speech they give you at the Liberace Museum right before you go into the room with the world's largest cubic zirconium? 'Look but don't touch?' Same shit applies here. Eyes only, asshole.

Matt: That's it! That's it! You think you're so cool, waltzing in my house with all these bootleg toys thinking you're some hot lizard shit. Well, you stay right there - I'll be right back with a toy that will blow you away, Charmeleon!

Charmeleon: Shit! 25% off all scented soap?! That's unreal, I've been living under a rock. Oh my god...they're shaped like little pieces of fruit too?! If only my skin took to soap. I guess I could use it for display purposes in my guest bathroom though. I'd get one of those bejewelled soap dishes. This catalog is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen...if there's a coupon on the back cover for five dollars off anything in the store, I'll just have to commit suicide right here. Oh my!

Matt: Well well well. Here we are, Charmeleon. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen one of...these? Hmmmm? C'mon, CHAR, take a look.

Matt: A Green Bamboo Mystery Peanut. The absolute pinnacle in toy nonsense wonderment. It's a peanut...inside a package that only says 'Green Bamboo'. The only thing on the package is a computer-rendered tiger. And what's inside the peanut? Baby chickens that chirp - with a monument in the forest for a background! This peanut has gotten more play than...something. It's famous! Beat that!

Charmeleon: ::sighs:: Been there, done that.

Matt: OH. MY. GOD!

What the fuck? My life was over. There's very few things I can claim to be good at...but being on top of the mystery peanut mountain was certainly one of them. But now that Charmeleon just barges in with a new version of the peanut...life, as I knew it, was over. My legacy would have to shift. I'll have to find something new now. Maybe I can start collecting those little ceramic animal statues they gave out with boxes of tea or something. No matter how you look at it...I'm fucked.

Charmeleon: Isn't it nice? Mine looks a tad more interesting than yours. Oh, by the way, you need a shave. And it's 10 PM, take off your fucking sunglasses, diiiick.

Charmeleon struck me down in my moment of hysteria like the banshee devil he is, leaving me to ponder the eternal question: who in God's name would go through the trouble of updating the Green Bamboo Peanut?! Take a look at the comparison...

On the left you see the old one...the one we've all come to know and love. The one that garners me at least five monetary offers through e-mail a day. The holy one. On the right? Charmeleon's bastardized new version. Again, more chirping chickens. But the Chinese company who makes these things sought to bring copyright infringement to the table by adding a Tweety Bird background to the insanity.

As much as it pains me to say it, the new version actually works a bit better. The birds are on a farm background. That fits a little better than birds roaming around a cemetary in the forest. Also, these peanuts come bagged in a package that only says 'Toys'. No Green Bamboo. But they are Green Bamboo Peanuts. These new peanuts make even less than the originals? And that's what's driving me nuts. That's what makes them better.

Matt: This can't be happening. Charmeleon, don't you realize what this means? I've spent the last two years of my life living a lie. I don't have the only Green Bamboo Peanuts out there. If you, a Pokemon lizard could have them...lord only knows how many other people are out there holding these things. Everything I've been is a complete sham! And what if someone out there has a version that's got something besides frogs or chickens? How am I supposed to live with that?!

Charmeleon: That's an interesting question. Unfortunately, its time for bed. Later!

Matt: Would you say yes if I asked to borrow that new peanut?

Charmeleon: I would, under two specific premises, both of which are false. I'd say 'yes' if today was Opposite Day, or if I liked you even a little bit. Sorry!

Charmeleon: And I'm keeping that Bed, Bath, and Beyond catalog! Nite!

Matt: ::puffs:: I fucking hate Pokemon.