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X-E Breakup Stories VOLUME ONE
Robert Berry - 11/11/00


The responses to our call to have you submit your breakup stories to XE has been overwhelming! After reading through over 100 different entries so far, these are my current favorites I'd like to share. One would think there's no hope after reading all of these sad tales. But these are some particularly fun and memorable ones that are certainly the cream of the crop. Volume II is still in the works, so if you've got a story better than this, send them to me at liquorhead@x-entertainment.com.


"STAR WARS LOVE" by Carliownjinnobi
My boyfriend broke up with me because I love Star Wars "too much" as he put it. We went out for about 2 month before he got pissy about the whole thing. I'd made him dress up as Princess Leia and I as Luke Skywalker for a party we were going to, and of course cross dressing makes any party a more fun place to be. Since I was Jedi Luke, I had an excuse to wear black and a glove. I really seriously looked like a guy. Someone had a camera and took pictures of him in the bikini from ROTJ with my hands in the bra and bottom part, and sent them to me. I thought it was funny as hell, so I put them up on a website. So a few weeks after the party, he called me and made me take the photo down off the website, and he came over to me house and ripped up my copy. He even went through my computer and deleted my scanned copies. I didn't object or anything because he looked seriously pissed off. I asked him what was wrong, and he said his mother's coworker sent the picture to his mother, and his mother thought it was another guy with him. He tried to tell his mother it was just me, but she didn't believe him. He pretty much called our relationship off right then and there, and he and his parents moved out of state because they were afraid people would start rumors. Funny thing is, no one else even went to the site it was on.


"SHE'S GOT LEGS" by Legless Rival
So I got involved in a deeply loving, monogamous relationship with a girl I had known for about a day. Her name was Erin. She was five years older than me and had an amazing pair of legs. This was the girl for me; I was convinced that I had just found the love of my life. Ah, the stupidity of youth. We had been dating for about a two weeks when she asked to borrow my car. She needed to go to the store for some bullshit or another. Hey, why couldn't the love of my life borrow my car, right? I tossed her the keys and told her to pick up some milk. I guess what happened next was my fault. I mean, I really should have specified that driving my car to Mexico with three of her friends was completely unacceptable.  I also should have mentioned that taking my credit and ATM cards without my knowledge, was impolite at best. (Not that I found out about that until my statements arrived next month.) Of course, after she was gone for two days, I called the cops. Being mildly retarded, I filed a missing persons report. It didn't even cross my mind that she could have stolen the car. She was practically my wife! It didn't take the cops too long to find her once I discovered she was using my Visa. (I guess I should say used my Visa. She bowled right over my five thousand dollar credit limit in just three days). They brought her back, along with the remains of my car, in short order. Things kind of snow balled on me after that. It turns out Erin was actually thirty years old and had an astounding criminal record. The credit card company decided that her use of my card was authorized by me, and imposed full charges. I can't charge a pack of gum at this point. My bank account was bone dry and the freelance job couldn't cover the bills. I had to quit and take a job driving trucks for Fed Ex. I have to take the bus to work everyday since the insurance company declared my car totaled, and gave me the grand it was worth. (You can imagine where that money went.) I saw Erin one last time, in court. I charged her with everything they had in the book, but she walked away a free woman. Turns out I was a jilted lover, who was simply pressing charges in a lust for revenge. Who knew?  
 


"QUICK AND EASY" by JDanziger
Two years ago, my boyfriend and I were going through some tough times. We'd been fighting a lot, but I still wanted things to work out. One morning at school, he walked up to me, slapped my ass, and gave me the longest, most passionate kiss he'd ever given me. I was overjoyed. He looked me right in the eyes, and said, "It's over. Later."


"BREAK A LEG" by Jamal
Ahhh, the year was 1999.......Ricky Martin fever was spreading all around the world, wrestling was hitting it's peak in popularity, and a phenomenon known as Pokemon was poisoning the minds of children everywhere. Here I was, having met at a girl at a local grocery store of all places, we eventually started dating. Things were great at first.....I played all the cards right, showering her with flowers, candy, compliments, etc. I was the ideal boyfriend. However, I'm also a man, so my roaming eyes constantly scan for women. Now, I attend college and there are plenty of fine women to choose from, and one girl caught my eye. She was rather pretty and laughed at my often stupid comments in class, which is always a plus. Anyway, how could I ask this girl out when I already had a girlfriend?  I had an idea. Not just any idea, but an idea so clever....so innovative....so worthy of praise, that I kept it secret. Not even my dearest friends knew what I had in store for my soon to be ex-girlfriend. So I said these now famous words: "I hate to say this, but I'm going to ask another girl out......I'm sorry!" Yep, that's it. Straight to the point. This is where it gets fun. She gave me the verbal thrashing that would make Red Foxx blush. The language she was using was unreal. It's like she was making up new swear words as the rant raged on. She spent nearly 20 minutes explaining why I was such a jerk, and how someday I would hate what I saw in the mirror. Now, this all occurred at my house which is atop a pretty large hill. It was raining, it was muddy......but inclement weather would not stop her from slamming my door and leaving my life for good.......or so I thought! You see, when I looked out my window expecting to see her getting into her car.....she was nowhere to be seen. I went to look out the other window, and there she was. She had fallen down this wet, muddy, hill holding her leg. She broke her leg. In what is perhaps the worst breakup in history, I had to take my EX-girlfriend to the hospital, were she was treated for a broken leg and bruises. I don't see her much these days.....but there are times when I do, and she still hates me with a passion. I probably come across as a major asshole here, but hey......I got rid of her, and I did get the other girl to go out with me. And that relationship is going strong too :-) Well there you have it.......while it's not on the level of Kelly breaking up with Zach on 'Saved by the Bell', it's still a breakup I'll never soon forget.


"THE HEEL TURN" by Robowang
I had just started my Senior year of high school, and I'd been dating a girl named Megan since the end of the previous school year. I had suspicions she was seeing someone else. This guy was supposedly "just a friend," but I felt differently, being the overprotective bastard that I was. So I threatened to kill him if he didn't stop hanging out with Megan. He agreed, being a stupid weenie, and they stopped hanging out together. Well, other friends were standing in my way of total domination of every second of her existence, so I had to eliminate them, too. I tried to talk all her girlfriends into giving me more time with her. Eventually, Megan caught on to what I was doing and got VERY pissed. She wouldn't even hold hands anymore! So one day, we started arguing, and decided to take a break and think things through for a few days. Three days passed, and I took her home from school. We then broke up on her front porch. I was rather sad at first, but then the insanity took over. About two weeks later, I had a party. Megan had the gall to show up with that same guy-friend I told off previously. About a week earlier, I had buddied up to him to see if they were getting the hook-up, and he said that he had asked her out, and Megan had declined. This troubled me since I expected them to get together. I started chatting it up with them to see if they were a couple or not...when he was away, I asked her why she had said no to him. She claimed she had no idea what I was talking about. I told her that he had indeed said he asked her out, but she was now claiming that it never happened. So Megan started going NUTS. She started babbling incoherently...she went upstairs, blurted something out to her friend, and ran outside screaming that she was going to kill herself. I was still being a nice guy, so I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't listen to me. A few days later, we got into an argument about whether or not I had lied. Megan completely thought that I was lying about the situation, but in fact, I wasn't. She accused me of being a liar, at school, in front of all my friends. This pissed me off. I mean, I can take a lot of shit, but a liar I am not. Something clicked, and I completely lost my sanity for the next month or two. My life's goal was now vengeance. I would destroy Megan and deny her the worthless existence she made for herself. My power in the school was pretty high. I was Senior Class President, so I had some privileges, plus the admiration of most of the student body. I pulled a fistful of strings, and began to turn nearly all of Megan's friends against her, as well as most of the student body. After a few weeks, random people just started coming up to her and yelling "whore" or "slutbitch". I still wasn't done with her though. I had to completely crush her spirit. By this time, she had two friends left, who I was sure I could not sway to my side. What was left for me to do to her?  The Blonde Ironing Board. This symbol was included in a few homemade birthday cards given to friends of mine whose parties Megan dared to attend.  She was a rather flat chested girl, so the reference to an ironing board was pretty accurate. She was made to cry numerous times. Megan soon became suicidal, constantly declaring that she wanted to kill herself. So I was happy to oblige. I made sure she was the recipient of a shiny new plastic knife every day in lunch. Eventually, Megan left the school, never to be seen again. She might be dead. Maybe she just transferred. Hell if anyone cared. I guess the point is that evil triumphed for once. Yee haw!


"BEATINGS FOR BRIAN" by BRIAN
My sisters birthday, we went out with 10 people to a live theater where you can sit back and watch some comedy and drink some beers. I brought my girlfriend of 3 years with me. Only if I knew at the time what a mistake that was. See my girlfriend was a drunk. She was the type that called you at 3am stranded at a dance club with puke all over her. She was the type to start fights with other girls if they looked at me, or for any reason...if she was drunk. You know when you drink all night and wake up in the middle of sleeping to get some water..we'll she would wake up, chug some vodka from the bottle and return to her snoring slumber....why did I date her? Mostly because she had huge tits.  
So, back at my sisters birthday.. My girlfriend drank about 8 beers, 2 shots, and about 4 mixed drinks...I had probably 5 beers, and 1 shot. We get back to my place later that evening where she like always was slurring words and stumbling all over the place. I laughed at her for tripping over my rug and she decided to slap me. I grabbed her hand and asked her what the hell that was all about...she got mad cause I was holding her hand and slapped me with the other hand. So now I have been slapped twice.. So now I have both of her hands in my grasp...She didn't like that one bit. She pulled her hands from my grip and before I know it she punches me right in the eye, and once in the nose...yes I'm getting my ass kicked by my girlfriend.. I grab her and push her out my front door...slamming it while screaming to find at her to find a way home. (which was like 20 miles away).  I go to sleep. I wake up, call her house, she wasn't there. While I was on the phone the cops come to my door. I let them in. I have 3 charges against me.  

1. Domestic Violence
2. Assault
3. Unlawful Restraint

See my girlfriend called the cops when I wouldn't drive her home. She told the female officer that came to pick her up what happened (minus her punching me)...the female officer asked if she wanted to file charges, my girlfriend said no. That didn't matter- a new law that was nicknamed "THE OJ SIMPSON LAW" (a cop told me this) was put in effect here in Ohio...when a woman has ANY un-wanting contact from a male, the police can pick up the charges. In my case..it was holding her hands (so she wouldn't slap me), and pushing her out my front door... I went to jail for 3 days I spent a total of $8,000 in lawyers I had to go to court a total of 13 times, in 8 months. So now all the charges were dropped. I guess it took all that time to understand that my black eye and almost broken nose was just to much evidence that I wasn't doing any of the violence. My girlfriends evidence, a swollen hand...which the city claims was from me holding her hands down...NO IT WAS FROM HER PUNCHING ME!! So now I'm a paranoid freak of females...always collecting evidence every time I go on a date.. I had 2 phone calls this week from my X-girlfriend. She says she's sorry for everything she has done to me, and she wants to meet with me secretly. I hung up on her both times, hitting stop on my recorder that is hooked up to my phone...preparing to sue her back. Welcome to breakups in the year 2k. 


"GOD TELLS ALL" By Mary
I had been dating Brian for over two years when he dumped me. It was Christmas eve, and his first evening back from college. We were sitting in my living room chatting, when suddenly he announced that he had something to say. "I have something important to tell you... Ummm... We have to break up. God told me so." "What?!?!! I shrieked. Brian is not normally this, well, fanatical. In fact, he didn't believe in God the last time I had talked to him. "I was in my room one night, and God said 'Marry Janice' so I asked Janice, and she said that God had told her the same thing. So, I'm engaged already, and getting married in the summer." At this point I got up, went outside, drove away, and left him to deal with my parents.


"EYES WIDE SLUT" by Andy
A girl broke up with me because I saw EYES WIDE SHUT. I swear to God that we had started dating any time after that movie came out, we'd be married now. But she couldn't believe that I'd want to go see "that porn movie with Tom Cruise in it." We were going super fast in relationship mode, getting to know each other, all that good stuff. We went to see NOTTING HILL and the EWS preview came up. I gushed excitement. I've seen every movie Kubrick's ever made, read all the criticism, know all the fan-sites. I own A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (which didn't bother her even though the content is way way worse than EWS.) So I had to see EWS! It was two years in the making! Kubrick working with movie stars! Kubrick dealing with sex, the first really intelligent director to do so since Bertolucci. Kubrick's first film in 12 years. The film geek in me was conflicted with the side that doesn't want to die alone. The week before we had an argument about it, and I must just not have been listening to (! or ignoring) the parts when she was saying, "I'll break up with you if you go see that movie where Nicole Kidman gets naked." I went all by my lonesome to see this supposed masterpiece, which I really feel it was - a nice exclamation point to Kubrick's brilliant filmography, and I got home, called her up, told her, "Oh yeah, I saw that movie." Click . . . Three days later she handed me my subpoena, summoned to the court of lonely losers. I guess the sad/happy focus of this story (like when a clown dies) is that I chose a movie over a girl. The little endnote to this story is that I got a job writing movie reviews for the campus newspaper and I voted EYES WIDE SHUT as the best movie of the year. Out of spite? I don't know . . .


"EMAIL BREAKUP" by Ken

Q) What is the coldest thing a woman can do?
A) Break up by E-mail.

I got this email in my mailbox TODAY at 4:30. We had a one-night stand over the weekend at my party, and I sent her flowers in class today (Monday).. everyone all together - Awwwww. Well, I guess I should be glad I spent the night with a woman in the first place, but I'm not. Anyway, you guys read it, I think you will find it has that delicious two-faced, contemptibly cold and calculating and even evil undertone that only women are truly capable of. Email is a particularly cruel medium, because machines are dead objects, and you can't carry on a live conversation. The only thing worse I can think of is breaking up by chat window, I challenge you to find one of those, not because I want to see it, but because I'd just like to verify that some guy got shit on worse than me! To get the full effect
that I did, try echoing the words "Ouch!" and "ooh!" and "Man that's cold" to yourself out loud as you read it.


>Hi Ken,
>
>I think we need to clear up a couple of things. I had
>a good time at your party this weekend, and enjoyed
>meeting you. You are a very nice person. But things
>are moving way too fast. When Andy delivered the
>flowers to me in the middle of class today, I was quite
>upset. Class is the space in which I work, and for
>that space to be invaded upon really made me
>distraught. It made me uncomfortable.
>I probably gave you the wrong impression this weekend. 
>I am not looking for a relationship right now. In 6
>weeks, my life is going to change dramatically. I am
>finishing college, moving back home, and starting a
>job. I don't have time for a relationship, nor do I
>want one at that point. I know that I mislead you, but
>this cannot work for me at this point. The flowers
>were beautiful, and the gesture was nice, but I would
>prefer if that did not happen again. I'm not the type
>of person you want to be with at this point, and I
>really cannot be involved in a relationship with you. 
>I am very, very sorry if I hurt your feelings, and it
>was unintentional, I swear. But for who I am at this
>point in my life, this cannot work.
>
>Laura

Here is my Reply. I think I conveyed the proper amounts of Understanding, Confusion and Deep Hurt to maximize her guilt factor. I hope I don't make her feel too guilty, I closed with the statement that she could call me any time, but of course she won't.

>Wow,
>
>That was really cold. I'm sorry about the
>misunderstanding. You had me totally fooled, and I
>usually don't miss much!
>
>Why do you think you are the kind of person I wouldn't
>want to be with? Isn't that sort of my place to
judge? 
>The truth we both know is, I am the kind of person you
>don't want to be with.
>
>I also like to take things slower. I've never been a
>hooking-up kind of guy, and I guess I've always known
>that, and no amount of alcohol or music can really
>change that. I don't know if you've ever thrown a
great
>party, but there's a great deal of pressure involved in
>that, especially this last one, but that's besides the
>point.
>
>If you change your mind in the near or distant future,
>you can give me a call, it is OK, I'm pretty upset but
>it's nothing a few hours of Depeche mode won't fix.
>
>Don't worry, you won't hear from me again, and will
>likely never see me either (the remote exception being
>that I happen to be in the company of Harter or any of
>my other buds from the area).
>
>K


"STRAPON STRAPOFF" by Jake
About two years ago I moved in with my friend Richard. He was a nice enough guy, we shared groceries, he
wasn't too loud or messy and we seemed to get along great. Later that year I met Erika, she was a catch to say the least; 5'8", 110lbs. short dark brown hair, green eyes, almost a dead ringer for Wynona rider. We were together for about a year while Richard and I were roommates) then one day we watched a porno where a girl was using a strap-on. Erika became pretty fond of the idea of at least owning one if not using as well. I wondered silently to myself just who she would use it on and prayed she didn't have me in mind. well a week later she shows up at my house with a box that contained a lavender strap-on... she then proceeded to ask if she could use it on me!!!! I politely declined and thought it would be the end of that situation. not quite. one day I came home from work and noticed Erika's coat and bag were on the couch. Hmmmm. how I odd I thought, because Richard's door was closed and some curious noises were being emitted from the room.hence I decided to investigate. I opened the door and what did I find? Richard bent over taking it in the ass from my girlfriend!!!! so naturally I was a little pissed at what had gone on and started yelling at her for it. then she yelled back about how pissed she was that I wouldn't let her fuck me with the strap-on and she was entitled to find someone who would. I called her a stupid cunt and then Erika ran to the kitchen grabbed a knife and tried to stab me with it. that would have been more scary than funny really except for the fact that she was wearing the strap-on the whole time. I eventually wrestled the knife from her, informed both of them that the situation was a little too weird and I would be moving out and never speaking to either of them again. currently I would suppose that they're still enjoying their pseudo-homosexual relationship- pretty fucked up if ya ask me.


"CUFFED" by Sadutrangrandmaster
Last Valentines Day, my girlfriend's parents were having their second honeymoon in the Poconos. Naturally, my girlfriend and I made plans to have our special Valentines night at her house, complete with a nice dinner, a rented movie and some alone time in her bedroom.  What I didn't know is that she had caught wind of me cheating on her from a friend, and I was completely unaware that I was walking into an ambush.  After the dinner and movie, she gently suggested to me that we try using handcuffs, and of course like any male with a pulse I agreed.  Before I knew it, I was stripped to my boxers, my hands were handcuffed to the bed and my feet were tied with her bathrobe rope belt thing to the other end of the bed.  And to my dismay, instead of the blow I was hoping for, I got a blow square to my canons.  The pain! ! kept me from being able to fully break my bonds, so all I could do was plead with her, when at least a half dozen of her other friends walked in the door. Cameras were flashing and I was getting beat the fuck up.  Punches to the ribs, fingernails in my 2 best friends.  I guess eventually I passed out, because the next thing I remember is her dad walking in the next day and literally throwing me out of the house in my boxers.  Soon, there was emails to the school, my friends, all containing my "repeatedly hit in the nuts" pictures.  Needless to say, we broke up.


"WAS IT A DREAM?" By Dan
It all starts with my lame ex-girlfriend, who we will call "Skankarella." So anyway, one day I'm fast asleep at around 1pm. And then my phone rings. So, in my half-asleep stupor, I answer the phone, and apparently she breaks up with me, but then I fall back asleep. So when I wake up, I said to myself, "Well, you either had a dream you got dumped,or you actually did get dumped!" Later on I found out she used her friend's cell phone and called me from school to break up. The wacky part of the story is, we dumped a litre of pee on her car under cover of darkness.


"LOVE AUSTRALIAN STYLE" by Zak
When I was in my final year of high school, we had a school dance 3 or so weeks before graduation. As was tradition, I got extremely drunk during the dance (picnic tables at the park with all the other smashed idiots). Afterwards I latched onto a fellow drunk, who was a year below me. From this alcohol fuelled encounter, a relationship blossomed, which was a huge mistake. Why? As is tradition in Australia, the week proceeding graduation is known as schoolies week - 7 days of drunken revelry and shameless promiscuity. In eastern states, it's generally spent at Surfers Paradise, on the Gold Coast, a location for some reason, amplifies the hormones running through these teenagers. With the impending trip to the Coast looming, the "girlfriend" told me that because she wasn't going, it was ok if I got up to mischief with other people. WHAT A WOMAN! So naturally seizing this chance, I did - 3 times. Now before you start throwing daggers at me, let's look at the facts. Our relationship was based on a bullshit drunken moment that neither of us could properly recall. We'd been "dating" for 3 weeks at the most. And most importantly, SHE SAID IT WAS OK TO CHEAT ON HER. Naturally with her still at school that week, I did not expect to see her. What a surprise it was to have her pop up one day after hearing all the details of my sordidness from a mutual friend (which friend it was I am still trying to find out), and deliver the breakup. How did she break up with me? By writing a letter on a PIECE OF TOILET PAPER and shoving it in my hands as she stormed off. This piece of toilet paper is still in existence, even though it is perhaps one touch away from total disintegration due to the number of hands it has passed through. That note is legendary amongst people who we went to school with. If I had a scanner, I would send you it, but alas, I spent all my money on Fosters and Vegemite. If you would excuse me, I have to ride my Kangaroo to the cricket now.


"JESSICA FILMS IT" by Jane
you can call me "Jane" or really whatever the fuck you want, and my ex "John" or dickhead. (your pick) I, Jane*, had been dating fucker, John* for quite some time. 7 years to be exact. John* had a reputation for always leaving his door to his apartment unlocked and sometimes a little open. I didn't really care about it, it made no difference to me. It actually helped me to get in his apartment when I needed to. (with his permission of course) One night I went to his apartment pretty late (about 2 am) since I didn't get home till late to surprise him with the video camera that he wanted and I bought for him. When I got to his door it was open as usual. I heard him moaning, and you should be able to figure out what I thought he was doing. Normal for men. I went inside and turned on the camera to get him on film, the camera on, I opened his door to find 2 hookers he had picked up off the street fucking him. One riding his dick, the other let him suck her tits. I screamed at him and ran over to the hookers and pulled them off him by their hair. he tried to play it off by telling me to take off my clothes and fuck him, which I would have done had I not found him fucking with the whores. I then reminded him of our anniversary party with friends and family attending that next night. I told him to expect a surprise and I turned and ran out of his apartment, him running after me begging my forgiveness. The next night at the party everyone had arrived, John* looking at me sheepishly the whole time. I had everyone's attention, popped in the video which was connected to a big screen TV. (Reminder there are parents and grandparents there. we throw big parties) On came John* fucking the whores. John* was unaware I had taped it. He was beyond mortified and the family couldn't believe their eyes, shocked. I then said loudly. "Here is you precious John* being so faithful to me" I then turned to John* and said "I quit you fucking dicksucker" I left, and haven't seen or heard from John* or any of his family since. Pretty nice story eh? Thanks for listening. 
                                                                       


"CRAZY" by Milbert T. Jenkins
I was fucking my dog, Betsy, when my girlfriend, Propicia, caught me. She stuck a jelly belly in my ear and told me I was crazier than a fart in a duffel bag. Then I ate her penis.


Man, remind me to never set up anyone I know with you weirdos!

-Robert