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McDonald's Presents: the most important meal of the day!
Matt - 11/16/00

I've never been too big on the idea of eating breakfast, mainly because its an impossibility. Eating a bagel with some orange juice loses its luster when you wake up at 2 PM in the afternoon everyday. I've grown accustomed to accepting lunch as my officially most important meal of the day, but as fate would have it, yesterday I woke up at 8 AM. At first I was frightened, until I called my sister and she explained that sunlight couldn't hurt me. Then she informed me that all I needed to do was eat some breakfast.


Well shit, that'll be a problem. I don't stock food in this runs more like the candy bar at a movie theatre. And try as I might, I couldn't convince myself that my sister meant I should eat licorice. I knew that if I didn't want to dissapoint, I'd have to actually eat a morning food. Besides, I had a full day of vidcapping old episodes of Thundercats ahead of me...surely I'd need the energy. Unfortunately, other than Twizzlers, the only other food in my house was Easy Cheese. And as we all know, Easy Cheese is only good for three things:

Repairing broken ceramic Buddha statues...

Ruining horrible videos to protect yourself from ever having to watch them again...

And leaving cryptic messages on bathroom mirrors.

So I was left with a dilemma, and I knew there was only one place to turn. Fast food. I had heard rumors that these places served breakfast combos as late as 11:30 in some states, surely I'd be lucky enough to find one here. I gave up eating Burger King a long time ago after getting consecutively sick three times trying to eat those old Siamese mini-cheeseburgers they sold, so they weren't an option. No, there truly was only one place I could go. A place that's given me endless material, and some of my most blatantly stupid articles to date. McDonald's.

Ahhh, the national treasure. This isn't the first time I turned to McDonald's. In college, I turned to the Mickey D's down the street everyday for lunch in an effort to make myself really fat. It only half worked, so I ditched the idea after a few weeks and spent the next six months starving myself. Food and hobbies? What a great place...they haven't let me down before...they've given millions of people the opportunity to become obese eating lunch, there's no doubt in my mind that they'd balk at their chance to do it with breakfast too.

I debated over the menu options of this place, and the juices started flowing. No, not those juices...not the ones that start gushing around right before you eat. I'm talking about the other juices. The juices that implant a really bad idea into your brain and force you to believe it'll work. Sure, eating the food would've been...interesting. But what if I bought it to go, reviewed it, and found out some way to get an article out of it? The critical internal debate lasted only moments, mainly due to the huge, HUGE guy behind me who literally growled when I wasn't fast enough in my ordering I flipped a coin in my head, and here we are.


Arguably, most would say that the food from McDonald's tastes good. But few can deny there should be warning labels on everything you do eat from there, and that the food primarily is made up of substances as of yet undetermined. Now, I've grown accustomed to that with their lunch and dinner menus...sure, the 'hamburgers' might primarily be made up of worms and rats, and sure, chances are good that at least six flies make up those mysterious little crunchy balls you find in the packets of fries. But you take the good with the bad, I guess. But breakfast is a whole new phenomenon. I looked at the menu and realized that choosing any one particular food to review was limiting, so I just went all out and got the Deluxe Breakfast Value Meal.

Actually, I'm lying. I didn't get this because of the variety. I got this because this is the only McDonald's I've seen in the past five years that still uses the ultra-cool styrofoam containers. The guy running the register, a charming fellow by the name of Hank who managed to sneeze no less than five times into his gloveless hands, was awfully proud of the container. Sadly, I can't rate this value meal on presentation alone...we've gotta delve a bit deeper. And that's where we start running into a few problems.

Hmmm... Looks kinda like one of those plastic toy food sets, right? Well, its also got the same consistency, and if I was brave enough, I'd imagine the same taste. Note that I couldn't eat it...yes it was breakfast time, yeah I needed energy, but there's was something a little too eerie about all this. The first and major problem, of course, are the eggs. The eggs from another planet.

Look at these things! Eggs that can literally stand up under their own power. Yes, McDonald's official egg sticks. Scrambled and formed into convenient cylinders of sheer, edible ovulation, the eggs obviously aren't meant for eating. You know that, and I know that. So why would McDonald's give you eggs that you aren't supposed to eat? Eggs that shine vibrant colors, are about 5" tall, and solid as a rock? Well, the human mind always looks for a logical explanation. And based on what I'm seeing, these eggs do serve a purpose...

I had heard that McDonald's was a pillar of promotion in the various rave cultures across the world, and with that, the answer was clear: these aren't eggs at all! McDonald's knows that not every raver out there can afford to go out and buy a glowstick everytime there's a they created the next best thing! Shiny egg sticks!

The pancakes brought up a few more questions. Why no syrup? Why the smell of ammonia? What's with those little black crust dots?

I think the entire meal was 3.99. So at least I can't complain about the price...a lot of people waste four bucks here and there. But some of you might be a little concerned over the meal's nutritional value. If you ate this entire meal, you'd be consuming...get this...1070 calories, 50 grams of fat, and 119 carbohydrates. You might as well swallow rocks covered in olive oil. Now, McDonald's isn't stupid...they don't offer up this info when you make a purchase. That'd be like showing every girl you meet at the bar the mole shaped like a parrot on your ass while trying to pick them up. But, if you search hard enough on their website, the nutritional values are available to you. Its kind of like that chapter in the Bible that clearly states God was black. Its well hidden, but it needs to be in there somewhere.

Meanwhile, a hash brown and some orange juice, the only conceivably edible parts of the meal, are also included. Note how the bag couldn't contain itself from getting grease stains all over it. Its really amazing that we eat this stuff. Without fail, you feel like shit afterwards, you arteries get clogged in increments of 3%, and you probably lose two weeks off your life. We eat it simply because everyone else does...if we all get fat and die, there's not much to be embarassed about. We just take pity on the people who eat it everyday, reveling in our glory as mere once-a-weekers. Its time for us to get off our golden arches and realize...we just shouldn't be eating this. You can smoke a pack of cigarettes for breakfast with better results. Or at least, that works out better for me. In any event, just because Grimace looks cute doesn't mean the food he's peddling isn't evil. Remember, people have even almost died drinking McDonald's coffee. After hearing that, how can you expect survival downing their real food?

So, as a reccomendation, I'm torn. It did have the foam container, but it really wasn't all that edible. Then again, I'm not sure even the greatest food would look to palatable after going through an hour long photo session at room temperature, so I'll just leave the caveat emptor warning on this one, and let you figure the rest out for yourselves. Now, before I go, its time for another edition of the McDonald's Who's That Bastard Again? game....

And that bastard is! Mac Tonight. In the late 80s, McDonald's sought to boost their sales to the adult market, and some executive on drugs convinced everyone that the best route would be to make a new character who wore suits and sung jazz tunes. Mac Tonight was born. A guy who had a giant sunglasses-wearin' moon for a head might've seemed like the perfect way to corner the mature audience, and his commercial tunes were kinda catchy, but in the end, Mac Tonight ended up being nothing more than a flavor of the month. Like Mayor McCheese, nobody's quite sure what happened to the guy, but a more specific way of putting it would be that nobody really cares. Once people figure out what the fuck Grimace is supposed to be, then they'll start backtracking.

- Matt
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