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Penitentiary II - Mr. T, Winston, And The Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word 'Sucka' Of All Time!
Matt - 11/20/00


Continuing on with Penitentiary II...now we're getting to the good stuff. Before we begin, I should mention that there's actually a third installment in this series, meaning that, believe it or not, there's at least three awful movies out there that have the word 'penitentiary' in 'em. Food for thought, and while we're on the topic of food, let's take a look at what I found to be the most disturbing scene in the flick..

Half Dead's escaped, back at home, and with a girl who I could've sworn he announced as his foster mother. I really could be wrong on this, but the bitch looks 60. Stay with me on this one, its really fucked up. Anyway, the fossil walks in carrying fried chicken. Christ, were any of these actors even remotely insulted by the script? I really hope Ernie Hudson got paid millions for this. I don't imagine an early role as a murdering rapist who eats fried chicken would be a great thing for the ol' resume.

Ugh.

Well, this is pretty odd. Half Dead and Almost Dead have a psychotic staring contest. This comes from out of nowhere, or at the very least, Hudson speaks so low that you honestly can't hear a word he's saying. By the way, he also holds the movie's 'sucka' record. In this sequence alone, we hear the word 16 times by my count. In any event, this strange staring ritual serves as a preshow to the real action...

HOLY SHIT, he's smothering mashed potatoes all over his foster mother and fucking having sex with her?! WHY IN GOD'S NAME?! At this point, I turned off the tape, left the room, and went as far as ordering the WWF Survivor Series PPV in order to keep myself as far away from this movie for as long as I possibly could. I swear to God, that's how it happened. I literally forced myself to shell out 40 bucks so I wouldn't have to watch Ernie Hudson lick potatoes off his grandmother's tits. Stone Cold killed Triple H. Then I went back downstairs and finished watching this monstrosity, only slightly healed and much fuller of licorice than I had been previously...

Mr. T continues turning Too Sweet from novice boxer into world champ, all the while shouting every syllable that comes to mind with amazing fury. I didn't mention this earlier, but T has already kicked the crap out of two people, and tried to kill another boxer that pulled a knife on him. Yes, he's one of the good guys. And as the following newspapers headlines show, all this tough training is really paying off for Too Sweet, who has less of a boxing physique than the portable heater in my face right now.

The future looks bright, and its not healthy to workout and train all the time, so our heroes need a little rest and relaxation at the park for a picnic. Of course, fried chicken, which actually has more scenes in this movie than most of the cast, is being served...

Mr. T gets buzay wit da ladies, who for some reason are dressed in gold plasticwrap. Given what we've already seen, I'm not going to make a big deal over mystery chicks wearing gold foil who were somehow cordially invited to the family picnic, but I will say this: whatever Mr. T's drinking - it doesn't need a goblet that big.

Anyway, there's reason to celebrate. I did some research, and in the first movie of this series, Too Sweet fought some guy named Jesse at prison. Well, Jesse is now the boxing champion. I'm just as lost as you are. But as fate would have it, Too Sweet's climbed the ranks, and this young stud will soon have his chance against Jesse...for the coveted welterweight championship of the world! Currently held by an inmate!

Half Dead: Sucka sucka sucka sucka sucka.

Loosely translated, Half Dead reveals his plot: he put a ton of money on Jesse to win the fight, so now they gotta make damn sure Too Sweet loses. Its a win/win deal for Ernie. He gets money and revenge. I'm amazed that a guy who rolls around in his underwear getting excited by old women covered in mashed potatoes found a way to kill two birds with one stone, but hey, they've gotta tie all this shit together somehow.

Fight time, and the crowd is restless! The fight's being held from jail, so in keeping with this movie's tradition of making little sense, it shouldn't come as a surprise that the inmates are allowed to roam free with the rest of the audience. I didn't vidcap it since there's only so much even I can take, but there's around 10 subplots going on in the audience at this point -- namely a inmate midget who convinces a lovely young lady in the audience to climb under the ring with him to have sex. And to think, this movie only ran me 2.99.

Too Sweet meditates before the match, but gets attacked by Half Dead who's wearing the most inconspicuous disguise I've ever seen - a clown suit. Yeah, way to blend in. Nobody will draw their attention to the guy walking around with the giant rainbow afro. Half Dead informs Too Sweet that his cronies are at his sister's house, and they'll murder his family if he wins the fight. For added measure, he kicks the shit out of him. Why take chances?

Call him what you will, but Half Dead's no liar. His cronies are at his sister's house, and they will kill his family if he wins. The bad guys sit around, managing to fend off two people and a kid with one kitchen knife they barely seem interested in while drinking all the wine.

MATCH TIME - AMAZING SCENE ALERT: Mr. T comes through the curtain. Or, more specifically: Mr. T comes through the curtain wielding a smoking genie lamp. Remember the seven 'W's? They all apply. I won't begin to think of the genie lamp's significance, what religion T is, or how someone on the editing floor didn't catch this scene as one of the writer's momentary bouts of insanity, but jeez, this is just creepy.

A bunch of ugly women sing a song that's announced as our nation's anthem, but is actually a completely different song that I've never heard of. The cheerleaders consist of a bunch of women with asses even too large for an early 80s blacksploitation film, and we're all set to go!

Too Sweet pretends to fight, and only he knows what's really going on: he must lose the fight, or his sister dies. So while he avoids Jesse's punches, he refuses to throw any of his own. This works out great for us, since we get to see Mr. T literally blow out a lung screaming on the outside. Eventually, Sweet loses his ability to dodge, and takes some big punches to the face, all of which make him spew out at least two gallons of fake blood.

Things are looking grim, and by this point, the people watching this movie are starting to question their faith thinking that the movie could potentially drone on for another twenty minutes, so its time to do something ridiculous to wrap it up.

In this case, the cronies leave the knife on the couch and stick their faces right in front of the television, leaving Sweet's sister and her husband to break lamps over their heads. Using the special teleportation device, they manage to show up at the boxing arena 30 seconds later.

Too Sweet: Siztah, izzat you?

Sister: Iz me, brother. Iz me. I love you.

Too Sweet: If you be heah, that means you be safe, right?

Sister: I'm safe, brother. I love you.

Too Sweet: And if you be safe, dat means I can get up, even though the referee should've counted to 50 by now, right?

Sister: Right.

Too Sweet: Then I best be kickin' some ass, siztah!

Too Sweet mounts an amazing offensive and makes an outstanding comeback to the awe of all. He wins the fight, the gold, the glory, and yes...THE RESPECT OF LITTLE KIDS.

Meanwhile, don't forget, Half Dead is somewhere in the arena. Wearing a clown suit. But don't worry, the true hero of this story is taking care of that...

Via murder. Yes, Mr. T kills Half Dead. Under normal circumstances, you'd think there'd be some ultimate ramifications for killing a man in the middle of the locker room instead of, say, telling the police a wanted criminal was on the scene, but I guess manslaughter wasn't adopted as an official law until 1983. Out of all the scenes in this movie, I'd say Mr. T snapping Ernie Hudson's neck ranks the highest on the 'what will cause a bunch of drunk dorm kids to cheer-o-meter'.

Game over. Too Sweet is the champ. Long live the Alliance.

And if you think what you've just seen is scary, remember...

There's two more of these suckas out there somewhere.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com

Penitentiary II wasn't the only movie with a ridiculous rape scene...check out The Evil Dead!

More Mr. T action can be found on X-E: Check out the Mr. T on Conan!!