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X-E Special: The Exorcist
Matt - 11/02/00


For those of you who've never had the distinct pleasure of watching Linda Blair vomit, I've taken the liberty of recreating one of the most enthralling, chilling horror dramas of all time. So without further adieu, I present to you...






Regan: Okay Captain Howdy, you can have my soul, but only on one condition. Teach me how to masturbate with a cross.

Later...


Chris & Other Guy: Welllllll...first you go rip rip rip! Then ya go snip snip snip! Then ya put in a zip zip zip! Straight up to the hip hip hip! And as you strip strip strip! You shiver! Quiver! For that soft caress! As you slip slip slip...into that little black dress!


Chris: Man, I love showtunes. Hey, what do you do for a living?

Other Guy: I'm a priest.

Chris: Odd. I'm an atheist, but the only people I seem to hang around with are priests. Thank the nonexistent God I balance things out with all those lawyer friends. PS, I'm an actress.

Other Guy: Have you been following the election at all?

Chris: If Bush wins...so help me..if that fucker wins, mark my words, I'll hang myself or move to Chile. Bush is like one of those really old metal calculators they used to use. Its probably not a good idea to handle your official documents with it, but even if you could, its so damn ugly that you shouldn't want to anyway.


AND THEN: THE SHOCKING URINATION.



Regan: You're gonna die in there.

Other Guy: Where?

Regan: There.

Other Guy: Could you be a little more descri--

Regan: LET JESUS FUCK YOU!




What's wrong with Regan? Is she losing her mind? DOES THE DEVIL OWN HER SOUL? Does she have the flu? Her mother, Chris, is obviously worried. You can't have daughters spoiling your dinner parties by waltzing in the room, pissing, and telling people they're going to die. Likewise, she's also concerned for Regan's health. Somewhat.


Regan: Mommy, what's wrong with me?

Chris: Regan, honey, there's nothing to be concerned about. You're not possessed by Satan. You're just going crazy. Now try to get some sleep...I know you'll be fine in the morning.

Regan: Mommy, can I ask you a question?

Chris: Of course you can, honey.

Regan: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY MAGGOTS?!





THE NEXT DAY:



Chris: Regan...Regan? Are you awake? How are you feeling? Would you like some...blueberry pancakes?


Regan: DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE DID? YOUR CUNTING DAUGHTER! SHE VOTED FOR BUSH!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Chris: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chris was never a religious woman. In fact, she's the type of person who'll sit you down and explain to you exactly why God can't possibly exist. If you try to give her a Christmas present, she'll kick you in the groin. But times are desperate, and she's starting to feel hopeless. People have faked faith for far less grave circumstances than daughters possessed by demons. So, she turned to Priest Lando.


Chris: Father, will you help my daughter?

Lando: Nahhh.

Chris: Please, she needs help! Satan has her soul!

Lando: OH! Shit foo', I thought this was one of dem things where you wanted me to watch da sucka on Sunday mornings so you and da man could have a little privacy. Sounds like you need an exorcist!

Chris: Are you an exorcist?

Lando: Please! I'm not even a priest! But tell you what..you go stay with da child for today...come back tomorrow, and I'll see if I had found mahself one of dem exorcists, okay?





THE NEXT DAY...



Chris: Regan...its Thursday. Please don't tell me you're still possessed. Come on, its time to wake up. Mommy's got a new pair of shoes.


Chris: AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!

Regan: AU OU OOH AU! I call upon the imps! I call upon Desgeega! The demons shall inherit thy world, the demons shall!


Regan: Evil Evil Evil!

Chris: WHO put that 20' Virgin Mary statue in the room? Who did this?! You, you did this, didn't you?! Don't lie to me, lowly butler!

Butler: Madam, I am Jewish. I'd do no such thing. However, check under the couch. I left some kickass hats there.

Chris: Oh Jesus. And I meant that in the 'its a saying!' way, don't get any ideas.

Later...


Chris: Father, things have gotten worse. So much worse, you wouldn't believe it if I told you.

Lando: Hmmm..by any chance, did your daughter morph into a demon that looks a lot like Mattel's Masters of the Universe Horde figure, Mantennae?

Chris: How did you know?!!

Lando: ::sighs:: They all do. Okay, yesterday when I said I'd go check, that was just my special way of saying 'get the Hell out of my face, cracka.' But I swear, this time, I'll really check. Just give me one more day. I'll find you an exorcist, even if its the goddam' last thing I go and do!





THE FOLLOWING DAY...



Chris: Regan, honey, I have good news. This is your last day possessed by Satan! My priest friend is going uptown to find us an exorcist. We're gonna drive the devil right outta you! And you know what we're gonna do after that? We'll go ice skating! Remember how much you used to love ice skating...haha, I remember the time you accidentally ran over your father's foot. You got some serious brownie points with me that day baby....baby? Regan? Hon?

...

Chris: Oh...my...God.






THE FINAL DAY OF RECKONING AND DESPAIR



Lando: Now that's what I'm talking about.

Chris: Great. Do you have an exorcist or not?

Lando: Don't you go doubtin'. I got da man. In fact, I best be getting up and to your abode right now to meet 'im.

Chris: Alright, sounds good.

Lando: You know what an abode is right? Izza house! See, abode is Spanish or some shit for...

Chris: Father, I know what abode means, thank you. Can we get going?

With that, its time for Regan to meet her destiny. Can she be saved...or is it too late? Nobody knows for sure, but there's only one thing for certain. Her fate lies in the hands of one man.


EXORCIST ACKBAR.






Lando: So man, what da plan?

Exorcist Ackbar: Its really quite simple, Father. All you need to do is jump off the ledge, crack your neck, and die. Do this, and Regan's saved.

Lando: Wait a second...don't you have to die too?

Exorcist Ackbar: Naw, last minute rewrite to the script. You must've missed it. Now let's see some jumpin'!


Lando: AHHHHHHHHH!





EPILOGUE



Chris: Oh baby, I'm so glad you're okay. I was worried sick. And all that vomiting totally killed my appetite.

Regan: Oh Mom, you're such a worrywart! I faked the whole thing! One of those 'get back at Dad for leaving' deals. Guess it didn't work. Tee hee!

Chris: I'm going to forget you just told me that...but only this once. Should you ever repeat it, so help me God, the devil will be the least of your worries. Anyway, I bought you a present. Just my way of saying its nice to have you back with the living again. Its a Kitpop! A lollipop with all sorts of Swiss Army Knife gadgets! I bet you're not so regretful about that whole demonic possession thing now! Look what it got you!


Regan: You're great, Mom. Anyway, can you believe Bush won the election?

Chris: Excuse me?

Regan: Bush won the election. I heard it on the radio this morning while I was lacing up my underwear.


Chris: NOOOOOOOOOO!





THE END.


- Matt
matt@dotcult.com