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Santa Claws: His SLAY Bells Are Ringing!
Matt - 12/19/00


Jeez, the holidays really creep up on you. Readers, you and I are in for a busy week! Its December 19th now, meaning I have less than a week to review every bad Christmas movie and cartoon I can find! We've already conquered two sides of the spectrum with Christmas Evil and Christmas Vacation, so now its time to tackle another field....CHRISTMAS HORROR PORN!!!


SANTA CLAWS. In keeping with the holiday tradition of bad puns, listen to the tagline of this movie: 'His Slay Bells Are Ringing!' The worst part is, that line is a thousand times wittier than this entire film. I have a new respect for every bad movie I've previously reviewed. I'm not kidding, we've taken a look at some of the world's worst films, and everytime we hit a new low, I'm positive that we simply can't get any lower. This? I don't even know how to explain this! Its made, quite proudly, by Independent Cinema. By 'independent', they mean they have no budget and the movie was entirely ad libbed using actors found by dragging pizza delivery boys into the 'studio' and hiring the strippers even HBO special producers would turn down.

A mystic myopia of tits, shitty murders, and completely negating plot developments, I sat watching 'Santa Claws' for around 80 minutes a little while ago, praying for someone to please tell me why I chose to do this with my fucking life. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! BAD MOVIE AFTER BAD MOVIE - AND THEY JUST KEEP GETTING WORSE AND WORSE! I'm not kidding you, I have a hard time believing that this movie was made by any sort of company. I used to make movies in the 4th grade with my friends. The plot circles around me wearing a Beetlejuice mask sending out my 'goons' to destroy my neighbor, whose heroism was defined by his donning of the illustrious Dick Tracy Halloween costume. Usually, the films consisted entirely of Dick Tracy Boy and someone in an old Madballs mask battling it out using empty wrapping paper rolls until I audibly yelled for one of them to fall down. AND THOSE MOVIES MADE 50,000 TIMES MORE SENSE THAN THIS ONE.

I had a hard time figuring out what Santa Claws was supposed to be. Its certainly not a horror movie. I've seen more brutality on Three's Company than in this movie. Its not really a porn flick. A few chicks get naked, and the camera stares at their tits...but by the same token, there's also scenes where the camera stares at parked cars and ceilings for no reason. Its not a comedy, because well, it just ain't funny. Oh no, have I stumbled onto one of those incredibly smart artsy films without even realizing it? Is this one of those movies that's supposed to make you think? Maybe that's it. Maybe the tits are symbolic for something else. Maybe the killer's use of a fucking fork was supposed to teach us that the pen is truly mightier than the shitty movie with a four dollar budget. Maybe that's the case, but I'm more inclined to believe that this special holiday tale was simply made by the biggest bunch of talentless hacks ever assembled.

The worst part is, John Russo, who co-wrote Night of the Living Dead, directed this film. The world hasn't seen this bad of a turn for the worse since Judith Light came onto an informercial and told us...yes...she had acne while working on Who's The Boss? I'd offer up the historical background of the making of Santa Claws, but it seems like all the evidence has properly been destroyed. So let's just do the review - the two-page review from Hell.

HOW THE STUPID KILLER WENT INSANE:


Reviewing all these GOD AWFUL MOVIES FROM HADES has really developed my understanding of movie-making. If there's a killer, we need to find out what happened to him as a child to turn him into such a crazy psychopath. In this case, the psycho's name is Wayne. And Wayne? This is your life!


I wasn't sure what to make of the opening scene. We see an old, fat naked guy put on a Santa hat and order his old, fat girlfriend to remove the bra. She complies, and we get our first sign of the movie's trademark frontal nudity. I've taken the liberty of putting the smiley faces over all the nipples, for a few reasons. Number one, a lot of you read the site from work. And if there's anything you shouldn't get fired over, its this stupid movie. Secondly, it appears as though they only cast girls who had their nipples chewed on by raccoons. I'm not joking. If memory serves, and you know, its been a long time...girls' tits aren't mangled. Every nipple in this movie looks like the surface of Mars. So I'm just gonna do everyone a favor and block out the bastards.


Kid Wayne wanders in, and is visibly upset. Turns out his father died, and this is Mommy's new boyfriend. He tried to tolerate the situation before, but he just can't stomach watching his fat ass bounce off his mother's crotch. After weighing the options out, he just shoots the both of them. We don't see them get shot, that would take a little production work. So understand this for the rest of the review: any type of shot that would require some form of actual work or production will not be seen. Instead, we get a smiling child who looks more like he's giggling than psychotic shoot a cap-gun, and after six shots with some dubbed-in screaming, the camera shows mom and boyfriend, covered in what appears to be red stickers. I guess they're dead. And Wayne is fully established as a lunatic! Fast foward to the present! Yes!


Oh my God, somehow the opening sequences from this movie and That Girl have intertwined! THE HORROR! Actually, no, these are the real credits. We're not sure why we're being treated to watching some girl stroll across the city in what's supposed to be a scary horror movie yet, but trust me, by the time the end credits roll....WE STILL WON'T KNOW WHY.


Note to self: if you're ever putting together a movie, don't put your starring credits at the beginning when your cast is made up entirely of people nobody has ever heard of. What, were people gonna form a cheering squad when Grant Kramer's name came on the screen? This goes on for about ten minutes. The actual action/content scenes account for around three minutes of the whole movie. So to fill in the rest of the 84, we get scenes like this. Or in most cases, scenes like the one below. Horrible, softcore porn that wouldn't get a drunken sailor with a hand-massager taped to his crotch hard.


Meet nude 'actress' number one. Inside the 'Scream' studios, we're enlightened to watch a hideously long montage of what by all means is the worst actress on the planet make a vain attempt to shake her ass, something that's apparently a problem for her, since she moves with all the stealth and sexiness of the trademark drunk bum at the end of all of the trains across the nation. I think the director was just impressed that any chick would get naked for this movie, so he tried to get as much mileage as he could out of her. There's also a clever ploy - we're seeing it in the way they're shooting it, meaning there's no reason to create a remotely interesting set. The backdrop of two plastic Christmas trees will suffice.

And now, for something completely different...


Wayne's all grown up now. He looks a lot like Kurt Cobain, only more like a Kurt Cobain who should've killed himself. Wayne's obsessed with Raven, the sultry seductress horror actress who doubles as our glorious main star. She doesn't show her tits often, but when she does, the rental ratings go through the roof! Anyway, Wayne receives his very own limited edition statue of Raven's bust. Not her tits, mind you. Her actual torso. So he does what any normal psychotic would do...


He molests it! This clues us in on a few things. First off, Wayne isn't just a psycho, he's also psychotically in love with Raven. Secondly, its a clear cut and pretty bold exclaimation that this movie sucks and its going to continue to suck until I destroy the video cassette. Let me explain to you how bad of an actor the guy playing Wayne actually is. Several poignant parts of the plot call for Wayne to either scream or say something in a particular psychotic voice. Apparently, he's really bad at that, since any scene where he's wearing a mask or has his back turned comes complete with a dub job that would make even the old Americanized Godzilla film translators blush. Thankfully, Wayne doesn't get a sex scene. They save those for the fat guys.


Wayne continues his obsession as I continue to bash my head in for screencapping this movie. Tonight could've been very simple for me. I bought a Mr. Potato head. Surely I could've gotten an easy, nice, fun article out of Mr. Potato Head. No, I had to run to the movie store, and I had to insist that the clerk take his ass to the back and bring out the box of movies too embarassing to put on the shelves. Just remember, I did it all for you. You can thank me later by kicking me in the spine.

Wayne worships Raven at his self-made shrine, which I find pretty disturbing because I use to have one made for Paula Adbul that looked mighty similar. And I used to kill people with a fork and stumble on my scripted lines too. I'm Wayne! Uck, even his name is annoying. Wayne. Do you know any Waynes that you actually enjoy the company of? Its a veritable synonym for 'useless' and 'moron'. Just hearing it drives me insane, so its no big surprise that Wayne insists on saying his own name 500 times per scene.


Wayne's Fantasy


We're priviledged to take a look inside Wayne's mind, where he dreams about Raven seducing him. I guess he really didn't look hard enough at his mom fucking that fat guy. He's got a pretty distorted view of what's sexy, as evidenced by Raven's totally inappropriate 'dance' which is comprised of her smearing her lipstick across her cheeks six times. Speaking of Raven, she's got some issues of her own...


Here's the scoop: Raven is in the adult horror entertainment business. You know its bad when you're not good enough for horror or adult movies, or even adult horror movies. When you're only good enough to be cast as an actress in adult horror movies, you've got some serious work to do on your skills. Anyway, Raven isn't the only one in the business - her estranged husband is also there. He's a cameraman, and they're having some problems they hope to work out. The lovely blonde hags you see above are his mother and sister - THE TWO WORST ACTRESSES GOD HAS EVER CREATED. I've seen B movies, and even though the actors are bad a lot of the times, you can tell that they actually do believe they're actors. These two jokes are nothing of the kind. Calling them pseudoactresses would be an insult to any woman who's made a career by holding her stomach on an antacid commercials. Point is, these two in-laws hate Raven. Why? Because she's a trampy slut (yes, a trampy slut) who's setting a bad example for her kids. Soooo...what's her husband up to?


He's off having sex with the woman he's supposed to be photographing! That devil! WHAT ARE WE WATCHING HERE? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A HORROR MOVIE. IT CLEARLY STATED HORROR MOVIE ON THE COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED VIDEO BOX! At this point I'm not sure if I'm watching Santa Claws or a homemade remake of Melrose Place. I'm sure they both suck, but I'd like to at least see someone die here. I paid the 99 cents for my five days. Give me death.


Well, what do you know? Interesting plot twist, Raven and Wayne live right next door to each other? Thanks for making that totally unclear earlier, director!

Raven is pretty busy with all her various titty movies and the like, and since her husband is off in what appears to be the same house having sex with someone else, she needs some help with the kids. She knows her in-laws hate her, so she doesn't want to ask them to babysit again. Well thank God Wayne's here, since he offers to watch her kids for her! What a nice little freak. Raven doesn't seem to have the slightest idea that Wayne's constant bouts with remaining conscious while talking to her might make it pretty tough for him to babysit, but like I said, she needs someone to babysit, and this movie absolutely sucks. And hey, let's check in with the husband...one more time!


Ah! Still getting laid! Lucky fat old guy! I'm relatively sure that the guy who plays the cheating husband also played Joey Buttafuoco (I'm not checking the spelling for that guy, sorry) in that awful made-for-tv documentary. So at least there's some serious star power behind this powerhouse of a movie. I'm looking at the girl he's cheating on his wife with. Okay, so she's probably a double D-cup, but her forehead is at least a triple D. She looks like that Lobot guy from Empire Strikes Back. I could rewrite every article on this site on her forehead and still have room to draw three ducks playing tennis. And I apologize for getting off track on the forehead issue...I'm just doing anything I can to draw attention away from the actual plot of this movie. Which, I remind you, is still completely uncertain.


Raven and Wayne chat on the couch, where Wayne is nothing short of probing with his assault of questions about Raven's line of work. Remember, Raven's a dummy, she doesn't know that Wayne secretly worships her, or that he killed his mother, or that he's, no offense, just too ugly to be seen speaking to. She doesn't know all that, but she does know that she doesn't appreciate these types of questions. Wayne apologizes for being so nosey and goes a little psychotic, but still....no horror. Well, intentional horror at least. Watching this was a lot more disturbing than watching Silence of the Lambs or any of that stuff.


Wayne goes home and continues to take out his agressions by yelling at the Raven shrine. In this scene, we get our first look at the future murder weapon: a garden hoe. This thing was ridiculous. Anything, ANYTHING would've been more ominous. Its things like this that caused me to research the film as best I could and find out if it was supposed to be bad. I've seen Amazon Women From The Moon. Its horrible, but its supposed to be horrible. Sadly, I think we're supposed to be taking all of this quite seriously.


She's Baaaack! Yes, the flimsy stripper has returned, only this time, she's got props! We are literally seduced by the sexy usage of cardboard red ribbon and a teddy bear. Or at least, I think we are. I'm really not sure. Whatever libido I had left was killed by seeing that naked fat guy at the start of the movie. If you find the pics above at all saucy, by all means, go for yours. Get yourself lucky. Personally, the mother from the Family Circus has turned me on more than this shit.


Stripper girl gets out of the shower, giving us a clear view of the tits. I've blocked them out again, but I reiterate: its for your own good. She sits down at the studio's makeshift dressing room...a small affair littered with cans of spray paint, trademark green desk lamps, and mannequinns, where she properly dolls up her ass for another round of photo shooting.

Its in this scene that we'll get our first killing. Consider this post the preliminary to the real action. To wet your appetites, here's a preview of some of the things you'll see in Part Two! of this article...

* Wayne buys a Santa Claus suit!
* Wayne wears a Santa Claus suit!
* Wayne gets knocked down a flight of stairs...in a Santa Claus suit.


Its all in part two. Click here to continue! I can't really reccomend that you continue, but you've already gotten this far. You may as well treat yourself to the 'good stuff'. That is, if I can ever find it.

- Matt
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