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Santa Claws: His SLAY Bells Are Ringing!
Matt - 12/19/00


Well, we've already seen a lot. Santa Claws tried to survive without a plot, murder, or comprehensible line for the first half of the movie, and barely survived. Now that Wayne remember that he's supposed to kill people, let's see how the second half pans out...


Wayne shows up with the aforementioned garden hook from Hell, and murders the stripping bimbo. The reasons aren't clearly stated, one of the movie's trademarks which I've decided to find charming for the sake of my own personal sanity. Anyway, remember, I said any scene that would call for some real production isn't going to be found here, so we don't actually see the murder take place. We hear some screams, and the next thing you know, the poor stripper is covered sporadically in red corn syrup. Its interested that the Fork Weapon™ leaves such scattered marks, but at least this means we won't have to sit through another 20 minute montage of a cameraman shouting 'that's the ticket!' while stripper girl shakes her ass.


For added measure, Wayne also kills Raven's movie producer. I wish he killed this movie's producer, but that would just leave so many questions left unanswered. Questions like...why did you choose to make such an awful movie? Did those pants cost more than this entire movie did to make? Why is this movie called Santa Claws, anyway? You know, questions like that.


Raven and Wayne continue to talk about stuff totally unrelated to the movie. But she does bring up that her friend from work and the producer have mysteriously dissapeared. Wayne tries to cover for the murders by suggesting that they ran off and got married, but Raven insists that she really doesn't care enough to even mention either of them again. Out of sight, out of mind.

If you're curious as to what Wayne's doing with all these dead bodies, look no further. With the backdrop of the worst Christmas song ever that completely negates whatever feelings and emotions the scene is meant to envoke, here's the answer:


Wayne's just dumping them out in the woods. What, you thought he was doing something odd or unique with 'em? Wouldn't that call for an iota of creativity of this movie's part? C'mon, we've been through a lot already. You should know better.

Meanwhile, remember, Wayne's killing all these people while he's supposed to be babysitting Raven's kids. Because they're stupid, they didn't play up on it, but it actually serves a purpose. Wayne now has an alibi! How can he be killing anyone with a fork when he was watching Raven's kids? Actually, how could he kill anyone with a friggin fork anyway? So here's what he's doing...


Everytime he watches the kids, he sticks sleeping pills into their hot chocolate. No, he doesn't kill them. Wayne might be a psycho, but he's not heartless. Once they're nestled in their beds, dreaming of the next night they can be drugged unconscious, Wayne goes out on the town with his bloody hook. For some reason, this scene is cut into thirty second intervals, alternating with another scene of some random chick flashing her breasts. I don't know if there was supposed to be some subliminal message within all of this somewhere, all I know is that I still think the movie sucks.


And there we go! Finally, a gleaming hope that the movie's title will actually make sense. Wayne is very excited to get his Santa costume, and rightfully so! That black facemask he was previously employing was doing little to hide his identity. Partly because it was see-through, and partly because Wayne kept taking it off midway through a killing for no apparent reason.

I really wish I would've started this week's holiday review rundown with Snoopy instead. Snoopy's a cartoon dog who doesn't speak, yet he gets across messages with twice the ease of anyone in this flick. I used to side with Charlie on Snoopy being a crass commercialism sellout, but seriously, at this point, I'd rather be writing an in-depth analysis of those two fat gospel singers from Amen. Anyway, Wayne needs to test out how good murder feels while dressed like Santa...


Hmmm. That's odd. I don't remember this girl being in the movie before. Yet, there Wayne is, killing her! Haha! Right in her house! Well now, isn't this nice! Random, unknown girl getting killed! The emphathy I feel for the random, unknown girl, it kills me! It really does! But if you think its weird that we're taking a look at Wayne killing Random, Unknown Girl for no reason, consider this!


We also see Random, Unknown Girl take a shower!


We also see Random, Unknown Girl listen to her answering machine messages in the company of her friendly cat!


We also see Random, Unknown Girl, who had just taken a shower, get back in the tub to fondle her breasts!

Well well well! Let's hear it for Random, Unknown Girl! A true movie legend!


While Raven struts her stuff at the Scream studios, her husband apparently had a change of heart and came home. Either that, or one of the positions he and that girl tried out took his line of sight away from her chest and onto her forehead. Whatever the case, he comes home to find that no one is watching the kids, and that the kids have been drugged. Obviously, he's pretty pissed off. Sure, he had abandoned his family to get laid, but he didn't drug any children. There's really only one thing left for Eric to do.


Call the in-laws. God no, please, PLEASE, not them again. I'm telling you, there is an audible thirty second pause where its clear they don't know when to say their lines. The evil mother-in-law telling her son that Raven's a little bitch loses all its mighty luser when you have to wait 45 minutes for the delivery. I'm not going to go back and check, but its possible that Wayne ends up killing the in-laws. Actually, let's just say that he does, which gives this movie at least one instance of a good scene.

Thankfully, its time for the movie's idea of a climax. Brace yourselves.


Eric meets up with Raven and explains that Wayne had drugged their kids and took off. At first, Raven is confused. Where could Wayne go? He obviously didn't have any friends. And who the hell drugs the kids they're babysitting if they have to go to the laundromat? This puzzle was looking completely wrong...until Wayne showed up in a black ski-mask/Santa outfit combo, pointing the stupid fork in their direction.

Wayne details his past: his love for Raven, the people he's murdered, and his plans to murder her husband. Only its not Wayne saying this...its a dub job. Why? No idea. I didn't make this movie. I have no desire to make people die watching videos.


Wayne pretty much gets his ass kicked. Eric knocks him down the stairs two of three times, but Raven delivers the death blow by using his very own fork to kill him. POETIC JUSTICE. You go, girl! Wayne professes his love for Raven on his dying breath, while the two unfortunate survivors hug and breathe a fresh sigh of relief that they'll never have to step foot on the set of this movie again.


The final scene shows the happy family on Christmas morning. Raven, Raven honey? Hello, your husband just had a 20 minute sex scene with a hooker with a giant forehead. What about that?! Conveniently forgotten by the movie, much like the movie was conveniently forgotten by the general population of Earth. This actually was the most disturbing scene in the movie. Santa Claws was apparently meant to be a softcore porn/horror movie hybrid. There's something unsettling about this happy family Christmas closing out the show. Oh well, maybe they'll all get killed in Santa Claws II. Don't think it won't happen...even movies like Troll ended up getting sequels.

Overall Rating: 4 out of 5 attempts at suicide while watching. It would've been 5 out of 5, but sticking the pen in my eye was more of a punishment for renting this than an actual cry for help.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com

PS, as some of you know, our media guru, Dr. Rocket threw a little X-E shindig over in Ohio this past weekend at Gameworks.


SANTA WITH PEANUTS!

As you can see, it was a historic event. Rocket decided to detail the events of the mayhem, but be forewarned, there's involvement from a Jar Jar Binks bank. Click here to see what went down! Amazingly enough, I actually have to give you fair warning: contains nudity! And a big shout out to Rocket for braving the ice storm and a buncha nutjobs in Decepticon t-shirts! Hope you all had fun!