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Santa & The Robo Force Phone's Easy Bake Oven Adventure!
Matt - 11/09/00

Snowman: Well, Christmas is upon us, and all's looking well. Everyone's presents are safe, and we're all just waiting for that fabulous Christmas snow to come down from the sky. Things are shaping up quite nicely...much better than they were last year. Last, what a tale. But I'm sure you remember that story. You don't? You've never heard the story of the Easy Bake Oven? My oh my....pull up a chair. Its a doozy.

It all started when a young boy got an early Christmas present in the form of XXXX's Easy Bake Oven. He always wanted one of those, along with always wanting a yellow kitchen apron and bold colored lipstick. Finally, thanks to the holiday spirit of giving, a step in the right direction. Elaborately wrapped in such a way that the neighbors wouldn't realize our young friend was receiving little girls' toys as presents, he was absolutely elated that he too could turn black powder into little tiny cookies.

Unfortunately, our friend had some errands to run, and that's where things started to get interesting. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh! HEH! HAHAHAH! I think I'll let them tell the story from here...

Santa Claus: Well? Should we?

Robo Force Phone: He'll kill us if he finds out we opened it. I think we better find something else to do. Let's get away from this thing though...its making it tough to resist.

Santa Claus: Yeah, true that, Robo Force Phone. True that. Let's watch television instead.

Robo Force Phone: So what's this show called again?

Santa Claus: Ab Fab. Its one of my faves. This is the episode where Eddie and Patsy snort talcum powder and play ping pong. What do you think so far?

Robo Force Phone: Dude I can smell the pre-packaged frosting from here...its killing me.

Santa Claus: Yup, same here. Well, at least we tried. Let's bake some cakes!

Santa Claus: These instructions were apparently written with the dyslexic in mind. I can't figure out anything, but I'm pretty sure we have to use a 100-watt bulb in the oven.

Robo Force Phone: 100-watt? Fuck Santa, we've only got 60-watts. Damn 2 for 1 sales...

Santa Claus: Please, its not a big deal. If this 'food' can be cooked simply by putting it next to a lightbulb, I don't think 40 watts is going to make that much of a difference. And besides, my mouth doesn't open, and you don't have one at all. Its not like we're going to eat it anyway.

Robo Force Phone: Cookies, brownies...hmmm, what should we make?

Santa Claus: What am I, a Magic 8-Ball? You're the one with all the computer tell me.

Robo Force Phone: Well, considering the fact that neither of us have articulated hands, shaping 'dough' into little cookie balls won't prove easy. And there's something unsettling about this brownie says we have to use grease and flour. Looks like there's only one option left. Yellow cake.

Santa Claus: With a name as clever as that, its gotta be good!

Santa Claus: Christ you're old. Look at that phone, you don't even offer touch-tone capabilities! You're useless!

Robo Force Phone: I'm happy to see that you're so enarmored in the pleasant holiday spirit, Santa. Make sure you only use three teaspoons of water, otherwise this thing'll never cook.

Santa Claus: Yeah yeah I know the drill. I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like I was a 5-year old. At least I have hands and feet.

Robo Force Phone: Pretty low, Santa.

Robo Force Phone: You're putting it into the wrong slot, you idiot! That's the cooling shelf! It won't cook there!

Santa Claus: If you don't appreciate the way I cook, you're more than welcome to order in.

Robo Force Phone: But Santa!

Santa Claus: I don't want to hear it! All you do is complain! I don't think you comprehend how difficult it is for a 45-year-old broken toy who can't move its arms to bake a cake. Try it yourself, then we'll see how critical you are. Anyway, we have 15 minutes to kill.

Tarkin: What in the bloody Hell are you two doing?!

Robo Force Phone: Trying to get the bugs out of the Hubble Telescope. What does it look like we're doing?! We're baking a cake!

Tarkin: Cake?

Santa Claus: Robo Force Phone speaks English, we don't need a translator. Yes cake. What are you doing?

Tarkin: I'm on a quest for silver and gold. Silver and gold.

Snowman: Silver and gold! Silver and gold! Um..duh nuh nuh nuh...nuh nuh nahhh! Silver and goooold....nuh nuh...nuh nah nah nah? Fucking memory.

Santa Claus: Man this 15 minutes feels like hours!

Robo Force Phone: Shhhh... I'll trade you a pack of A-Team and a pack of Dallas for those Howard The Duck cards.

Santa Claus: Are you insane? A duck who reads playboy, and you think I'll give that up for Dallas? Time to check your logistics circuits, pal.

Santa Claus: Doesn't look quite right.

Robo Force Phone: I don't know. It sorta fits in with that avante/minimalist crap. All we have to do is call it 'outsider art' and we'll make a fortune! How much time left?

Santa Claus: A few minutes. This cake better be good.

Robo Force Phone: Holy shit, did you know that if a Great White Shark gets caught in a fishing net, it'll die in just minutes because it has to keep moving in order to breathe? How do these guys sleep, anyway? Amazing!

Santa Claus: Will you shut the fuck up? Its time for cake!

Robo Force Phone: Finally!

Robo Force Phone: Hmm. Interesting results, wouldn't you say?

Santa Claus: I dunno, man. This looks like the stuff that makes people go get their cars washed a lot quicker than usual. I'm not eating this. You?

Robo Force Phone: I don't have a mouth, remember?

Santa Claus: Blessing in disguise if you ask me. Uh oh...I think I just heard the front door. Quick, we gotta get this back on top of the computer desk!

Santa Claus: Push!! Push!! PUSH!!

Robo Force Phone: I have no arms and legs! Shit!

Matt: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Santa Claus: Oh. No...

Santa Claus: Now...before you jump to any conclusions about your toys coming to life and opening your Christmas presents...I have a perfectly logical explanation..

Matt: I hope you do! Since when do I have a Robo-Force Phone?!!!

Santa Claus: ....Merry Christmas? Yeah, that's it. Merrrrry Christmas!

Snowman: And that's how it went. Christmas almost didn't come for our little friend. Yes, things are moving much smoother this year. This'll be a great Christmas, to segue into a great new year of peace, prosperity, and wholesome music awards shows. Not like that time...oh what was it? Just a few years back now...

Snowman: Shirley Manson showed her nipple on stage! Ah, but that's another story in itself. Maybe next time. Have a wonderful holiday!

- Matt

While I've got your attention, I'm sure many of you will be off the next for the next few days, so I just wanted to wish everyone out there a great holiday! Its been a tremendous 9 months or so here at the site, and without your great support, we would never have imagined it could come this far. Big thanks to Robert Berry, my partner in crime on the site - a tremendous talent and a good friend whom I'm sure I'll be working with for years to come. Big thanks to Chris, who you know as Dr. Rocket, for helping us turn this site from not just commenting on the pop culture, but to actually presenting it. I don't know where I'd be without those two guys. Extra special thanks to all the regulars over on the forum, whose support through the thick and thin has been a huge motivator and greatly appreciated. Also, huge thanks to the sites that've helped us get where we are today: StileProject, Cloud10, Penismightier, Fark, Something Awful, Penny Arcade, School of Ass, Newgrounds, Fugly, Chris Mooney and UGO, and all the rest. Finally, whether your a hardcore or casual reader, a big thanks to you! Have a great holiday!