previous article | | next article
Thundercats: Exodus ...The TRUE Story.
Matt - 12/29/00

Thundercats: Exodus
'Its the fabulous first episode!'

Panthro: Yo, Jaga! Lidden up, we gots a problem heah! It looks like our homeworld is about to blow!

Jaga: The ominous red glow kinda filled us in, you idiot. Why the Hell am I the only cat here who wears clothes? We come from Thundera, not a nudist colony. Will the rest of you please cover your asses? This is Thundercats, not friggin Shaka Zulu.

Jaga: Cheetara, bring me Lion-o. On a silver platter!

Cheetara: Okay. Wait...are you serious about the platter?

Jaga: Oh for Christ's sake. Thank God I'll be dead soon.

Cheetara: Lion-o, wake up! Jaga has a surprise for you!

Lion-o: JESUS CHRIST CHEETARA! I can see your melons!

Cheetara: My what?

Lion-o: Your bazookas!

Cheetara: What are you talking about, kid?

Lion-o: Christ I go to sleep for ten minutes and this place turns into Lord of the Flies!

Cheetara: Well, what do you think?

Lion-o: Very supple! You don't have any nipples, though. And technically, you should have six.

Cheetara: I'm not talking about my tits, you idiot! I mean what do you think about Jaga's surprise?

Lion-o: I dunno. We're still in my bedroom, remember?

Cheetara: Oh yeah. Well, c'mon, let's go.

Lion-o: Hey you old bastard, I hear you've got a surprise for me.

Jaga: 'Surprise'. An interesting choice of words. Please, look at the ship's outside viewscreen. I think you'll find it absolutely fascinating.

Jaga: That is our homeworld, Thundera. It just exploded. All your friends are dead, you are now a homeless tramp. The Thundercats' lives shall forever be changed. Maybe for the better, but more likely for the worse.


Jaga: Well, you know how they say the best way to get into a cold pool is to just jump right in, head first? What did you want me to do, tiptoe around the issue for the next six months? Wouldn't you find it strange that nobody's mentioning Thundera and that we were all floating around aimlessly in space? Come on, Lion-o. I'm all for a suitable period of grieving, but enough is enough. Thundera's gone, its time to move on. Come, I have something to show you.

Lion-o: Holy cow its the Sword of Omens!

Jaga: Call it whatever you want...Sword of Omens, Betsy, Excalibur...all that really matters is that this thing slices and dices like nobody's business. Its also...alive.

Lion-o: Alive, Jaga?

Jaga: Who are you, Ed McMahon? I don't need some fat old guy repeating my lines. I'm fat enough and old enough to do it myself. So yes...its alive.

Lion-o: Well..what can it do?

Jaga: Do you see a sign on my forehead saying to turn to page three for the owner's manual? I have no idea what it does...just use it, and don't lose it. Its worth a lot of money. Maybe even thousands.

Lion-o: Wow, if I hocked this thing...I could afford genitals!

Jaga: Shut up. Now, back to the control room...its time to talk to the Cats.

Jaga: Just look at you all! Pitiful!!

Jaga: As if its not bad enough that I have to hang around you losers all the time...I have to stare at your bare asses too? Its time for you all to start wearing some clothes. Even the freaking Berbils cover their secret parts.

Tigra: Jaga, we don't have any secret parts! Look at me...look at my pelvic region. See anything? Come on Jaga, LOOK! There's nothing wrong with looking...I check yours out constantly.

Jaga: Yeah, if the rumors are true you do, Tigra. I've heard enough. From this day forth, no Thundercat will dare claim nudist rights! Remember all those powers I allegedly have? Well, its time to manifest them in the form of...clothes!

Panthro: Hooo DAMN blue is mah color. And Jaga, Jaga man, you is mah BRUDDA.

Tigra: ...the joke's on you, Jaga. Soon as you die, I'm ripping off these clothes. Tigra...wild and free.


Panthro: We've got a situation here! MUTANTS! Mutants are invading the ship!

Jaga: Oh fuck. God dammit...Lion-o, go hide the sword. Cheetara, put up the shields. Panthro, say something completely off topic.

Panthro: If you eat lemons raw, you'll ruin the enamel on your teeth.

Jaga: Excellent.

Sslythe: YESSSSS! YESSSS! YESSSS! SSSSSSS! SSSSSS! SSSSS! Ssssoon, the Eye of Thundera shall be ours! I told you guys that if the seperate mutant races joined as one, we could just fail together and avoid all these unnecessary conflicts amongsssst each other! Monkian, what do you say to that?!

Monkian: Hoo hoo hoo!

Sslythe: Little one, don't delude yourself. We're three giant, scary mutants. You're a slight feline with a drinking problem. Give us the sword, and we'll make your death quick and painless.


Jaga: Well thank goodness that's over with. Unfortunately, the ship won't last forever and we have no home to go to. Panthro, any ideas?

Panthro: Some, yeah.

Jaga: ....

Cheetara: ....

Jaga: Well are you gonna tell us or not?!

Panthro: Oh, you wanted to hear them?! Sorry...

Panthro: Yeah, the way I see it, the only place we can go is this Third Earth planet. Its not much, but I hear they've got robot bears and maybe even a Devil Priest living there.

Tigra: Shit I love places with culture!

Cheetara: Sounds like a real melting pot!

Jaga: Third Earth it is, then. Unfortunately, a trip like that will take ten years. Ten long years. Listen, I spent my childhood reading books about frog biology when I should've been out getting laid and stealing milk. I can't have the rest of you waste your good years too. Everyone, into the stasis pods. I'll pilot the ship for as long as I can, or until I die. Either way, don't expect to see me again unless I'm glowing like Obi-Wan.

Panthro: Are you out of your mind?! You get into the stasis pod...I'll pilot the ship. Nobody likes me anyway. Fucking racists.

Jaga: Panthro, look at me. I'm old and withered.

Panthro: Skinny, worthless, and parasitic, too.

Jaga: Right...if anyone is going to die, it should be me.

Panthro: Point well taken.

Tigra: Well I'll be damned! Looks like we won't have to kill Jaga while he sleeps after all!

Cheetara: Keep quiet, you!

Jaga: Don't worry, Lion-o. You just don't understand what happens to Thundercats when they die. We don't go away...we just turn blue. And we can appear anywhere we want, at any time! But best of all..our physiques improve tenfold!

Lion-o: Wow...can I die too?

Jaga: Fuck that, its my glory time. Get in the pod.

Lion-o: Shit, I have to go to the bathroom! Let me out! Let me out! Oh, fuck it. No one will ever know. Feces has gotta evaporate after ten years, right?

Jaga: My stars..I really am an old bastard. I mean, I've never really kept track, but I've got to be like...800 years old! In cat years, that makes me...oh my god I'm over 5,000 years old! And no way to contact Guiness. Christ, what a lousy life. That's it, I'm dead.

Ten Years Later....

Snarf: (Comments deleted...Snarf doesn't deserve any lines. Even in a parody. - Matt)

Lion-o: That is without a doubt the funniest joke I've ever heard, Snarf! You da man! Wait a second...look at me! I'm all grown up! And, at the risk of tooting my own horn...I'm pretty damn sexy!

Lion-o: Why, look at my hands! So smooth! And I didn't even wash dishes with Palmolive! I'm a natural stud, Snarf!

Monkian: HOO HOO!

Lion-o: Oh for the love of god! Have these guys been following us for the past ten years?! Jesus!

Snarf: Snarf Snarf! So are ya gonna fight 'em? Gonna kill 'em?

Lion-o: Are you insane? I'm a twelve year old in a 25 year old male stripper's body. I'm gonna find myself a woman. Let Tigra and Panthro deal with these guys. Its time for Lion-o to live a little!

Snarf: Snarf!

To Be Continued?

- Matt

PS - as a sidenote, I'd like to take this time to announce that we're the first site on the net to officially produce a picture of Cheetara's tits. Its a proud day, my friends. To commemorate this proud day, here's zillions of pictures of Lion-o. Click here!