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Stupid Saved By The Bell Character Profiles - #1 - A.C. Slater
Presented by Matt on 04/15/00

Saved By The Bell is unique in it's duplicity. On one hand, it's probably one of the worst-scripted, most inane television shows in history. On the other hand, it's sheer magic.

How many episodes of it have you seen? Honestly, think about it. You've probably watched the fucking show at least a thousand times. You've personally wondered why Kelly wasn't a member of the 'Zack Attack' band. You never quite understood why, at the graduation ceremony, the gang was the last ones to receive their diplomas. Or whether or not Screech (Dustin Diamond) was really Mike D from the Beastie Boys' brother.

Saved By The Bell also gave us some of the cookiest characters ever. I consider it my personal duty to tell you about each and every one of them, so look for more of these as the weeks and months go by. I've decided to kick it off though with the one character with the least amount of annoying characteristics: Slater.

A.C. Slater: Out of the whole bunch, Slater was voted the classmate most likely to not cause a shoe to be thrown at the television. While the script dictated that he spew off more than his fair share of corny, completely illogical lines...he didn't cause any suicide attempts among viewers.

For a character that ran about a deep as a puddle, Slater was by far the deepest one on the entire show. Who can forget his reaction over the loss of his pet chameleon, Artie? Zack and Screech, who were left with the grave duty of watching Artie while Slater was away, somehow goofed up and the stupid lizard died. Normally, a dead chameleon calls for about 30 seconds of grief and maybe an extra toilet flush. Not for Slater. He took it hard. They actually had to have an official funeral for the thing. Note that, for some reason, this funeral took place within the halls of Bayside High School, which the kids seemed to have infinite access to, no matter what time of night it was.

Slater dated Jessie, who would later go on to find greater success and a green skin tone in the movie Showgirls. They had a hate love relationship, and only seemed affectionate or even remotely like a couple for about three episodes, despite being together for over half of the series' years-long run. A common Slater/Jessie conversation went something like this:

Slater: Hey mama... ::laugh track...::
Jessie: Hey! Don't call me mama! This snow white is liberated! You pig!
Slater: I'm hungry, where do you want to eat?
Jessie: Slater, don't be a fool. You know there's only one place on the planet that supplies food.
Slater: Oh yeah! The Max! So what are you gonna get?
Jessie: You know the only food that exists on the planet is a hamburger with fries.
Slater: But I thought you were a vegetarian?
Jessie: Not in this episode!

Slater was also one witty mofo. He should've been doing standup. The proof can be heard HERE.

Course, his girlfriend was no slouch either. In this classic clip, Jessie loses her fucking mind, to the delight of fans everywhere. Click HERE to hear Jessie explode!

When Slater met Zack, they were kinda fighting over Kelly, and were kinda bitter enemies. This didn't stop them from hanging out in each other's bedrooms constantly. After they warmed up, they became the best of friends. Slater was a little too smart to fall for most of Zack's clever little schemes.

Slater was also a renaissance man. In one episode, and oddly for only that one episode, Slater became a cooking extraordinaire, using the word 'quinche' like a 5 year old who just learned his first obscentity. Slater also performed ballet on more than one occassion, and while his focus always seemed to be team sports and wrestling, somehow when the cameras weren't rolling he became an accomplished drummer.

Slater Facts:

S.A.T. Score: LOWEST of all the cast. Slater didn't seem to mind too much, even though Kelly's look of disgust and half-hearted attempt to convince him that it was a good score proved that he was, in fact, the typical jock moron.

Worst Line Ever: "Oink Oink Baby!", followed by a laugh track 45 seconds long and hooting and whistling that would even make Arsenio Hall's audience blush. I'm not kidding. Someone could say 'Hi there' on this show, and the laugh track would indicate it as the funniest thing in known history. Care for an example? Click HERE.

The Belding Connection: Mr. Belding had a special relationship with Slater. He didn't get as annoyed with him as he did with Zack and Screech, and he was always trying to get Slater to talk about his father, who was played by at least three different guys who looked nothing alike. 6 out of 10 on The Belding Connection.

A Conversation Between Slater and Zack:

(2 AM, Bayside High)

Slater: Hey Zack, what are you doing here so late?
Zack: I don't know. I'm always here.
Slater: I have a problem. I think tomorrow night me and Jessie are gonna kiss.
Zack: Why is that a problem? You've been with her for eight months, I'm sure you're used to it by now.
Slater: No, you don't understand. We've never kissed. We barely even speak!
Zack: That's really odd. Maybe you should ask Lisa for advice.
Slater: Okay, where is she?
Zack: Well, it's 2 AM. She has to be in this school somewhere.
Slater: Thanks. Oh and by the way, look out for Belding, he found out you've been coordinating that 900 line for teen advice in the auditorium.
Zack: I knew it was a stupid idea to set up camp here at school.
Slater: It's not your fault. Where else could you go?
Zack: You've got a point. Maybe the Max?
Slater: Don't get smart with me. The last time we were at the Max, you made a fool out of me.
Zack: You looking for a fight, Slater?
Slater: Well maybe I am.
Zack: Well just started it!
To hear the conclusion of this infamous HERE.

Slater wasn't a bad guy, and he didn't add to the show's lunacy as much as the rest of the cast. The actor who played him, Mario Lopez, would go on to greater fame, starring in two-bit cop shows on the USA network and hosting Saturday morning kids gameshow, Masters of the Maze.

Next Up? Lisa Turtle!

- Matt