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X-E's XBOX PREVIEW
Robert Berry - 01/10/01

Though Sony's Playstation 2 was the "must have" gaming console for the Christmas season, many diehard gamers are eagerly awaiting Microsoft's entry into the crowded home game market, the XBOX.  After announcing that they would be competing against the likes of Sony, Sega, and Nintendo, Microsoft is going to dump untold millions into the launch for this highly anticipated videogame system later.

The innermechanics of XBOX are impressive.  Equipped with 5 different Pentium IV processors, 428 MB of RAM, and a built in DSL modem, it's gonna blow away anything else on the market like nothing ever seen before.

Like the Playstation 2, the XBOX will also play DVD movies, but as an added feature, there will be a special slot to play VHS videotapes, complete with a special adapter that will allow users to watch older BETA format videos as well.  It's a bold move by Microsoft, but one that's expected to pay off.

XBOX will also feature a retractable snack tray that will hold a bag of Cheetohs, or Doritos, and will play all Atari 2600 game cartridges.

The sleek black design you see in the photo has a certain elegance to it that some critics are already calling "sexy".  Clearly, it's the coolest looking gaming console since Colecovision made it's debut in the 80s.

The controllers for the XBOX system, (pictured above) are groundbreaking as well.  They will be cordless, permitting wireless play, and will be outfitted with built in rumble technology so they can tremble and vibrate in your hands during certain gameplay.  Not only will the controller feature 3 different directional pads, allowing for unheard of versatility, but a yellow, blue, and green button will be added to the already orange, black and white ones.  Gamers may be happy to learn that the green XBOX logo button in the middle will also heat up during games that involve fire, and will get cold to the touch during games that have scenes in storms and cold weather.

The controller will also double as a Magic 8 Ball, providing sage advice like "Ask Later" if you run into trouble during puzzling gameplay.

Here's a screen shot from the upcoming XBOX game, WHEELCHAIR RALLY featuring the first disabled videogame character since the long forgotten 1984 arcade classic, GIMPY KONG.  Microsoft gaming dept Manager Todd Hidalgo said, "We really wanted to reach out to the wheelchair riding public and tell them, "Hey...don't be sad, here's a videogame for you!" 

The Power Puff Girls will make their videogame debut in this XBOX game POWERPUFFAMANIA.  Here you see Bubbles in disguise, ready to embark on an adventure of some sort.  Though much of the game is still shrouded in mystery, Microsoft sources reveal it will involve lots of fun and button pressing.

No system is complete without a good sports title, and SHAQ'S FREE THROW SHOOT is already dazzling the most die hard of NBA gaming fans.  Breaking from traditional basketball games, SHAQ will focus on getting fouled excessively, and making outrageously bad attempts to score free throw shots.  A secret code will let you miss a game and graduate from college.

The incredibly popular Britney Spears will appear in the XBOX game, BRITNEY 2001 LIVE.  Using a special microphone attachment, gamers will get to sing along with Britney with some of her favorite songs.  The rumble pack technology built in to the XBOX controllers will make it feel as if you're caressing Britney's breasts while you play the game.

MR. T'S FOOLQUEST: "WORLD O' PITY" hopes to capitalize on the newfound fame of Mr. T to sell a ton of games.  Microsoft turns the quest style adventure game on it's ear with this groundbreaking title that features non stop video of Mr. T shouting, "Come on fool, kill that sucka!" repeatedly while you go on a journey to rescue his stolen gold chains.

From all indications, it looks like Microsoft has a winner with this XBOX system.  While The Playstation 2 has a retail price of nearly $350, the XBOX will be free if you sign up for the MSN service for 15 years.

In addition, God has announced that he plans to destroy the world in early 2002, but plans to spare the lives of anyone who owns an XBOX.  The Playstation 2 will be considered "The Mark of the Beast", damning all who own them to an eternity of hellfire.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to stand in line at TOYS R US now, and get ready to by 2 of them.  Hell, with the $950 I'll get on eBay, I'll be able to buy Christmas presents for everyone next year!

-Robert
rberryxx@pacbell.net