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The Big Ass Tribute To The Forgotten Heroes of Star Wars - Part Two!
Matt - 1/14/01

Before we continue, I'd just like to announce that I haven't had this much fun writing an article since the time I went to Chinatown to find foreign Pokemon dolls. You have George Lucas' convuluted dreams of magic and money to thank for putting me back into the spirit of things. Oh, and you sneaky readers who give into surrogate dyslexia and read articles backwards, you should probably read Part One first by clicking here.

Now, let's find out who round out the top ten greatest forgotten Star Wars characters of all time!

#5 - Yarna d'al' Gargan - Despite actually having a name, Yarna is more popularly known by her flattering nickname: 'Jabba's Fat Dancer.' When I saw the movie as a child, a few points were lost on me. I didn't understand that the girl with the tentacles on her head (Oola) who was chained to Jabba was still quite fuckable despite having said tentacles. I also didn't realize why Yarna wore the kind of shirt that she did - she didn't have just one set of knockers to cover up!

Yes, from the mind that brought you American Graffiti and a whole slew of Star Wars-themed soap dispenses, I proudly present the first SIX-TITTED alien in movie history! According to lore law, Yarna was another one of Jabba's slavegirls. Why Jabba bothered with this obese carwreck with all those pieces of ass running around, I have no idea. Going a bit deeper, Yarna's six children were previously kidnapped, and her husband was fed to the Rancor by Jabba. Christ, the poor actress signed on thinking all she had to do was dance and be fat. Twenty years later, and she looks back to find that she slept through all of her adventures.

The third pic above shows a pre-production piece of the Yarna action figure for the original line of toys. As our good friends over at the Star Wars supersite Toys R Gus pointed out, Kenner's move to discontinue production was probably a smart one. My mother was pretty lenient, but I really doubt she'd be an advocate of me having an action figure with six giant breasts. Pfft, its their loss. I had already been known to spend hours fondling my Princess Leia. If I had a figure with six tits, I'd be out of my parents hair for weeks!

Fate & Status: Since no stone in the SW Universe is left untouched, I'll put my credits on Yarna finally being reunited with her children. More importantly, she's an unsung hero in Hollywood, as that three-titted girl from Total Recall gets all the attention. I've got news for you girl...Yarna was pulling that old trick ten years before you and with double the breast power! Nyah!

#4 - Jawas - Okay, so nobody really forgot the Jawas. But until I see their name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I don't believe these guys have gotten the respect they deserve. Jawas made Star Wars what it is today. Look at the facts: if they didn't sell Luke's devil of an uncle those Droids, there would never had been any adventure! No point in sequels! Or even prequels! I will not eat them, Sam I Am!

Lucas has been known to draw reality into his work. Luke's like a farmboy, Han's like a hotshot with a cool car, and Vader's like your everyday maniacal world dominating half-robot. For the Jawas, Lucas created a great hybrid between the world's two most annoying groups of people: midgets, and used car salesmen. The results are phenomenal, as the Jawas managed to melt the hearts of the world by trying to sell Uncle Owen broken droids! By that point in the film, Uncle Owen was already safely established as a mean old man who everyone wanted to die. Having the Jawas try to screw him was just the icing on the cake after those Stormtroopers roasted his overprotective ass.

The job of a Jawa is pretty simple: run around, be smelly and dirty, and steal anything mechanical. A simple life for simple people, but that doesn't mean Jawas don't know how to party. Bunches of them could be found drinking the night away inside Jabba's courtroom.

Fate & Status: The years have taken its toll on the Jawas, as movies and sitcoms have almost completely wiped out the retro references to our favorite little guys. But don't worry, Jawas appeared in The Phantom Menace, so they might have a good one or two movie roles left in 'em before the world chooses a new group of midgets to adore. When that day comes, I strongly lend my support to any professional Korean basketball team.

#3 - Nien Nunb - Well, I knew I couldn't avoid it. I pretended I could, even prayed a little. But there's no way I could do this list without giving mad props yo to Lando's co-pilot from ROTJ, the gorgeous Nien Nunb. This guy has more things wrong with him than fish-flavored soda.

Okay, so yeah, without Nien Nunb, maybe Lando would've crashed the Falcon and the Empire would've won the war. That still doesn't make him fun to look at or any easier to understand. Problem number one is...well, his head. I look at it, and I see everything from a mouse, to a clam, to the female genitalia. Nien Nunb works like an inkblot test. Secondly, he's dressed in clothes he can't fit in. I don't know if everyone in the SW universe puts on their outfits the same way we put on Halloween costumes, but I do know that Nien Nunb's football head has no business fitting through that red shirt's headhole. Thirdly, and most importantly....the voice.

Do you have a friend with a really, really annoying laugh? The kind of laugh that entices thoughts of saliva slobbering and just general unpleasantness? The kind of laugh that literally keeps you from saying something funny in fear? Well, Nien Nunb doesn't have that laugh. He has that VOICE - he talks like that CONSTANTLY. What's more? LANDO UNDERSTANDS EVERY WORD HE SAYS. Fine, Lando's been around the block a few times, he's pretty well travelled. But COME ON FOLKS, WHY ON EARTH WOULD LANDO TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN THE IMPOSSIBLE LANGUAGE USED BY THE MOUSY SLAVE MINERS OF THE PLANET SULLUST?!!!

I guess its possible that Nien Nunb is kind of like Lassie. Maybe Lando just interpreted what Nien Nunb was trying to say. Hell, for all we know, Nien Nunb could've spent the ROTJ dogfight complaining about how he forgot to take a shit before boarding the Falcon. More evidence of Nien Nunb's vocal idiocies can, ironically, be found in some of X-E more idiotic older articles here, here, and here.

Fate & Status: Fucked if I know. Nien Nunb was last seen dancing with Ewoks on Endor's forest moon. A fittingly strange climax to the career of the weirdest guy in the entire trilogy.

#2 - Squid Head - If this guy was ever given a more formal title, then that's one book I forgot to read. This was one of my favorite figures as a kid, meeting my strict criteria that tells me which toys are cool: Squid Head had a fucked up face, a gun, and a cloth outfit. We have a winner!

As for the character itself, Squid Head's history is kinda blurred. He's a Quarren from Calamari, which of course means he's used to an aquatic climate. It doesn't really make much sense for him to be hanging around on a desert planet with Jabba and friends, so I dare say that Squid Head has a troubled past! But no matter what crimes he commited, biology already got revenge on the poor guy. He lives up to his namesake by having a squid for a head. Hence, you know...Squid, Head. Another in today's long line of characters who defy logic by fitting into shirts meant for people like you and me. I had always assumed Squid Head was really out of place in Jabba's court. Look at his clothes! Most of those guys wore scrappy shirts, if any shirt at all. Squiddy's wearing sheer royalty here.

On the pro list, he has a gun. On the con list, his fingers are all 15" long and going in totally different directions, negating the usefulness of the aforementioned gun. Squid Head never had it easy, but in such a topsy turvy world as this, you've gotta learn to roll with the punches.

Fate & Status: Unfortunately, whatever grand plans Squid Head had for himself came to a screeching halt when that sail barge he was on exploded. But, you really can never tell. I've read books that claim at least half those guys managed to jump ship before it exploded. I'm serious, if we're going by the accuracy of these later stories, the scene where that ship exploded should include at least six dozen aliens parachuting off and wandering through the desert. Squid Face, I'm praying you were one of the lucky ones.

And finally...

#1 - Chewbacca's Father, ITCHY! - No, I'm not kidding. If you're a diehard Star Wars fan or have read this site long enough, you'd know about the dastardly secret known as the Star Wars Holiday Special. See, in 1978, George Lucas didn't realize how big Star Wars would ultimately become, so he really didn't consider the lasting impression of what he allowed the name to be brandished on. Case in point - this special was, by far, the most offensive 90 minutes of television of all time. Disconnected bits featuring Wookie families, a cooking show, Princess Leia on coke, and an animated short all compile up to Star Wars' greatest failure. But the most harrowing experience of watching the show aren't the completely random appearances by Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship, its the guy you see above...Chewbacca's Pop!

Understand this: the scene where we get to see Chewbacca's family's homelife is about twenty minutes of complete and total torture. Since they can't speak, and since subtitles were a luxury the show couldn't afford, we're treated to watching four guys in monkey suits grunt endlessly, trying desperately to figure out...what does it all mean?! Then, it manages to break Vegas' 1,000,000-to-1 odds by getting even worse...

Enter Diahan Carroll. This somewhat-popular singer of that era signed her career's death sentence by agreeing to be a part of the special. Her role? She's Itchy's friggin' SEX FANTASY! Itchy is given a 'fantasy machine' by Art Carney, (not kidding) and turns it on to find Diahan looking sexy and singing for what seems like 89 of the 90 minutes. Itchy gets into it in ways I don't care to describe, and by the time the special's time was up, Star Wars fans across the globe were burning their R2-D2-themed disco shirts.

Fate & Status: Wookies can grow pretty old, but not that old. If Itchy was, let's say, 400 at the time, and Star Wars took place a long, long time ago, it stands to reason that the old guy's dead. AND THANK THE FORCE FOR THAT. Chewbacca, on the other hand, met greater success by winning a lifetime achievement award from MTV. That's not a joke folks, I'm serious. Here, I'll prove it.

If only Itchy was still alive to see it....he'd be so proud.

Today we pay tribute to these often-forgotten heroes. Most people (well, most fans) only talk about Luke, Han, and Leia, but remember: Star Wars took place in a big universe. There's plenty to see, and christ, just a ton of characters to make fun of.

- Matt
Some linkage: Blacksuns - RedFX - Freakfarm - BadassMofo