I recently saw a movie that changed my life, but its still open for debate as to whether or not this change was for the better or the worse. Movies do that to ya sometimes. Some flicks are just meant to be an hour or two of quality entertainment, while others dig down deep into your soul and affect you immensely.
Unfortunately, for people like me, and I'd assume most of you out there interested in the kind of shit we talk about, we really shouldn't be affected by some of these movies. When I first saw Batman, I was convinced my destiny was to become a real-life version of the Joker. I came home and immediately threw cold creme all over my face. In the end, the obsession didn't fly too well, but I did get a purple suit for my birthday out of it. When I saw Dick Tracy, I loved Itchy's blue trenchcoat so much that I nicknamed myself after him and pretended that my skin was highly irritated for weeks. When I saw American Psycho, I killed my aunt and ate her brains.
Even to this day, when I'm 21, I'm as impressionable with the media as I was when I thought black and white photos were taken in a time when the Earth was literally black and white. With that, I face a problem. I've once again seen a movie that's caused me to adore a character so much that I feel the innate need to emulate his actions. In some cases, this is okay. If I watched Die Hard, all I'd have to do is become a heroic, witty cop. But I didn't watch Die Hard, friends. So, who's my new hero? My new role model? The guy who I'm now obsessed with?
Yup. The fucking Leprechaun is my new reason for being. Bear with me on this, because you've really got to understand the full scope of the Lep's iron fist before you try to get my family to cosign me into a mental institution. Sure, that first movie was all-out horror. For me to say that I want to be like that Leprechaun, well, that'd make me one pretty sadistic bastard. But what you don't realize is how Father Time smoothed over whatever teen angst was left in Warwick Davis' Irish body. Leprechaun spawned many sequels, and over time, he became an almost cerebral philanthropist. Here's the breakdown.
In the first two movies, the Leprechaun still lived under the false pretense that he had to be all scare and no smarts to get over with the crowd. The formula was semi-successful at first, but really, there were no Leprechaun action figures, t-shirts, commercial cameos, nothing. By the time the third movie came out, he started smartening up. This time, yes he killed people...but he did it with a smile. With a smile, and in Las Vegas. But it wasn't until the fourth movie, which I've just seen, that the Leprechaun really became the breakout star we always knew he could be. Turn back now while you still can, because today's movie review ain't for the non-believers...
Oh you damn right. On my last trip to the video store, I passed this one and was faced with a total impossibility: how could I leave without it? I'm always sold on things involving Leprechauns and space...so when you slap them together and give the video box a glossy foil cover, its absolutely irresistible. But, to tell you the truth, it was a mistake to pick up this movie. I was just looking for schlocky nonsense. Not a new religion.
A few things to consider, which basically set the theme for this film: its never explained how the Leprechaun is either alive or in space, much less in the distant future. Its also never quite clear why the director went out of his way to hire some of the most dismal actors on the planet. Continuing with this tradition of non-explainyness, the Leprechaun has also gained the ability to resurrect himself by commandeering someone's cock. We'll get to that in a bit, but let's start from the beginning.
Meet the Marines. It stands to reason that all the Marines of the future will be space battlin' muscle-bound half-cyborgs, so no complaints there. Unfortunately, this movie is about 75% satire. Whomever wrote the script apparently felt that if there's one thing the world needs, its more in-jokes about Marines. Tons of them. By the time you finish watching this movie, you're gonna have to stay away from Marine bases for the rest of your life due to the risk of giving into the temptation of using one of the thousand quips and getting your ass kicked.
The Marines are a bunch of loud horny men, plus one loud, horny woman. They're lead by a loud, horny, cyborg. Also joining up is some sort of researcher who of course has no business going on a Marine assignment, so obviously she's our token hot female. At first, the Marines aren't too happy about Miss Scientist coming along, a slight subplot forgotten by the director approximately three minutes into the film.
Switching gears in ways no movie should, we find that The Leprechaun has kidnapped an alien princess and whisked her away to some godforsaken cave. His plan? Marry the girl. Kill the king. Be rich. Shockingly enough, alien princesses don't have the same virtue as our princesses, so while she's not too keen on going down on what's gotta be the most disfigured slice of manhood since John Bobbitt, she's definitely up for getting rich. They're a team!
The Marines, whose job appears to be sifting through unstable caves on a quest for gold, arrive on the scene. One of the lesser-knowns starts pocketing the gold in his helmet, a pretty poor decision since I'm relatively certain that the previous scene showed an air supply attached to it. More importantly that that, we all know that its not a good idea to steal Lep's gold. There's no rainbow, so that whole theory goes out the window. How does the Leprechaun respond? He pulls out Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, and slices the guy in half.
I should note that we don't really find out why these Marines are here. Then again, the Leprechaun is now in the future and in outer space, so 'not finding out stuff' seems to be a pretty integral part of this movie experience. Anyway, they arrive and start throwing grenades. In a moment of remorse, the Leprechaun leaps onto one of them to save his princess bride. The results? Phenomenal...
Cue it up to Bob's Shop of Cheap Effects, a Hollywood favorite for directors who just don't give a shit about the movie they're making. The Leprechaun's body is quite clearly made up of cotton and foam, things that definitely shouldn't be inside an entity so evil.
After this, the poor Lep's head flies off, prompting one of the Marines to give in to the double-dog dare and take a piss on it. His dick gets slightly electrocuted because of it, so remember that for later. Its somehow important.
The Marines take the fallen princess back to their spaceship, where she's unconscious and totally useless....
And also completely covered in saran wrap. Its at this point where the hot scientist girl and one of the Marines start showing signs of a future love affair, but that's currently on hold, as there's a half-dead princess to worry about. As it turns out, giving her back to her homeland will greatly improve inter-stellar relations, so its pretty important that they take good care of her. Remember, at this point, they have no idea that she's really a willing captive in the Leprechaun's grand scheme of money and overall Irish-ness.
I also should mention that Leppy is played by none other than Warwick Davis, who you definitely won't remember as Wickett the Ewok and that midget from Willow. Sadly, midgets get the shaft: he's really a pretty good actor if you've seen him in a role that doesn't require him to stick his tongue out and shoot alien saliva all over a chained girl's face. But you know, small people are blacklisted. Emmanuel Lewis is probably dead, Gary Coleman's off writing for UGO, and Warwick's cursed to forever play Leprechauns, and if the opportunity arises, a hormonally imbalanced six-year-old.
Getting back on track, the movie makes a pretty bold and blatant turn for the worse. I'd imagine most Marine starships would contain a sort of entertainment center to boost morale. You know, maybe a pool table, some pinball games. Nothing too extravagant, but enough to weather those long, boring nights. Well, on this starship, which is deceptively bigger than eight football fields, they've included a disco dance floor!
CLICK HERE FOR THE MARINE ANTHEM!!!
After this, the girl Marine and a boy Marine go outside to fuck. (how they go outside on a spaceship, I can't answer) She starts performing the ol' Marine jerk-off tactic, when the guy starts screaming in agony. Did she forget to take off her rings? Unfortunately, its not that simple. Turns out this is the Marine who earlier took a piss on the Leprechaun's head, and he's out for revenge! Yes, the Leprechaun pops out of the Marine's cock.
So now we're faced with a dilemma that could only be reared from having a maniacal, murderous Leprechaun aboard a futuristic Marine spaceship. Looks like business is about to pick up.
As much as subplots pain me to talk about, there's no way I can leave this one out. You'll see why on page two of this amazing Leprechaun fest you've stumbled onto. Okay, I'll try to explain what's going on here as simply as I can, given that I've watched the movie three times and still can't make any sense of it. The television screen you see above shows Dr. Mittenhand, whom I guess is the leader and benefactor of this whole operation. He tells the on-board doctor to take blood from the princess for his DNA experiments, and to stop licking her stomach. Meanwhile, the Leprechaun's off causing some trouble of his own..
Because Marines are highly trained and almost too intelligent, they decide that the first place to start searching for Leprechauns is in the ship's toxic chamber, a place that requires neat yellow suits to survive. Now, I don't know about you, but if there was a killer on the ship, this is the last place I'd head to. I'm also not too sure why they felt that the Leprechaun would hide in the only toxic part of the ship, but hey, they pay the price for not thinking things through, as one of the good guys gets his suit sliced by Leppy and ends up morphing into a pile of melted plastic that at least in theory resembles a skeleton.
At this point, the Marines decide that their job descriptions certainly didn't entail fighting Warwick Davis. So, they head back to the main room to talk to the Mittenhand Television Set. But, surprise surprise! Looks like Dr. Mittenhand wasn't being broadcast via satellite after all! He's really on the ship! Annnnnd how...
Turns out, our fair doctor is really, well, some sort of bald half-human half-computer hybrid who talks like a gay interior decorator who just ate three dozen Sour Power candies. The Marines don't seem all that shocked about this development, but remember, they've just finished battling with a 3' tall Leprechaun. I think they've spent up all of today's surprise points. The point? The good doctor demand that they fight the Leprechaun so he can keep the princess' precious DNA. Basically, what we have here is a lose/lose scenario. Somebody has to die.
Will it be the Leprechaun?
Will it be the Marines?
No, folks. It won't be either of those. It will be MAXIM MAGAZINE. Know why? Take a look...
Yes, X-E has finally broken out of the smalltime by getting mentioned in Maxim. A blurb with a screenshot from one of my many Star Wars articles. So why must Maxim die? BECAUSE THEY SPELLED THE SITE'S NAME WRONG! Yes, one of the greatest mags on the planet for men who like words and pictures thinks we're located at x-ratedentertainment.com. Will they print a retraction in the next issue? WELL IF THEY DON'T --
That's right. Now, getting back to the movie. Its down to the Leprechaun and a few of the surviving Marines. Obviously, the numbers are weighed heavily against our Irish angst-filled comedy act, so he wastes no time in killing off one of the good guys.
Leppy turns up on a television set wearing a safety helmet, preaching all sorts of rules about being safe. To illustrate his points, he takes a pair of scissors out and starts cutting off his fingers, telling us that its definitely not something we should be doing. One of the Marines, giving into the trademark blatant stupidity of horror movies, walks close to the set and gets so enamored with this special report that he doesn't notice the 5,000 ton crate about to fall on his head. Strike one for the Marines!
The Leprechaun kills off one of two more of the expendable troops, and then remembers why he's on the ship to begin with: he's gotta reclaim his bride! Its easy to get sidetracked when there's all this fresh meat to murder, but even someone as all over the place as Leppy eventually comes to his senses. The princess is in the lab, so that means we get another classic movie moment: The Leprechaun meeting Dr. Mittenhand!
Not since Joe Namath hooked up with Bobby Brady has the world been delighted by the meeting of the minds like this. Picture watching this - a Leprechaun talking to half a human who travels around in a souped-up shopping cart, exchanging ideas over whether 'power' or 'fear' is the greatest asset one could have. The friendship is short-lasted however, since neither side really has any interest in sharing the wealth. One of them has to go, and since the Leprechaun is just too cute to kill off just yet, you can see where this is going.
For a movie that sucks so much, Leprechaun IV really breaks new grounds on how to hurt the innocents. In this case, the Leprechaun takes the blender-full (yes, blender) of the Princess' stolen DNA, adds a scorpion and a tarantula, mixes it, and injects it into the doctor's skull. So the next time you see someone die from a simple gunshot wound in a movie, you know the director just really isn't trying.
Anyway, I didn't go into detail with this particular scene just because its so ridiculous - Dr. Mittenhand getting injected with spider/scorpion DNA is important to the rest of the story in ways you can't possibly fathom. Stay tuned. For now, I proudly present the most fucked up scene in any movie, ever. And that's saying something considering some of the bombs we've reviewed.
Okay, so the Princess and the Leprechaun are together again, causing trouble all over the ship. Finally, the Marines realize that maybe she's not as virtuous and virginal as they had thought, a theory that becomes perfectly clear...when she shows them her tits!
The princess walks in front of the Marines and shows off her stuff for no apparent reason. I'm not kidding - she just takes off her tops and walks around spewing completely nonsensical statements for three minutes before dissapearing into the night. Even the Marines - who had previously spoken to Leprechauns and cyborgs - are shocked that this particular development. Its later explained that on her planet, showing off tits is a death sentence. So I'd imagine her homeworld is full of people committing all sorts of crimes just for the hell of it.
Well, I think that's all the action one page can handle, so let's move on to the second page, which features include: the Leprechaun turning into a giant, Dr. Mittenhand's unfortunate mutation, and yes, a personally drawn comic about the Leprechaun from yours truly. It'll be a party. Come join us.
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