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LEPRECHAUN IV - Leprechaun In Space!
Matt - 1/17/01

Amazingly enough, the sequel to this movie would find a way to get even more bizarre, as the Leprechaun manages to land himself in da hood. Oh well, there's always next time. For now, we've got to piece together this intricate puzzle and try to make sense out of what's going on. So, by this point:

* The Leprechaun is aboard the shuttle, alongside his princess.
* Some Marines are dead, others are not.
* Dr. Mittenhand's whereabouts are currently undetermined - and he's full of spider DNA.
* The princess not only has human disease-fighting DNA, but a pretty nice set.
* Maxim screwed up.

Now that we're up to speed, let's continue. The lead Marine, the one with the big plate in his head, appears to be under a Leprechaun spell that not only tells him to kill his comrades, but that he's also a dancing transvestite. God, I love this movie.

Since the captain is being so crazy, the other Marines kill him. Luckily, there's not too much reason for guilt, since he turns out to be a robot. Gotta love completely unnecessary scenes that do nothing to enhance the plot. Especially when they're handed to you at a rate of around six per minute.

Dr. Mittenhand was last scene with a suspicious needle sticking out of his head. The end results are pretty phenomenal. Movies have given us some great mutations. Jeff Goldblum turned into a fly and vomited all over his food. That dude from Total Recall ripped off his arm and showed the world his true mutant heritage. Mittenhand ups the ante in a big way, though.

Yep, he's turned into a giant, heaping mass of spider and scorpion parts. He doesn't look anything like either, but rather more of an interesting pile of red plastic, but the point gets across when he announces his new name: 'Dr. Mittenspider.' I wish I was kidding, but if you've seen the movie, you'd know that this fits in perfectly with the rest of the script. Obviously, whatever humanity a cyborg half-human has was completely annihilated by the whole spider-mutation thing, so the Marines should keep an eye out for this guy. Unfortunately, they have bigger problems. Much bigger problems.

What do you do when your movie is so awful that the only way to save face is to do something that nobody could possibly expect? Well, let's review some past examples. Career Opportunities shocked the world by having the kids escape the mall. Blair Witch 2 shocked the world by apparently forgetting to include an ending to the movie. In the case of Leprechaun IV, we get a different approach.

They turn the Leprechaun into a giant. I think he got nailed by some mega-ray that just happened to be laying around, but the point is, its not going to be easy defeating a guy who already survived exploding once and who's now 40' tall. Luckily, by this point, everyone in the movie realized that the 13 hours in total they spent shooting was approximately six more hours than the movie deserved, so things wrap up pretty quick. The good guys lock Leppy in one of the room, and open the giant hangar doors, sucking him into the cold and heartless vacuum of space...

Since he's previously shown that he explodes into pieces fairly easily, the Leprechaun is no match for outer space's anti-pressure, so he explodes again. Only this time, there's no Marines around to piss on him and bring him back to life. Tragic really, because I could've stood at least another two hours of this film. IF TODAY WAS OPPOSITE DAY HAHA! As for Dr. Mittenspider, the hot chick offed him too. Don't blame her for it - the spider was trying to eat her. There's no crime in self-defense, and its not like giant mutant spiders have any great place in society anyway. It was all for the best.

We close out with a kiss, as the Leprechaun's giant, amputee hand gives the remaining Marines the finger. Jesus, you guys really need to go rent this one. I'm not kidding, its virtually my new bible.

Overall Scoring: Leprechaun IV is a shitty, shitty movie. But its kinda supposed to be - you can tell that nobody took this project seriously, so neither should we. That doesn't make it any less hilarious to watch, though. Because of the nature of this movie's follow-up, which features Leppy as a rappin' home boy, Leprechaun In Space hasn't been seen by too many cult movie enthusiasts. Trust me on this one, its worth seeing. Nothing too gross or violent, but still chock full of campy crap that you can only truly appreciate under the heavy influence of alcohol.

And like I said, the Leprechaun is my new hero. I've been going around town all day asking people to piss on my head. In fact, I like him so much, I drew a classy children's book in his honor. I tried to tell the tale in a much friendlier way, hoping to catch more of the tragic hero side of Leppy rather than the murderous bloodthirsty monster those dirty Marines would have us believe he is. It should be on bookstore shelves this by this Christmas, but since I love you all so much, here's a sneak peek. Bear in mind, the pictures were meticulously drawn for weeks, but this is still an early rendition.

Also remember, this is meant for children! So its written for people who can't handle my usual verse of 50 cent words.


Leprechauns love outer space because it gives them the chance to stretch to their fullest extent. People like Leprechauns because they are sometimes known to give gold to children who follow rainbows. You don't need gold to like Leprechauns though, because they are so friendly and nice. People enjoy their company because they make great conversationalists and don't take up too much room in small cars.

While friendly, Leprechauns do not like Marines. But this is not a bad thing, because Marines are all dumb. You see, Marines kill people. Its their job. Even the commercials for them suggests swordfighting. Leprechauns don't like swordfighting because its a violent process that usually results in mass pain. Thus, Leprechauns hate Marines, and so should you.

While Leprechauns hate Marines, they will tolerate them from afar. But sticking them too close together doesn't work. They are not the proverbial peanut butter and jelly. They are never to be next to each other, along the same lines as Madonna's teeth. Putting them together is a bad thing, because Leprechauns hate Marines so much.

Leprechauns will usually kill Marines if given the chance. We cannot fault them for this, as it is survival of the fittest and Leprechauns like to exercise. When Leprechauns kill Marines, Pokemon dream about Lando Calrissian. Nobody knows why, this is merely the way the world works. Killing Marines is okay though, because as we've found out, if we do not kill Marines, Marines will kill us.

Leprechauns live happily ever after because there are no more Marines. Maybe someday you'll meet a Leprechaun. Wish really hard!

Obviously, my finest work to date.

- Matt
If you sent me an e-mail in the past two days, I didn't get it. Temporarily send to

And thanks to Cable for the word and pic on Maxim - check out his GI Joe vehicles site by clicking here!