AOL's dictionary defines 'stupid' as something lacking intelligence, reason, sense, and thought. While I won't deny the intense irony of looking up the word 'stupid' on AOL's dictionary, I found it necessary to better familiarize myself with the word, since the focus of today's article will have me spouting it out at a rate of three times per sentence.
We've seen a lot of stupid stuff on this site. Its our trademark. But every time I claim I've located the stupidest thing ever, the evil gods of pointlessness and banality shine upon me and give me something worse to make fun of. We've reviewed the absolute pillars of absurdity...Corey Haim's video diary...Ultimate Warrior wrestling gear...candy eggs with toy trains inside...Japanese yogurt snacks...it just gets worse and worse. Its totally change my view of what's actually stupid. For instance, right now, on my computer desk, I'm looking at a clock with: giant alien ears, green fur, a cupie, a red dot on its forehead, a psychotic smile, and the ability to scream the word 'Bibo!' when the alarm goes off. Naturally, this would have to be considered the absolute magnum opus of stupidity by most...but after all we've been through on the site, the thing seems downright tame.
But, sometimes, I find something that is irrevocably and undeniably one of the stupidest things on the planet. As a reviewer, its important that my convictions are based in fact. I wouldn't want to steer anyone wrong in what they should be considering stupid. So, tonight, on this very page, we're going to do a little work in progress. Together, just you and me. We're going to find out if something's stupid. Its a process entailing a great deal of painstaking work and accuracy, but again, I can't go around making false claims about stupidity. Now under normal circumstances, I run these harrowing tests before writing the actual article, but I thought maybe, just maybe, some of you would be curious about what actually goes into the ritualistic determination over whether or not something's stupid.
PS, by my count, I've so far used the s-word eleven times. That's because what we're going to look at today is really, really stupid. I'm confident of the results. Let's get down to business. First, a little background on the item. Its a kid's toy. At least, I'm assuming it is. The physical properties of the item in question lend themselves moreover to the interstellar alien way of thinking, but given the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers logo, I'll accept it as a kid's toy. I found this one in the bowels of a local 99 cent store, which as some of you know, is my own personal Babylon. These places are also a window into the deepest, most Hellish pits of society. You know how when you go into a department store, there's always one or two really creepy, smelly old ladies that smell like wet tar who the entire rest of the cliental avoids? Well, in a 99 cent store, all the customers are like that. Every seedy old lady of an unknown, distant ethnic background who dresses in oil-soaked towels and spews green slime out of their mouth eventually lands in a 99 cent store. I honestly believe they spawn there, like maggots, bursting free from eggs laid in the boxes of knockoff Twinkies 35 months past their expiration dates.
But, on the plus side, 99 cent stores are the best place to locate the World's Worst Products. I'm a sadist/materialist, so the stores are just about my favorite place in the world to be. You can find anything there. Like, say you wanted to know what would happen to a jar of Clamato if left alone on a shelf for ten years. You don't need to wait all that time, the store's got it in motion for you already. Or, say you really needed a complete set of 1987 Legions of Power puffy stickers - where else ya gonna go?! But in today's case, its the premiere spot to find the most asinine, and yes, stupid, things on the planet. With that in mind, I proudly present to you...my worst find yet...the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Knuckle Extruder!!!
The reason for the multicolored inclusion of 'giant ape juice' is two-fold:
1) If anyone does a Google search for it, X-E will surely be the top result. And if there's anything I want this site to be known for, its our giant ape juice.
2) I guarantee you that 95% of you totally overlooked the screams of ape juice because the picture of the Knuckle Extruder is just that damn ridiculous. It takes something really stupid to get you to overlook something like giant ape juice - so as you can see, we're well on our way to proving the obvious. Knuckle Extruders are stupid, even when they're less than a dollar. They just won't make you feel as stupid, since you can't buy too many intelligent things at such a low cost. Unless you count that reduced fat cheese. Its a smart food, you know.
Okay, now I know you're all wondering...what exactly is an 'Ivan Ooze Knuckle Extruder'. To be honest, I'm wondering the same thing. The toy, quite clearly, has nothing to do with knuckles, much less extruding knuckles. A quick glance offers some insight: a plastic bust of a purple monster, a plastic shovel, and a vial of purple ooze. These are some pretty stupid ingredients, for those of you keeping score. I guess the best place to start looking for answers is the handy instruction sheet printed on the back of the package. Maybe then we'll find out exactly what this festering pile of plastic no-goodness actually is.
With a tagline like that, its gotta be shitty. Though this slick ad campaign probably worked, since most little boys' first experiences with ejaculation are of a direct result of excitement over toy slime. Plus, the company's claim is that the toy is, quite frankly, 'really cool.' Who are we to deny? Its in print, it must be true. I've added Mr. Miyagi's action figure to the puzzle, as I feel a Chinese action figure is the only conceivable thing that could emotionally conjure up such lies. I've known some sociopaths, but it'll take some real regression to call the Knuckle Extruder 'cool.'
Moving on, we have the actual directions that detail what we're supposed to do with this crap. For the novice, this might seem like a difficult puzzle. Ooze...plunger...stupid figure with holes for its mouth and eyes....real tough to see where this is going. Thank God Miyagi had the insight to provide us with a few more hints, translated from his hallmark and cutesy broken Engrish.
To prove to you that we're mounting to a crescendo here, I should point out that immediately following the dissection of what this toy is, we're going to take an in-depth look at it in action. Get the popcorn, call your friends. Or hit the 'X' in the upper right hand corner of the site and spend your time on the net learning about the giant squid from this place. Choice is yours, but don't think we're doing this without a major climax in mind.
Now then, the Knuckle Extruder. Up above you'll see a graphical tutorial on how to use it, these are the first two of the three steps. Sometimes, getting an instruction manual is a little redundant. I recently bought a microwave, and the manual it came with was around 35 pages. I'm not sure what this microwave could possibly do to warrant 35 pages, but really, we all know how to work one anyway. This, on the other hand, obviously needs to come with a manual. Its not that its too hard to figure out what to do...its the simple fact that what you're supposed to do with it is so insanely ridiculous, we need some sort of verification before we go through with it. That being said, step one tells us to fill Ivan up with the purple goop. Fair enough, its nontoxic, and while it'll stain virtually anything it touches, at least it won't kill us.
Step two pulls us into the 'no turning back' zone, indicating that we're supposed to push that plunger into Ivan, thus removing available space and invariably leading to some kind of mess that's in no way worth cleaning up for a toy so shitty. The final step, the conclusion, fills us in on what grand purpose all of this serves. I gotta admit, I have the utmost respect for the company that marketed this toy. It takes balls the size of Honda Civics to suggest this is something fun.
Well well well! All that work, and what's the payoff? Ooze gushes out of Ivan's mouth and eyes. Somebody give this toy a television show - its that good. The endless, absolutely endless amounts of entertainment provided by a hunk of purple plastic that spills drippy goo all over the place has the fun factor equivalent of trying to give yourself giant breast implants using a pair of pineapples and a carpenter's knife, but let's call a spade a spade here...at least it was only a dollar.
Honestly, how do things like this ever come to be? Nothing, not even a toy, gets mass-produced and marketed without some kind of table talk where it can potentially get vetoed. There's a step of ladders in these kinds of processes, which means that at least 4 or 5 people actually thought making these was a good idea. Those people, of course, should be shot immediately before they have a chance to unleash different terrors on us. The toy, which is a tie-in product to the Power Rangers movie a few years ago, probably wasn't ever on backorder at any stores. In fact, I'd wagering that I'm one of the only two people to ever purchase it. Who's the other one? I did some detective work...
If you're wondering why he's hanging around with the white rabbit, its because statistically, guys who go around wearing rabbit suits don't fear for their lives with as much passion as the rest of us. I wonder what O.J. thought of this toy. Was he as harsh on it as I'm being? Did he kill those responsible for creating it? Actually, it seems as though OJ traded his football to the rabbit for the Knuckle Extruder, which is only a fair trade if there's some trail of OJ's latest victim's blood on the pigskin. Otherwise, poor murderin' bastard really got the shaft on this trade.
So, let's review. Status: toy consisting of plastic bust, plunger, and tub of goop. Activity consists of intentionally spilling goop. Is it stupid? You be the judge, but I think we've found our answer. Now, let's drive the point home, with this live and in-person enactment of the aforementioned directions. I'm not really sure I'm up for this, but given that its past 2 AM, the level of which I care if I spill purple cum on my carpet has diminished considerably. Here's how the magic happens...
Disregard the background, I used a Chanel book to self-perpetuate more rumors about me. As you can see, the ooze gently dives into Ivan's bust. Given that the product has been laying around for a few years in the dirtiest store in the tri-state area, the slime was a bit crusted, but still workable. Next up, I employed the use of the mystical knuckle plunger. Now, without further adieu, I present to you the end results. This is what all the fuss is about:
Oh for Christ's sake - why? WHY? Go, into the ham. And get the carving knife. And stab me...here...HERE! Now, please! How does something like this ever reach the store shelf? Is there no point that anyone thought to themselves: 'you know, this really, really sucks. Its not just bad, its actively insulting.' I'm not so sure even the six-year-olds this was meant for would appreciate it. When I was six, I liked slime...but not like this. No, I'm pretty sure three-years-old would be the cutoff point, but that's a problem in itself: a 3-yr-old would assuredly eat the slime. Its nontoxic, but I shudder to think of the ultimate end of that particular endeavor.
In conclusion, the only people who could possibly like the Ivan Ooze Knuckle Extruder are too young to comprehend the nature of the toy, opting simply to eat the goop. So, the only people who got any mileage out of this thing had purple slime in their shit for a week. I think that summarizes it well enough, but for those of you who aren't putting the mystery together: this product is indeed quite stupid.
By the way, if anyone out there can think up a use for a Sapporo glass full of purple placenta, do let me know. I'll have it off to you immediately. I can't bring myself to throw it away, it seems like one of those things that'll come back to haunt me later, like flushing a baby alligator down the toilet, or tattooing an upside-down cross on my forehead. The latter of which, by the way, is scheduled for next week.
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